Hitting back

[13lozz]

Aibu to think that encouraging 'hitting back' is not the best stratagy? Whats everybodys opinions? Personally i would not encourage my dd to hit back but to walk away and tell somebody but i hear a lot of people encourging their children to hit back if they are hit whats best stratagy for you?

Never start. If it starts finish it.

It goes against everything they are taught at primary school, but having a teenage DS now I can honestly say when he hit his bully back (finally) it was the only thing that stopped it.
If they don't retaliate they will be in for a really hard time if they can't defend themselves at high school.

My child is taking karate classes, and has been told never to throw the first punch but to hit back hard if necessary.

Walking away and telling a teacher usually achieves nothing. My son was told to just ‘keep away’ from the people bullying him.

My son was told to just ‘keep away’ from the people bullying him...and the old 'go away , stop telling tales' these were told to DS2.

These are reasons why it doesn't work to be passive...but they only get once chance or get flattened does..does anyone think that bullies will think 'oh doesn't like it I will leave them alone'...tosh..

Hit back but don’t hit first

There are a few threads on mn. Pages and pages of posts all saying the same thing. I/person in my life was bullied really badly. School were ineffective. It only stopped when this person hit back.

• There are a few threads like this on mn.

I’m in the camp of never start a fight but make sure you finish it and hit them back twice as hard.

Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself in life.

Well it's what my dad taught me once it became clear school's input was walk away and ignore them - does that ever work?

I don't know, but I can see why schools have to say this. Can you imagine the backlash if they encouraged children to hit each other - inciting violence, encouraging aggression, might is right etc?

I once had the unenviable job of trying to sort out the aftermath of a fight between 2 kids, both of whom claimed to be the victim (and were both supported by their friends), both of whom claimed the other was lying and both of whose parents (understandably) believed their own child and expected me to do the same on their say-so. I wasn't a witness to the start of the fight (obvs) so didn't know which of them started it.

I don't have the answer, but I do know that hitting back can cause as many problems as not hitting back does.

I was bullied in high school. Told teachers but that seldom did anything to tackle it. It wssn't severe but I wish my parents taught me to stick up for myself instead of telling me to hit the bully (which i didnt do) when they said something nasty.

Send the DC to self defence classes and teach them about emotional resilience, if you can.

Schools won't see hitting back as justified, however much you may feel it is. The DC hitting back will be deemed just as guilty as the instigator.

The way I've explained it to my (soft as shit but tall and strong 8 yr old) DS is that I don't ever expect him to resort to physical violence as a routine way of sorting out a problem - if there is another option like saying "stop it" loudly or telling a teacher, etc - he should take it. If he does hit back when there was another option available then he is to expect whatever punishment school wants to give him because even though he didn't lash out first, his reaction was wrong.

But if he ever feels in physical danger or has no other option, then self-defence is exactly that and he needs to do whatever he must to protect himself and we will support him if he had to make that choice.

He's a talented judo player so he'd probably just sweep them to the floor and be done with it!

Hitting back is fine if it is self-defence. Any strategy is justified if someone is the victim of an unprovoked physical attack. It only becomes unacceptable if the victim pursues the attacker or uses unreasonable disproportionate force (eg continuing to kick/hit once the attacker is no longer a threat).

The best advice to give is that the victim needs to keep a clear head whilst mounting their defence. Aim for the face, especially the eyes, or the groin, and remember that in most situations you are actually better off making lots of average shots rather than biding your time with a few well-placed ones.

Good luck!

I taught my DC to never start a fight but that it's OK to defend themselves.

At the age of 9 my quiet, shy DS1 was being bullied at school. Teachers did nothing. One day in the playground DS had had enough & retaliated. He hit back, very hard. His teacher's response was 'I shouldn't say this, but well done'

Anyway, that boy left DS alone after that.

I think it very much depends on the child’s temperament really.

Myself and DH were brought up being told very different.
I feared not hitting back, he feared hitting back. Much of that was because of our parents reactions.

I think as parents we really need to take into account what our children’s natural instincts would be, and try to cultivate on that.

My DD is a pleasant, very gentle girl. I know she doesn’t like the idea of ever being physical with anyone. She’s very soft, she would prefer to tell someone, she would try to get out of a situation without hitting back wherever possible.

