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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hitting back

100 replies

13lozz · 10/02/2018 07:16

Aibu to think that encouraging 'hitting back' is not the best stratagy? Whats everybodys opinions? Personally i would not encourage my dd to hit back but to walk away and tell somebody but i hear a lot of people encourging their children to hit back if they are hit whats best stratagy for you?

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 10/02/2018 07:26

Not something I’ve had to deal with yet but for my daughter I’ll be teaching her to loudly say / shout “no don’t do that” with her arms out to try and maintain her personal space and to call for help if possible but if she’s cornered then yes hitting back will be sanctioned by me.

I dont want my child feeling they only have to take a physical attack and not defend themselves in order to remain a ‘good girl’.

I’d do the same for a boy but feel strongly that it’s important for girls have a voice and the confidence to stand up for themselves/ defend

HicDraconis · 10/02/2018 07:38

When DS1 had a boy leap on his back and start hitting him around the head, he couldn’t walk away and “stop it” “no” said very loudly didn’t get him very far.

His karate training proved useful - one back kick got the lad off, a sweep put him on the floor (safely) and a firm “don’t do that again” has meant there has not been a recurrence.

SleepFreeZone · 10/02/2018 07:40

I agree OP. I was really surprised that two of my sensible school friends had been teaching that to their children (one boy, one girl). All I can see happening is two kids getting sent to detention/disciplined instead of one. Doesn’t make sense to me!

Pengggwn · 10/02/2018 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluebellTheDonkey · 10/02/2018 07:49

My boys go to self defence classes. They are taught to defend themselves properly. They are also taught to shout 'back off' loudly with hand held out towards the attacker and take a step back before they use any moves. I 100% agree with self defence if it is genuinely needed, my 13yr old DS has had to use it at school a couple of times. I have also told him that whilst I support him, he needs to be aware that the school may still punish him for 'hitting back'.

MartialArt · 10/02/2018 07:49

I was severely bullied at school, physically and verbally, telling the teachers and my parents made it go away for a very short time then they'd come right back.

My son is learning karate and will be told to restrain if he can and punch back if he has to.
He won't be stand being bullied and I won't either.

RitaMills · 10/02/2018 07:49

I don’t encourage DS to hit back, just walk away and tell someone. The only time he knows it’s acceptable is if he is cornered and has to defend himself to get himself out of the situation.

It doesn’t always work though, a boy tripped DS up on purpose a few weeks ago and he pushed the boy, both boys were kept in at break time for the rest of the week. 🙄

MissionItsPossible · 10/02/2018 08:21

If someone hit me in the face I wouldn't meekly walk away and tell somebody, I'd instantly react and do the same back. Often with bullying situations it takes only one hard punch to get them to get the message and leave you alone.

MumGoneMild · 10/02/2018 08:23

Having had one child relentlessly bullied until he hit back I've taught the other to never hit first but to hit back and to hit back hard.

Cherrycokewinning · 10/02/2018 08:25

I agree with the above posts, there is nothing wrong with self defence

4yoniD · 10/02/2018 08:26

Telling a teacher doesn't seem to help at all in my dd's school - what's left?

mustbemad17 · 10/02/2018 08:33

My DD is 5. She will be taking some form of self defence lesson when I can find one because having worked in schools I know that many ignore their bullying policy. Currently DD knows to walk away & tell a teacher if she is upset; that doesn't work as they get older. I remember myself being about 11 & being bullied by the same gaggle of girls day in day out. School knew, my folks had had meetings...it carried on. I stopped it by losing my shit one day & lamping the lead girl in the face. After that I was left alome because I wasn't a soft target & could clearly defend myself.

We were brought up being told you never start a fight. You walk away, keep your mouth shut. However if somebody started with you physically, you knew how to finish it. No OTT once they're down keep kicking, my folks made it clear if that happened we were in trouble.

StylishMummy · 10/02/2018 08:42

Never start it but feel free to finish it.

^
What I was taught. Rarely had an issue once bullies realised I wouldn't just take their abuse

ButchyRestingFace · 10/02/2018 08:46

Suppose it depends on how large the person she’s be hitting is.

Under the age of about 10 is about the only time females will be more or less as physically strong as males. So if you’re ever going to hit back (at males), best do it before puberty strikes.

Dancingfairy · 10/02/2018 08:54

Yep I've already told mine to hit back. My sister was bullied badly in school. Nothing would stop it till one day my mum said get the biggest bully and hurt her back. She wasn't bullied again after she did exactly that.

