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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hitting back

100 replies

13lozz · 10/02/2018 07:16

Aibu to think that encouraging 'hitting back' is not the best stratagy? Whats everybodys opinions? Personally i would not encourage my dd to hit back but to walk away and tell somebody but i hear a lot of people encourging their children to hit back if they are hit whats best stratagy for you?

OP posts:

iwant2know · 10/02/2018 15:45

When DSS1 was 13 he was being bullied by an older 15 boy. This boy would trip up dss, push him around. That summer DH (who does Krav Maga) taught his a few defensive moves, sweeps that sort of thing.

3 days back to term the bully punched dss in the face twice, when he tried to do it again DSS intercepted his wrist and twisted it. The bully ended up with a broken wrist. The school tried to blame dss.

Luckily for us the bully's friends posted it to Facebook . Apparently these boys had done this to other boys.

The bully's parents tried to get the police to arrest dss because they were convinced their son was the victim .

Sometimes hitting back if justified. Don't start it but always finish it. That's what DH tells dsss.

mustbemad17 · 10/02/2018 15:49

Yellow that's a great article. And actually what he says is spot on; if we teach our kids to be submissive as kids, the liklihood is that they will grow up being pushed around

BMW6 · 10/02/2018 15:49

Don't hit first - but hit harder.

plominoagain · 10/02/2018 15:54

My daughter has been excluded by her school for pushing someone away this very week . She was threatened by the perpetrator the night before that she was going to get beaten up . I offered to escort her to school but she said she would deal with it . She got off the bus , made sure she was standing in the range of the CCTV , and was approached by the bully , shouting and screaming until she got right up in DD's face. DD told her to back off , it did nothing . DD pushed her away out of her space , and the other girl punched her several times to the face , and got her in a headlock , so DD fought back and thumped her till they were separated . I've seen the footage . When watching it , DD's head of years response was a) well she pushed first and b) she gave as good as she got .

She's not going back .

ClaryFray · 10/02/2018 15:54

Walk away and tell somebody only works if the school follow up what's written in their anti bullying policy. Which often they don't.

BiologyMatters · 10/02/2018 15:56

The only thing that ever stopped a bully was hitting him. Id do it again and if my dc were being attacked id tell them to hit back.

mustbemad17 · 10/02/2018 15:57

Plom that's disgusting 😱 Why do schools always side with the bullies? I used to think it was to save themselves hassle, but surely if the victims defending themselves are getting excluded it creates more hassle!!

plominoagain · 10/02/2018 16:01

I have to admit that was the point where I lost the plot . If an adult in their working environment were subject to threats , harassment and physical assault , we'd be unanimous in telling them to leave . The scroll reception is covered in notices saying we don't tolerate abuse towards staff . Yet it seems ok towards their pupils , who at 12 should have half the resilience of an adult .

leighdinglady · 10/02/2018 16:01

I want my daughter to be able to defend herself and not to think doing so is 'naughty'. I don't want her growing up thinking she has to just accept being assaulted and can't fight back.

NNchangedforthis · 10/02/2018 16:02

My kids are taught to hit back if they have no other option. They are only P1 and P2 at the moment but both of them are learning Soo yang do. The teacher is excellent, focuses on stranger danger and more importantly on how they do not hit unless there is no other option. He teaches them to shout No, to hold a hand out, to say stop and to tell an adult. But at least I know that they can defend themselves.
My partner was bullied for years, he is determined his children will not be.

mustbemad17 · 10/02/2018 16:03

That's a good point actually Plom. In a work environment if you're being harassed or bullied there are avenues to take aside from telling the boss. Our kids have two options; tell staff who may or may not listen or fight back

BakedBeans47 · 10/02/2018 16:07

I’ve told my 2 not to start a fight but if anyone hits them first it’s fair game. They haven’t done it but my eldest is being bullied and I’ve told the school quite plainly I’ve authorised it. I’m fucked if I’m sending my kids the message that if someone’s being violent they have to stand there and take it.

FluffyFerrets · 10/02/2018 16:21

I told all 3 of my sons to hit back if someone intentionally hit them.
Never ever start a fight or raise your hands first.
My youngest didn't hit back at first and got bullied for a short while but once he started retaliating the bullies stopped.
Ideally I'd rather they didn't have to do this but unfortunately bullies will continue if you are seen as an easy target.

BlurryFace · 10/02/2018 16:44

kaitlinktm, why should the onus be on the bullied to move and keep away from the bully though? If a teacher/supervisor can't be bothered to try to sort out a problem in an actually constructive manner they can't complain when a child tries to sort it out themselves.

student26 · 10/02/2018 16:45

I was bullied horribly by one girl when I was fifteen until she finally moved away. She was a nasty, vicious girl. I never hit back as it wasn't in my nature. I was even too scared to step foot outside my house as she lived opppsite me and would delight in following me and trying to be physical. If I had the confidence I do now, I would have waited for her to hit me first and then I'd have whacked her so hard she wouldn't have dared hit me or go near me again. I had seen her occasionally in the years since and I've always itched for her to start. I know she won't and it's a good thing she won't. I shouldn't dwell on the past but sometimes someone really sticks in your mind and you wish you had done what you were thinking! I will teach my daughter to hit back harder if, and only if, someone hits her first. She won't be bullied like I was.

