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AIBU?

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Original poster

to want to tell DD to sod off?

157 replies

wtf2015 · 08/02/2018 22:48

So single mother with 5DC, ex has remarried and has a new baby. He is very successful in his career and is earns £250k a year. I earn 20k, I’ve given up my career to bring up children and have enjoyed it with few regrets. I have made huge sacrifices, personally and professionally whereas my ex is a selfish bastard. My dc recognise this but have learnt to accept how he is as he will never change. DD is in year 11 and has just announced that she is going prom dress shopping with her step mother as ex has offered to pay for it. The penny has just dropped that this is the same as when my son left for uni and my ex and step mother took him down to halls as they’d offered to take him buy all his bedding from the white company. FFS my ds and now my dd have no respect for me and I’ve given up so much for them.

OP posts:
untoldstories · 09/02/2018 01:57

Despite, despite, despite.
Fuck despite.
If I'd bought my children up and sacrificed a career and whatever it would gut me and piss me right off if the ex who'd paid fuck all to their upbringing jumped in with his new wife at the important moments and grabbed the limelight.
Fuck that.
I would be cross.
I would not visit my crossness on my DC, I would want them to be happy and love their Dad but I would still be cross and feel the pain of not being the one who could provide those things and enjoy being part of choosing them while someone who is not their parent does.

untoldstories · 09/02/2018 02:05

I don't think the OP's being martyish at all.
Imagine someone else taking your DD to buy her prom dress.
Imagine someone else getting to go to see your DD graduate, anything, It's your DD, your child, it's not as if her Dad's taking her to buy the bloody dress, he's paying for it, whattaguy.
You'll never get that chance again.
I get it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/02/2018 02:08

Yes, I get that the OP is hurt and yes I would be too - but why aim her anger at her DD? Aim it at the showboating fuckwit father, who only, as you say, jumps in to steal the limelight?

That's where the martryish bit comes in - because she wants to tell her DAUGHTER to sod off, not the ex.

Monty27 · 09/02/2018 02:15

When they mature they will understand love is so much more than money.

BitOfFun · 09/02/2018 02:19

Yes, I get that the OP is hurt and yes I would be too - but why aim her anger at her DD? Aim it at the showboating fuckwit father, who only, as you say, jumps in to steal the limelight?

Exactly. I'm not saying that you are wrong to feel hurt, but I do think you are wrong to direct that at your daughter.

Ethylred · 09/02/2018 04:31

"his is what he does... flash the cash when it suits him and he can get at me. Rest of the time he doesn’t give a shit."

Your resentment is showing. This is not about you, however.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 09/02/2018 05:25

I see where you're coming from completely. Their dad is buying their affection and it hurts how quickly they're jumping to it. Try not to blame them though, obviously it would have been nice if they could have accepted and still involved you, but honestly it's probably just the phase they're going through.

Do you feel they respect you, aside from their dad's grand gestures? If not, that's the real issue. If they do, you need to just let these things go unfortunately. I know it doesn't feel fair though.

thebewilderness · 09/02/2018 05:29

I am so sorry. This sort of thing is always so painful even when we think we are braced for it.

InToMyHeart · 09/02/2018 05:32

Do you think maybe your children are just trying to save you some money by letting their dad buy them stuff?

Honestly "to want to tell dd to sod off?" is incredibly pathetic and immature. You'll push your kids away like that.

diodati · 09/02/2018 05:45

You're seriously thinking of telling your DD to "sod off"? WTF is wrong with you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2018 05:53

Tell your dd you are sad you can’t afford to buy her lovely things. Don’t get upset with her. I also think the dress selection shop is a good idea. You will be faced with this situation many times in the future, notably when/ if you dd (and ds) get married so it’s best to start preparing yourself.

Original poster
wtf2015 · 09/02/2018 07:15

So many wise words - thanks. Yes I am bitter, I shouldn’t be and try not to. I get minimum child maintenance and no spousal maintenance (ex and step mum both barristers) and am sick of their ‘lord of the manor’ lifestyle whilst ours is the complete opposite. No point in telling him to sod odd, he’s an abusive chauvinist dick. I’m hurt that my daughter didn’t think that I might want to go with her.