BrownTurkey · 10/02/2018 08:57

I understand why you think it is wrong, but it is nuanced advice in certain contexts. DH only ever punched someone once, but they left him alone after that - so yes, best not to rise to provocation in general, as it may make it more fun to pick on you, but sometimes losing your shit spectacularly is the thing that helps.

mustbemad17 · 10/02/2018 08:58

There obviously still has to be a line. Defending yourself is a quick punch to the nose & walk away. I do know some families who teach their kids to keep going...imo that is wrong. Crosses the line between self defence & taking advantage of a momentary weakness.

As for the male versus female issue, i went to a self defence class at Uni & we were told if you can, go for the knackers. Doesn't take any amount of strength but does the job!

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/02/2018 09:08

DS1 is 12 and is very tall (relevant). When he began infant school he was far taller than the other DC in his class and I had always taught him never to hit back but to find a grown up, thinking how awful it could be if he did hit back because he was so much bigger than the other children.

A couple of boys in his class went through a phase of being quite unkind to him and DS1 did nothing but stand there and take it because he'd heard me say so often that it's never ok to hit.

Eventually he lost his temper with both boys, hit one in the stomach and dragged the other one across the playground to the dinner lady and threw him at her feet to deal with. School (and the other boys parents) were both concerned about DS1's reaction, claiming that his retaliation was far worse. I disagreed and refused to punish DS1 for simply protecting himself. Those boys never went near him again and after 3 years of digs and teasing I almost wish he'd lost his temper earlier.

My personal belief now is that it's absolutely ok to hit sometimes. I've taught both DC that they must never be the instigator in any situation but that if they need to protect themselves that it's absolutely fine and essential to do just that. Neither is very scrappy but both would defend themselves if they needed to.

DS2 is 7 so I have the benefit of hindsight when it comes to teaching him things like this. He's much more vocal and if he doesn't like something he will immediately say "you don't get to do that to me, this is my body" to whoever is bothering him. He's much more confident knowing those boundaries that I can see I made an enormous mistake being so "don't hit, don't hit" with DS1.

Firesuit · 10/02/2018 09:27

My parents were religious. I can say from experience of both childhood and marriage that not retaliating generates additional abuse.

Jesus may have been a nice guy, but he knew fuck-all about game theory.

Ginnotginger · 10/02/2018 09:59

I taught my DD not to hit back, walk away etc. The other kids soon figured this out and two in particular, she played with outside school, regularly pushed her, rammed the back wheel of her bike, so she would fall off, or just slapped her. I changed the rules to if they hit/push you first you can do it back. She hit one of the girls once and it stopped. She did the same at school, got told off, but wasn't hit again.
Her son (4) has been told not to hit back, to walkaway and tell an adult and this has worked for him - the school dealt with the incident well. As he get older and if bullying continues she has said that the advise will change.

treeofhearts · 10/02/2018 10:06

I was bullied at school and found that hitting back was the only thing that worked but only if I actually hurt them. Otherwise it was just funny to them. So I'll be telling mine to hit back and harder. I won't tolerate starting a fight but they can bloody well finish it.

worridmum · 10/02/2018 11:05

My motto is never start it but always finish it, my children do self defense classes as they were being bullied school did not stop the violence being directed as they would need to have seen it happen and did not encourage telling (whole different problem from previous school mind you). So i would not back the school up on punishments when my DD / 2 DS finally hit back aka i did not punish them as well but it thankfully stopped the bullying so the detentions were worth it in the eyes of my children.

RowenasDiadem · 10/02/2018 11:07

I've taught mine not to because his regular bully doesn't care and would just hit back again harder, and he goes right for the soft flesh and knows where to inflict the most damage. The best DS could do is swing a few hits, he wouldn't think to tear at the throat or go for the eyes.
Plus, when the bully child attacks mine (or anyone else's), any complaints to his mother are met with some bullshit "It's normal childhood retaliation. Yours isn't innocent you know!" Bullshit when in truth, neither mine nor anyone else's kids ever put a finger on him.
(We can have a dozen people watching them and never once does any child touch hers but she'll back him up all the way when he inevitably ends up hurting one. The woman is scarily delusional and the kid, possibly a real life sociopath.)

Hitting back would just make her right.

Now I'm not saying I wouldn't love DS to turn round and beat the snot out of the kid one day...............

yummyeclair · 10/02/2018 11:10

Following

BlurryFace · 10/02/2018 12:30

Well it's what my dad taught me once it became clear school's input was walk away and ignore them - does that ever work? Are there any bullies who don't just follow their victims who are confined to the same area as they are?