Sprinklestar · 10/02/2018 16:55

It’s not ‘hitting back’ - it’s self defence. Perfectly acceptable in my book.

mustbemad17 · 10/02/2018 17:03

Reading this has reminded me i need to find a class for DD. Anybody whose DC do self defence recommend a type? Not karate as the class here sucks

SweetMoon · 10/02/2018 17:08

If your child starts getting bullied and the school do fuck all about it time after time when your kid does the right thing and tells a teacher you'll change your mind.

It got to a point with mine that I just taught my ds how to throw a good punch. He was becoming some little shits battering bag everyday and teachers would just 'talk' to the other child and not actually ensure it was stopped. So he was left with no choice but to fight back.

My kids know not to ever hit first. But yeah after my ds experience I just tell them if someone hits them , bop them back harder.

GhostWriter666 · 10/02/2018 17:28

My dc are not going to be someones punch bag...they have been told to hit back if needed

My dd came home regularly saying another child had hit her (as well as other stuff). One day the teacher pulled me aside and said my dd had hit this child. I reminded her of how this other child had been hitting her for weeks and said I'd speak to my dd about it. turns out other child hit her first so dd hit them back.... it was the last time the child hit my dd!

My dc do karate, and a big part of it is self control, not starting fights, not using karate to harm on purpose. If you need to hit back, dont hit too many times and if they fall down you have to stop and step away telling them to stay down/stop now/etc...If they are found to not follow these rules they can and will be thrown out of the karate school.

GhostWriter666 · 10/02/2018 17:37

If you as an adult were in the street and someone came up and threatened to punch you. You say "dont, leave me alone" and try walking away. Then they punched you. You again say "leave me alone" and try to leave. they don't let you go..... Would you stand there and let the person carry on hitting you or would you fight back?

As someone said....its self-defense!!! people wouldn't expect adults to accept being hit, yet they tell children not to defend themselves.... its crazy!!

kaitlinktm · 10/02/2018 18:32

Blurryface
why should the onus be on the bullied to move and keep away from the bully though? If a teacher/supervisor can't be bothered to try to sort out a problem in an actually constructive manner they can't complain when a child tries to sort it out themselves.

It shouldn't - I did say in my post I didn't know what the answer was.

IME it has been not that the teacher can't be bothered, it is that these things always happen (obviously) when the teacher is not in eyeshot and then it is a matter of kids lying about who started it and staff trying to get to the bottom of things, parents complaining.

Then you might find out that child A started it at break in retaliation for child B having started something the previous day - and so it goes on. Who is the victim then? It can literally take hours of your time, and whatever you decide, somebody isn't happy about it.

I told my kids to either hit back or not, whichever they felt would be best for them, but to be prepared to be punished for "fighting". I would believe they hadn't started it, but without proof, how could a member of staff? Of course sometimes there was CCTV and we could check - but not always, and it wasn't always clear as PP have described.

blackheartsgirl · 10/02/2018 18:56

Nah I’m a hit back type of person

I was encouraged throughout school to tell a teacher or a parent. As a result I was known as the snitch and made my bullies retaliate further by getting more and more nasty because they knew they couldn’t be touched.

One day I snapped and shoved the girl up against some lockers, punched her in the face and pulled her hair and she never personally went near me again..didn’t stop the other bullying though.

My kids are taught not to be push overs..if they need to hit back then they can. My son did and he said it was worth it because this lad came off worse..he pushed my son down the stairs at school and didn’t bank on my son going postal on him..no one touched ds after that and he had no punishment from school either.

topcat2014 · 11/02/2018 08:25

It may be another thread - but what would you propose the school does to 'sort' things - in actual real practical terms?

I can't help thinking most schools policy is
"don't bring me problems" followed by some victim blaming, however.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/02/2018 08:31

I think it very much depends if your talking nursery age kids or older.

Weirdly the conversations I hear/see about this the ones advocating it are usually talking about 2/3yo

mustbemad17 · 11/02/2018 08:52

TopCat that's my impression too, re the victim blaming. I will say that so far my DDs primary have been good, there's been a couple of incidents of her getting floored by the boys & it's been dealt with...similarly the one time I know of her getting lairy in the lunch queue she was reprimanded.

Needs my DD is nearly 6, she's been taught the 'don't start it but finish it if you have to' rule since she was 4. It's worked well. A friend once took her to the park where two lads were shoving the girls off the swings into the dirt. When they tried it with DD she let it go once & yelled at them to stop; when they tried it again she shoved one of them back. They left her alone after that.
I also found that it stopped her being trampled all over at soft play, maybe because even at that age she had the confidence that I wouldn't tell her off. She still gets a rollocking if she's an instigator tho

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