In every situation she’s always gone to dinner ladies and teachers and said, So and so hurt me, except once when she was in year 2- two boys in year 4 kept poking and poking her at lunch time. She told them to stop, continued to do so. The next day they tried it again, she got a bit angry and said I keep telling you to stop. Do it again and I’ll punch you in the face.

The boys ran off in tears and I was called into the school.

Sorry but if DD feels she has no other choice than to feel she needs to threaten to retaliate or actually retaliate im convinced that is her only option. I know her reactions and completely stand by them.

The most important thing to teach them is to trust in their own reaction if they are ever attacked. Hopefully this will serve her well when she is grown up.

I don’t want her to feel at all like DH did. He took a lot of abuse because he was told to hit back made him just as bad.

Don't start it but if someone else does then you can finish it was always my advice. My DS never had any issues, my DD was shy and at primary school a boy kept picking on her, she told staff was either told to stop telling tales or he was spoken to nothing ever changed. When they were yr 5 he stuck his hand up her summer dress and she floored him with one punch. I was called into the school and asked to tell her in front of staff that she shouldn't have done it. I refused and pointed out if someone had stuck their hand up my skirt at work/out I would do the same.

Did anyone ever see the post that was going round FB about a mum called into a high school? Her DD had been having issues with a lad pinging her bra strap for a while, the staff just told her to stay away or ignore it. When she smacked him the head wanted to punish her, his parents were enraged etc. The girl's mother turned it round on the school & said she would happily press charges for sexual assault if it was needed. The school cared more about the physical assault than the ongoing sexual assault that technically was taking place daily

I was bullied in primary school pretty intensely for 3 years, in year 6 i snapped and pushed him to the floor to the point his side had some heavy grazes.

My teacher told him 'that will teach you'

Sometimes bullies dont listen to anything else. I would like to think my girls would be safe with worlds but we all no thats not true.

It's a thin line isn't it?

Some kids get the message verbally
Some get the message when hit back

Not all parents tell their kids to walk away

Not lol kids can keep their impulses to themselves

I told DD to hit back hard after being verbally and phically abused by an older boy - guess what? It worked!

Teachers believed it was an ccident and her friends backed her - it wasn't - he deserved it

We've told DS to always try to walk away first, but if things persist then he is to defend himself.

He was worried that he might get in trouble but we told him that if he ever comes home from school in trouble for fighting where he was the instigator, then yes he will be in hot water with us however, if he comes home with a letter/detention for fighting where he was defending himself the no, he will not be!

I have always taught my children to walk away and tell a adult. However this isn't that practical all the time. After months of name calling and so on. A group of 6 children had my then 9yr old son surrounded against a fence continuing the name calling and making him feel threatened. He lashed out at them all and he was the one that got into massive trouble at school.
Now 2 years later I've still tried to stick to the walk away thing and he's become a target for other kids to have a go at constantly and physically attack him because they know he won't fight back. So we've now said if you can walk away then walk away but if you can't and they hit you then you defend yourself.
He was also attacked at the park last year and luckily a adult stepped in.
We've had a chat about what to do in certain situations and he said that it was so hard to walk away when he's being cornered and pushed and hit.

My mum once got called into school cos i'd hit a lad in the playground. I was year 4 maybe? He was slightly older. I got a rollocking & they tried to suspend me...until the full story came out. This lad had punched my brother after nicking his football. No call to mum about that despite the state of my brother's face! I tried to get the ball back, got pushed so i punched him. Up until my mum intervened the instigator had not received one negative word about his actions!!

I think schools have a lot to evaluate about bullying policies

Sadly the only way to deal with bullies is to hit them back. Take it and walk away and your fucked for years to come. Because they will keep targeting you.

So yes, she has to hit back.

Hitting back didn't work for me a secondary school, I got beaten up by a whole group of girls as punishment and then an older cousin. On top of that I got introuble at school.

I don't encourage violence in my children although I do tell them it's ok to push people who are threatening them away as hard as they feel necessary in order to get away.

www.independent.ie/life/family/family-features/david-coleman-why-im-in-favour-of-kids-fighting-back-against-the-schoolyard-bully-34505548.html

I disagree OP and this article explains some of my thinking on it well.