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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell someone their kids should come first

433 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 10/02/2018 10:58

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

OP posts:
Gatecrasher61 · 12/02/2018 06:24

Some people think my partner and I are well off. We don't have kids but he does have a classic sports car. However, what we have achieved is nothing special, just hard work and careful spending. But when people bitch about being hard up I sometimes feel that they are expecting you to bung them a few quid. My DH's siblings are like that. They all smoke and his sister drinks like a fish. At the moment DH's mum subsidises their life styles, when she dies, I hope they don't come knocking out our door.

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2018 06:34

Of course they're all women. Men can walk away from the responsibilities without the same level of judgment. The women left holding the baby can't do right for doing wrong.
And if a father chooses to not buy weed once to fund something his dc want or need he is father of the fucking year.

Mossbystrand · 12/02/2018 06:51

They're not all women though, I forgot to post my other examples.

My bil & sil - house filthy, broken furniture, empty food cupboards & fridge etc.
Again always pleading poverty, one meal a day etc, their kids are always starving when they come over so we make sure they eat.

But she regularly spends £60+ on face creams that you can only buy from harrods. Both of them have the latest tech, both of them compete in expensive sports and hobbies and spend £££ on fees and equipment.
It's not always about feckless fathers, it's about lazy entitled people who want their cake and eat it.

Bil didn't speak to us fir a year when dh told him to switch from his p/t job to a f/t one because of the money. He genuinely didn't understand why he should earn more because his poor mil always subsidized their lifestyle. She bought the kids clothes, shoes and did their gricery shopping for them.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 12/02/2018 07:34

Not all separated fathers are rubbish, lots will be having the most access they are granted and paying child support. Likewise many separated females have a career to support their children.

Sadly we do live in a world where many people feel their wants trump everybody else's including children and maybe if more spoke up like the OP did something would change. It seems socially acceptable now to be selfish, not financially support children and not meet their needs. All under the guise of the stupid saying " happy mum happy baby/child'.

JamForBrains · 12/02/2018 08:35

Well done OP. I struggle with many parents attitudes. I don't believe in putting children completely 1st. That is, IMO, unhealthy and the source of a lot of depression. I believe everyone's needs should be met before wants and desires. Children's needs come first. If you haven't enough food, then the children get fed and parents have less etc. I have a neighbour who totally infuriates me. She has 2 DC around 18 and 13. She goes to work at 6am and then goes out drinking. You never know what time she is coming home. She has been known to go to work at 6am Friday and not come home until 4pm Sunday. The DC often knock on my door and ask if I have any money I could lend them as they have no electric so can't cook (if they actually have something to cook) and their mum isn't answering her phone 😠.

Pooppants · 12/02/2018 09:12

Sorry, but I have to reply, 👏👏
To you. Although was rude and none of you business, you have the right to said that otherwise she would spend all night complaining and make people feel sorry for her when she is at fault for not put priorities in place. Cigs and alcohol abroad would have cost £50 at least, new shows (cheap ones ) she can get for £10. I hate also those parents that complain how children are hard work when they have family to help. Try be a single mother without any family help, working full time! Good for you to said, she will think twice before open her mouth again to complain .

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2018 09:14

I am shocked at some of the accounts in here. People need to stop pussyfooting about and be honest with them. If you give up your sports, facecream from Harrods, you can afford to feed and clothe your kids.

SimpleCreature · 12/02/2018 10:58

OP:
Good for you. You weren't being rude, you were giving your opinion on something that she had made your business by moaning about in your group. I think you were entirely reasonable.

To those whining about drip feeding:
Get a fucking grip. This is one of those mumsnet group gripes which really boils my piss. Who cares if not everything is placed in the first post to your satisfaction? The whole point of Talk is dialogue, not monologue.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/02/2018 11:25

You're (rightly imo) judging the mother for failing to provide for her children. Their father is presumably equally or more failing to provide. Do you also judge him

Yes I would. If he was also sat there moaning about not having enough money for childrens shoes and in the next breath talking about fag and booze he was buying

AhhhhThatsBass · 12/02/2018 11:28

Maybe you could have been more tactful about it and I don't agree that children should always come first but certainly before cigarettes and alcohol.

I find it interesting that some posters have told you that it's none of your business. A husband giving his wife a good kicking in the house next door is none of your business either but you'd probably phone the police. Just because something is technically none of your business doesn't mean you shouldn't/can't say/do something about it. If you can't afford to buy your child a pair of shoes she requires but have the funds for fags and booze then you're a pretty shit parent imo.

blueremembered · 12/02/2018 11:55

In theory it's none of your business but this is the kind of thing that riles me right up. I agree with you in principle but wouldn't have said anything.

