to want to tell DD to sod off?

[wtf2015]

So single mother with 5DC, ex has remarried and has a new baby. He is very successful in his career and is earns £250k a year. I earn 20k, I’ve given up my career to bring up children and have enjoyed it with few regrets. I have made huge sacrifices, personally and professionally whereas my ex is a selfish bastard. My dc recognise this but have learnt to accept how he is as he will never change. DD is in year 11 and has just announced that she is going prom dress shopping with her step mother as ex has offered to pay for it. The penny has just dropped that this is the same as when my son left for uni and my ex and step mother took him down to halls as they’d offered to take him buy all his bedding from the white company. FFS my ds and now my dd have no respect for me and I’ve given up so much for them.

Picking out the dress beforehand so the ex just pays as suggested is a good idea

Inertia

Excellent idea. You can even tell her your plan first. And chose shoes as well - and earrings!

Your daughter won't be thinking of it as a special rite of passage mum and daughter time though; it'll just be shopping to her. Having a pre shop just the two of you is a good idea.

Your husband sounds like a dick though.

Sorry, ex husband of course.

You could also shop online first with her, maybe if she sees things she loves could forward details to her Dad for payment? Otherwise all the girls end up in the same, locally bought, dress.

Another in support of Inertia’s idea: pre- shopping trip - great fun

Did you expect your dc to tell their father to shove off when he offers to pay for things that benefit them? If so then you are being unreasonable - you want to tell your DD to 'sod off' - why? What has she done wrong? they shouldn't have to take on your feelings of resentment.

I completely see why you are upset OP.

Think the idea of shopping without buying is great. Have a lovely day, pick out a shortlist of dresses etc. and then let her off with the step mother who has access to dad's money.

Do they disrespect you though? Getting money from their Dad is not a sign of that, it's normal!

Did you offer to take her shopping? I can understand why you are upset...shopping with dads money is easy because he can afford it but you don’t earn as much. Can you maybe offer to pay for her hair or makeup to be done and take her for that?

Your ex sounds a lot like my Father, I think I understand where your coming from. I’d love to say that your kids will realise and appreciate your sacrifices but watching my siblings as adults I don’t think that’s always true. My Df was also able to retire early and can spend a lot of time with his adult kids and now grandkids. My mum is still working long hours and just can’t always catch up.

It’s probably not helpful but YANBU and it is shitty

You really wanna fork out £100's for a prom dress???

She isn't letting her Dad pay for it as a sign of disrespect to you unless there's a drip feed of a conversation about it. He's preyed to pay, she's accepted, you don't have to find £100's that you can better spend elsewhere.

Agree with PP, offer to tAke her to try some on if you feel its some important rite of passage

The U.K. is really becoming Americanized with the High school Prom. When did this start? (I left 45 yrs ago).

FFS my ds and now my dd have no respect for me and I’ve given up so much for them.

This doesn't make any sense. Why do they have no respect for you simply because their father is putting his hand in his pocket?

Why would you want to tell your dd to sod off? How unpleasant. Why shouldn't her dad pay for stuff?

I bet she bit his hand off purely because she thinks a) it will save you money, b) she will be able to get a more expensive dress, and c) you've done so much of the hard work, why the fuck SHOULDN'T Dad step up and put his hand in his pocket?

I've been in a similar situation regarding the father of my eldest, and she's had no compunction in partaking of his occasional gestures of lordly generosity (paid-for flights to his new country of residence, skiing trips with the school because he's a keen skier himself etc etc). It certainly doesn't mean that she was being disrespectful towards me, or even selfish- it's far more that she recognises his contribution has been absolutely minimal, and she thinks he bloody well SHOULD stump up. And I agree with her.

To be honest it does make more sense. He has presumably offered to buy her a dress and given his wage should have a good budget to her a dress she likes. The step Mum is a bit of a red herring really. I’m a step mum and go to all sorts of things with DP and step children because we do stuff together as a family. It’s not about me trying to be a Mum, it’s about our family unit. For what it’s worth my parents are happily married and my dad took me to buy a formal dress (in Aus so no proms, but formal is similar). We had some nice Dad/daughter time and got lunch together afterwards.

From now on ..... Anytime your dc want something tell them to ask their dad ..... if he is happy to flash the cash they should take advantage of it.

Did you ever speak to your son about why he accepted a lift to Halls from them? Because I don't know any teenage boys who'd be especially swayed by White Company bedding. Surely he just thought it would save you the drive?

And another thing: don't underestimate the lure of attention from the absent parent for children of de facto one-parent families. We shouldn't begrudge them the experience, and we certainly shouldn't make them feel guilty or 'disrespectful' for wanting it.

It doesn't lessen your role in any way, nor does it mean they don't appreciate and love you.

Got to agree with the majority, to be honest.
Dad has come up with a magnificent gesture and she's gone "why not, eh?" He IS her dad after all, despite you being the one who has done almost everything for them.

I agree with the suggestion that you should do some pre-looking with your DD so you get the fun of dress choosing with her, but then she goes out with stepma and spends dad's cash. Win win situation.

You're being a bit martyrish about this situation, I think - turn it to your advantage instead.

Oh BoF I get what you're saying but....
It would still hurt wouldn't it, DD going prom dress shopping with the step Mum and the ex is paying.
It would gut me if I couldn't afford to say I would take her and pay for it.
I doubt the son even realised or cared they'd paid for bedding, what young man gives one about bedding when he's 18 and going to Uni?
But a DD is different.
OP, can you not go and look at dresses she likes and she can choose from them and let her Dad know what she'd like?

I think it is your ex who probably has no respect for you, not your children.

I think looking at prom dresses with your DD beforehand so that ex and stepmum pay sounds best if, for you, it is a mother-daughter rite of passage. Though my family don't do shopping as a sociable thing like that, so I might not be best placed to comment really.

Don't get angry and bitter over her prom dress and spoil it for her. Let her enjoy it. It is a special occasion that will only happen once. Maybe she does think she is saving you, because why shouldn't Dad step up for once?