OP posts:
FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 09/02/2018 07:35

Do you get on with step mum? Can you not ring her and ask if you can come along?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/02/2018 07:45

It's very unrealistic to expect them never to take anything from their dad or do anything with that side of the family simply because he left and you were the main carer. They have two parents not one.

If you are so resentful of giving up a career then deal with that yourself, your children didn't ask you to and nobody needs to not work simply because they are a parent. Your choices were your own to make, they didn't get a say.

There's nothing stopping you pursuing your old career now surely? Yes you may have to work your way back up but if you had a high flying career once its doable again with hard work.

ExecutiveDiamondBossBabeHun · 09/02/2018 07:48

This is a lot like my ex. Who earns crazy money and likes to splash out on ridiculous things whilst doing zero parenting. Honestly all he's achieved is a son who thinks nothing of him and nothing of taking his cash. He has well and truly reaped (rept?) what he has sown. It's a shame for my son who just wanted a dad but is clearly now just thinking if he can't have that he'll take the cash.

Frusso · 09/02/2018 07:51

I'd say let him pay for something for once and try not to feel it's a dig at you. I would say it's not about lack of respect for you from dd (or ds) but more about them getting something, anything, from ex. it doesn't mean they respect him; it means they're using him.

notwantingtooutmyself1 · 09/02/2018 07:58

I geniuinely dont get this 'rite of passage' thing. It's the modern equivalent of school disco at the end of the school year. It's just a dress for a party, I had no input into DD's prom dress at all, she chose it and I paid for it. XH doesn't pay for anything - I'd be delighted for DCs if he did.

And to those who say your DD is using him, or that they'll love you more, thats really sad. Hopefully your children will love and respect both their parents.

GeorgeTheHamster · 09/02/2018 08:01

Ouch.

I agree that a trip for the two of you before hand to suss things out is the way to go. You do the choosing, he can do the paying.

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 09/02/2018 08:07

Please, please do not convey your bitterness about your ex to your children. I grew up with that. It’s horribly destructive and unfair. They didn’t ask to be born, the failure of your relationship and your ex’s behaviour are not their fault. I absolutely understand why this hurts your feelings, but you need to find a better outlet for that than projecting your resentment into your children.

AgainPlease · 09/02/2018 08:08

I have to agree with @ChampagneSocialist1, you'd be getting an absolute wedge with 5 DC and him earning £250k a year. You'd be getting basic cm + another £1600 a month (according to cms calculator)

As you're a low earner I guess you also receive income support?

But that's all beside the point. I'd be pretty happy that your ex is paying for stuff your dc need. I know it hurts, but trust me your dd and ds still love you!

Shedmicehugh · 09/02/2018 08:11

Your problem is with your ex, not your DD

rookiemere · 09/02/2018 08:14

I can see why you're upset , but please don't do what some have suggested and ask to go along too. It would make the whole thing awkward and spoil your DDs enjoyment of the occasion.

At the end of the day, it's a prom dress not a wedding dress, so you have to let it go. I'm sure your DCs understand that swooping in for the glory moments when he can flash the cash is nothing compared to years of constant care - and if they don't now, they will in a few years time.

Dairymilkmuncher · 09/02/2018 08:17

It can be hard being the daughter in this situation but try and not get bitter and ruin the special times like prom of moving out for her.

Remember when she's a mum and looking back at her relationships she won't be thinking oh how lovely my loaded DF spent cash on a dress for my prom, she'll be realising the struggle you had raising her and all those mornings brushing her hair, potty training her and making her brush her teeth and that is what she is going to appreciate the most.

Teenagers rarely have that prospective so young and the adults that don't tend to be the ones with bitter parents

honeylulu · 09/02/2018 08:17

I'm guessing as barristers are technically self employed this is how he gets away with minimal maintenance, but still has cash to flash around. That would piss me off.

Teenagers are dazzled by money and thoughtless by nature (generally). It doesn't mean they don't respect you. In time they will appreciate you and hopefully see their father as the shallow flash Harry he is.

MagicFajita · 09/02/2018 08:25

Let it go op.

My ex is the same kind of character (minus the high wage) , I struggled for years too.and saw him splash cash while I repaid marital debts and recovered from his financial abuse.

Whenever he whips out his credit card and buys them something I just think "too bloody right"!

Seriously , let it go. The anger only hurts you.

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