But I have a sort of admiration of you for saying it! The fact that she didn't immediately retort in a defensive way suggests that she may think on it.

blueremembered · 12/02/2018 11:58

Also all these PPs saying 'are you judging the father' etc - the father wasn't there? Why would he come into it when he wasn't even mentioned? From the OP's posts I think she would have said the same thing to this person whether they were a mother or a father.

iBiscuit · 12/02/2018 12:44

FFS we don't know, nor has the OP stated, that any child of this woman actually needs new school shoes. We also don't know that she won't be buying new shoes if needed by the end of half term.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/02/2018 14:24

FFS we don't know, nor has the OP stated, that any child of this woman actually needs new school shoes. We also don't know that she won't be buying new shoes if needed by the end of half term.

Mental gymnastics.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2018 14:43

My goodness ibiscuit, she said she hasn't got any money for school shoes. So does not take a mastermind to realise she won't be getting her DC some. Mabey after what op has said, she will go to Tesco, Shoezoneor whatever to get them done shoes.

KriticalSoul · 12/02/2018 16:43

I agree with the OP, but then when we were struggling both exH and I gave up smoking and drinking to make sure we could cover the bills.

Ex had a 20 a day habit, might not seem much to begin with, but at £5+ a pack plus his £10 a week on booze, he was smoking/drinking £200 a month of our income. I had already cut right down to 2-3 fags a day so I had it easier than him with giving up, but it still added another £15-20 a month back in the pot.

Lizzie48 · 12/02/2018 17:14

I admire you for saying it, OP, a lot of other people will think the same thing but not have the guts to say it. Or they'll say it to each other behind the person's back.

As to whether you were rude, it depends on how you said it. It's not the case that it's none of your business, though, if your friend keeps moaning about her lack of money. In the end you couldn't bite your tongue anymore and I can well understand that.

Springiscoming123 · 12/02/2018 18:02

Oh goody we've got another judgemental eejit here as well. My kids' school uniform is a right bloody state at the moment with frigging whiteboard marker stains all over it - I am absolutely buggered if I'm running to the expense of replacing it though since coming up towards Easter they'll go into summer dresses and I'm not wasting money when there's minimal chance any new stuff will fit them in September by the time they've grown.

there is always one

im talking grey and very short,not a few pen marks but polo's are super cheap £1 each at Pepe & Co or 2 for £3 at asda so hardly wasting money

we still have awhile to easter and it can still be very cold so not all will wear summer dresses as it is still to cold

Mossbystrand · 12/02/2018 18:06

The,thing is the people like the op's 'friend' plead poverty and expect other people to foot the bill. They have no intention if tightening their belts, trimming down excessive spends to pay for it themselves.

OutyMcOutface · 12/02/2018 18:09

I don't think you were being too rude-she was the one who broke etiquette first by moaning and talking about money-a normally rude response is totally fine in those circumstances. She sounds like a really unpleasant person.

Gottagetmoving · 12/02/2018 18:12

I don't think you were being too rude-she was the one who broke etiquette first by moaning and talking about money-a normally rude response is totally fine in those circumstances. She sounds like a really unpleasant person

You DO know this is 2018 and not 1898?

Justoneme · 12/02/2018 18:14

It is what it is... truth hurts... that's why she left ...

wisterialanes · 12/02/2018 18:16

I know a school mum like this and it makes me mad. I was sucked in by the 'poor, single mother' sob story and regularly lent/gave her money 'to feed the kids'. She really opened up to me and I realized that her priorities were so skewed and she had no intention of ever paying anyone money back. She would regularly approach charities looking money for food, furniture, fuel etc but would then spend £400 on a dog because 'she couldn't wait to see the look on the dc's faces'. She would then plead poverty that as she was a single parent she couldn't afford food for the DC or the dog Hmm. I lost count of the luxuries she bought that she seemed to think that everyone around her should pay for.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/02/2018 18:20

wisterial that is bloody awful, I hope you stopped lending to her and told her why.

wisterialanes · 12/02/2018 18:26

Aero sadly I didn't tell her as she can be scary she is so wrapped up in her victim narrative that she wouldn't believe me. It seems that her family are all the same so I suppose it is a culture for her. Buy what you want, but then let your kids go without to fund it. I don't have much contact with her as when I politely asked for one of my loans back strangely she stopped bothering with me!

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