To tell someone their kids should come first

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

@gottagetmoving nope, but I have a clear conscience knowing my kids will always come first

@inprogress I’m not sure where the fathers are. The youngest ones father has been in and out of her life the last 3 years, they get back together and then break up. I lost track of the current situation. As far as I’m aware she gets some sort of money from both, not sure how much though 😕

nope, but I have a clear conscience knowing my kids will always come first

Well done you. 😒

Most people don't need to announce it...

You’re absolutely right op!

Do you judge the father?

good on you OP. I hate hearing people who spend a load on cigs or alcohol saying they’ve got no cash.
Those are lifestyle choices. Kids or no kids, you need to live within your means, and if you need more cash you give up on the luxuries

@stealthpolarbear I have my judgements which I’ve already said I mostly keep to myself. She rarely talked about them. Most of the stuff I know about them was from my other friend. I do feel sorry for her that she is trying to do it alone or whatever but then you do what you can with what you’ve got.
I work with a guy who has 3 daughters and a gf, he likes to smoke weed, he doesn’t drink, he does like smoking. If his children need something he will quite happily stop smoking week to make sure they have what they need. They don’t have expensive clothes or up to date technology. They are 3 of the happiest little girls I know. He is a sound guy and talks about them all the time. They wanted a puppy he even stopped the weed to save for one. He gives up his luxaries so his daughters needs come first. I’m not saying you have to quit cold turkey but maybe giving it up when needed will go a long way. Or maybe do or the other.

Well done!!! I had a "good friend" who always moaned about how poor she was etc etc how HER kids never wore Clark's shoes as SHE couldn't afford it, how HER poor kids never went on holiday etc etc (obviously a dig at myself) yet she would regularly spend £80 on a pair of bloody knickers she would be wearing for approx 10mins! managed to splash out on a new motor bike to impress a bloke when she didn't have a full licence and had several thousand pounds worth of tattoos scattered around her body....drove me insane...

If your aim was to put an end to her ‘crying poor’ whining in your presence, I’d say you’ll have succeeded. Doubt you’ll see her again.

She’s far more likely to act offended than take the advice and have a hard think about her priorities (and her reputation). She’s also fairly likely to bitch about you to mutual friends.

Sometimes this is not a bad thing- as long as you have a thick skin about it. When she tells the story of how rude you were, she’ll likely get little sympathy from others who’ve been biting their tongues.

I often giggle to myself when I picture my DM ringing everyone she knows to recount my latest appalling behaviour towards her. This week she was on her high horse because I dared suggest she might like to contribute to DGD’s after school lessons. Bitched to all her granny mates, only to discover they routinely take on the cost of lessons- and many also the school fees! Not much sympathy there.

Maybe your friend will end up giving her own head a wobble, but I doubt she’ll thank you!

I dared suggest she might like to contribute to DGD’s after school lessons. Bitched to all her granny mates, only to discover they routinely take on the cost of lessons- and many also the school fees! Not much sympathy there

No wonder she 'bitched' ....You've got a bloody cheek suggesting or expecting she pay for anything.
Are you real? I think after reading that and OPs smug posts....I've entered an alternative universe. 😕

@gottagetmoving
Yeah my posts were totally smug 😊 (in case you can’t read between the lines I was being sarcastic )
I wonder if people actually take in the whole post or if they just skim read and take in what they want. I’m not sure how many times I can repeat this is the first t8me I’ve ever done anything like that.... but maybe the once just makes you smug.
I’ve seen a whole different type of personality on mumsnet, that’s for sure.

You were absolutely right about this woman’s selfish priorities though if we were all to tell everyone else what we thought of them society would break down. I think that, on balance, in this case, truth comes before manners. She won’t take any notice though. Anyone who puts booze and fags before their children’ s shoes is a lost cause.

@ivymaud oh yeah he knows, we are pretty close and our children are similar age and both have dogs so we have a lot in common, except the weed using.....

Good for you OP. A lot of the posters who disagree I bet haven't experienced the burden of someone like this. My daughters father has never given me a penny in maintenance in 11 years, never taken his daughter on holiday, never takes her anywhere even, and regularly can't afford to bring her home or pick her up because he can't afford bus money, but yet him and his girlfriend smoke (in their flat-with my daughter around) and drink a lot. I just bite my tongue about it and seethe because wha can I do. I'm glad there are people brave enough like you to say it.

If you were having a go for them not having a job or being in debt then that would be unfairly judgemental, but for drinking and smoking you were absolutely justified. Very selfish behaviour.

Well done OP for saying it How it is. Yes, she should 100% forgo her fags for her child to have new shoes. She hopefully realised how selfish she is being. Seriously you did the right thing, some people need these things bluntly pointed out. Ignore the mean comments on here and rest assured I for one would have said the same thing to her!

You should remember the words of Macaulay, OP: "People will make shift to live under a tyranny, but to be ruled by a busybody is more than anyone can bear".

You were rude, interfering, smug, condescending, snobbish - and right.

But being right will never mitigate the other five qualities.

If his children need something he will quite happily stop smoking week to make sure they have what they need. They don’t have expensive clothes or up to date technology. They are 3 of the happiest little girls I know. He is a sound guy and talks about them all the time. They wanted a puppy he even stopped the weed to save for one. He gives up his luxaries so his daughters needs come first.

where is this man, I need to find him and marry him not

It’s annoying when people plead poverty but always have money for booze and fags.
My mum was a smoker and it was always 2 packs of cigarettes a day and two pounds left over from the tenner for groceries (1990s).
She always said she couldn’t afford it, and she didn’t want me spoiled so she didn’t buy things.
I told her to cut down to one pack a day and then she could afford nice clothes for me. I got a smack.
I know all the posters think you’re rude, but if you’ve heard it over and over again “can’t afford it” it pisses people off.

Good on you! You may have been rude, but she was a terrible mother and bragging about it. If she is too stupid to know that her actions are hurting her children, then she should be smart enough not to blab about giving to others before them.

My brother is like that, borrowed my mother's money until she died from stress but always "looked" great bc he purchased misc for misc people.

I offered to buy her children and did buy them an ice cream each. I was a bit put out, but I got over it ....until she decided she needed to leave to meet her dealer to score some weed.

MN really is a window to another world at times.

You misunderstood my question. You're (rightly imo) judging the mother for failing to provide for her children. Their father is presumably equally or more failing to provide. Do you also judge him?
And Mr weed sounds like a great guy. He even stopped smoking weed so they could get a puppy. Father of the year award.

If she can’t afford school schools she shouldn’t be buying alcohol and cigarettes....

I don’t think you are unreasonable, I can’t listen to someone moaning about having no money but then lighting up and inhaling those vile death sticks....

Prob a bit rude to say in front of everyone tho...

*shoes

I know a few people like this and they're all women and I'm not sure what to make of it tbh.

Woman 1 - single mum to a bratty son always goes on about how poor she is, how she can only afford once a day, her kid wears a coat 2 sizes to small etc. You get the picture however:

She sold the coat I gave her (my son's old ) to buy a bottle of wine because she had a hard week. Why she sold the coat which fit him rather than the one that doesn't I don't know

She just had her eyebrows microbladed for £300+

She buys her son whatever toys he wants even if she has to put it on credit card but regularly knocks on neighbour's doors for milk, pasta, fish fingers etc.

It's all about priorities and hers are seriously skewed, she doesn't see the need to budget & save because some poor mug will puck up the bill.