to want to tell DD to sod off?

[wtf2015]

So single mother with 5DC, ex has remarried and has a new baby. He is very successful in his career and is earns £250k a year. I earn 20k, I’ve given up my career to bring up children and have enjoyed it with few regrets. I have made huge sacrifices, personally and professionally whereas my ex is a selfish bastard. My dc recognise this but have learnt to accept how he is as he will never change. DD is in year 11 and has just announced that she is going prom dress shopping with her step mother as ex has offered to pay for it. The penny has just dropped that this is the same as when my son left for uni and my ex and step mother took him down to halls as they’d offered to take him buy all his bedding from the white company. FFS my ds and now my dd have no respect for me and I’ve given up so much for them.

My relationship with my Mum was damaged by her resentment that my Dad went on to remarry and with 2 incomes my Dad and Step Mum had more money and nicer things than my Mum as a single parent.

It's not great when your Mum is bitter about your Dad taking you on holiday or buying you things as I experienced.

You are projecting your bitterness and jealousy onto your completely innocent daughter, and it really is. not fair. Say it to your ex if you feel so strongly. She owes you nothing.

They are doing you a favour...don't look a gift horse in the mouth..it's the very least they should be doing...prom dresses ( bizarrely) are important at that age,we had enough dramas with it...let her go wearing his paid for dress.she will feel fab x

Lots of people are saying that the OP was looking forward to going prom dress shopping with her daughter. But did her dd know that? Did her ec or the step mum.

Had anyone actually discuss this before?

I cant help wonder if the Ops (understandable) bitterness over the situation and money, has been picked up by the kids. The kids probably think its taking pressure off the Op.

Its really unfair to take this out on the kids.

does he pay maintenance? If he doesn’t tell him to piss off. If he does, well afraid you’ll just have to put up and shut up. I have the tee-shirt. When they're grown up as mine are, they’ll work out for themselves who has given up the most for them. I was on benefits when I went through this and if I fell short in some way or we rowed my maintenance was a week or so late which fucked my money right up. However I got the last laugh because the Court caught up with him years later and he had to pay me loads of back pay. I do feel for you, but try to ignore these annoying situations if you can. At least your kids get to have the right gear for special situations without you having to give something up. You deserve a huge hug 🤗

......reading the posts, there are a lot of you guys out there that deserve a hug 🤗. Take care ALL of you

Your dd will know who was there when she was throwing up in the middle of the night, or any of the other supportive things you've done over the years. Let her develop a good relationship with her SM and let your ex throw money at your kids. They're his kids too and he has a right to see them and buy them things. It might seem that their wholly mercenary at the moment but they'll eventually remember/realise that love and support are worth far more than having money thrown at things. You've given them things money can't buy. Let your dd have her prom dress. You'll be the one sharing prom night with her and that's worth far more.

The kids get it. If not now, they will when they're older. Don't worry, OP.

Completely away from the point but The white company stuff is really rubbish to be fair. I have better quality bedding from Tesco (and clothes from M&S/Next) I worked for them for many years and their stuff is made in sweat shops abroad (the labels that says made in Italy, Portugal etc means the label was made there not the actual product). We used to be able to buy £175 sheets for just £1 in the staff shop

I grew up with this. My DD's father had all the money in the world. I divorced him because he was the most miserable man in the world. He still is. I'm glad every day I divorced him 35 years ago. I had to teach my DD the real value of things. Never talked about him-never said anything bad about him. We had many many talks about which you would rather have for instance, all the money in the world or all the love and encouragement in the world. We had taste tests to determine the best.

Can’t get over buying bedding from The White Company for a lad in Halls of Residence. What a waste of cash!

Why not take your DD shopping for the prom dress. Either (a) ask ex to pay for it by ringing the Shop or (b) Ask shop to hold it for 24 hours and have step mother go pay for it

Your DD is old enough to be explained to that prom dress shopping is very important thing for you to share with her - just like wedding dress shopping (get that in there now, avoid future issue).

I think YABU. If DDs bio dad was to rock up and offer to buy her prom dress I’d be doing cartwheels!

Let him take some of the stress of parenthood. Use the £200/300/400 you save on a break for the two of you to enjoy after her prom.

Yanbu, I'd be absolutely gutted if I were you nothing helpful to contribute I'm afraid, just my sympathy

Maybe he just wants to treat his children? What's wrong with that? Maybe he knows he's in a better financial position than you and thinks he's doing you a favour? Don't get bitter about it there's no point.

You should be getting a decent amount of maintenance OP. Is there a reason you aren't?

Since when did prom dress shopping become such a bit mother and daughter rite of passage? Stupid bloody American thing if you ask me.

I think it's great that your DD gets to have a nice dress that her DF can clearly afford and you don't have any of the stress of paying for it! You will be the one to see her off, you will help her get ready surely?

If she want going with her SM would it be as much of an issue?

I never understand why people think this is an American thing.

The word prom, maybe. But it all harks back to debutantes making their come out as eligible for marriage. Not that that’s much better!

Anyway, OP, you should view it as a bit of a money saver for you. Let him buy the tacky dress.

It would be grossly unfair if you made your dd or ds feel bad or guilty for allowing their father to be involved in or pay for things for them.

He might be a dick but he’s always going to be their dad and rightly or wrongly, he is who you procreated with!

We had a school leavers disco in the school hall and that was it! No fancy dresses for us- just Tammy girls finest!

Let him buy the dress - you could pay for her hair and make up and see her leave from your house.

I am sure in the not too distant future my daughters will be wanting the most expensive designer dress -fathers- money can buy. I know I won’t be able to compete.

Do you get on with the new wife can you all go shopping together - scratch that bloody stupid idea.

Bloody strike through fail 🤨

let her get the dress from him, she may never get anything else from him. he owes the kids something even if its just crumbs, they know who brought them up and how xx

I had this, my ex is wealthy and paid for all the prom stuff for one of my daughters, big car etc. I helped her to get ready and made it all go nicely, glass of fizz for her and her friends and she left from home here. He was never around and didn't see the important bits.
This youngest daughter is living with him now as she is at university but is coming back to live with me after her studies. We are very close as I tried not to let it come between us and when we see each other (which is often) i am the one who gives her cuddles and comfort, she is still my little baby!
Bite your tongue, use sugar and not spice to handle this and she will stay close to you.

Why don’t you take her shopping beforehand anyway? Let her try on what she likes, take her for lunch, help her pick something out that suits (and maybe then have it put to one side ready for payment later) That you’ve still have important input and a day out together- even if someone else pays for it after...!