to want to tell DD to sod off?

[wtf2015]

So single mother with 5DC, ex has remarried and has a new baby. He is very successful in his career and is earns £250k a year. I earn 20k, I’ve given up my career to bring up children and have enjoyed it with few regrets. I have made huge sacrifices, personally and professionally whereas my ex is a selfish bastard. My dc recognise this but have learnt to accept how he is as he will never change. DD is in year 11 and has just announced that she is going prom dress shopping with her step mother as ex has offered to pay for it. The penny has just dropped that this is the same as when my son left for uni and my ex and step mother took him down to halls as they’d offered to take him buy all his bedding from the white company. FFS my ds and now my dd have no respect for me and I’ve given up so much for them.

She's doing you a favour. Prom dresses can cost a fortune. Make sure she gets shoes, bag and accessories while they're out too.

^^This. OP I get that you are upset, I really do. But DD knows that you aren't rolling in money and was probably worried about asking you to pay for this. Her dad otoh has plenty of money and is happy to put his credit card at her disposal so it solves that problem, he can't even be arsed to go himself (which DD will have clocked anyway).

But in the nicest possibly way yabu, and you need to be prepared for first car etc because this isn't the last time he'll flash the cash but she'll see through it.

Jealousy occurred to me too. I also think your anger is misdirected. Not blaming you, OP; your situation isn't at all fair.

When she's older she will realise OP. I promise you. My father was the same. Now I'm older, I realise exactly what my mother did for me, dispite my father and I have so much respect for her and how she managed to put aside her feelings in order for me to have a good childhood. I'm NC with my selfish father, my choice.

I can see why you would be upset, you want the memory too, I agree they probably don't respect you any less they are probably just wanting the money and the labels.

I don't think you are being precious OP. Its human to feel the way you are.

I'd be jealous too op but I'd snap out of it pronto and be advising my dd to buy the whole outfit plus accessories if her dad is going to pay for it. I'd get the laptop out, open it out on coast and browse dresses and accessories with my dd. Then she can go out with her step mum to pay for what you both have already browsed through and chosen.

Don't let your bitterness turn your dd against you. Use this as an opportunity to bring you closer together. Browse the internet for dresses, go window shopping and try things on with her. Then your ex and his wife can pick up the hefty bill afterwards.

I wouldn't do the pre-shopping thing and I wouldn't do the chat either.

This is meant to be a happy special time for your DD, I get you're upset that you don't have the funds to go shopping for the dress and that DD's DF is being a Disney Dad, but none of that is your DD's fault. She's 16, she just wants to wear a nice dress and have a happy time, just like the rest of her friends. Don't make it into a power play or an opportunity to tell her how rubbish her DF is, let her have her prom night with her swishy dress - tell her how pretty she looks and then have a few glasses of wine once she's headed out the door for the evening ( unless of course you're on pick-up duty as I'd imagine Disney Dad's largesse may not extend to actual practical arrangements) .

She will realise OP in the future just how things are, but I believe she'll understand more thoroughly by reaching that conclusion herself rather than you pointing it out to her.

I think it would be beyond cruel to guilt her about her dad paying for this. If he is as crap as you say, don't you think she's noticed by now? She's looking for crumbs from him, and it's pretty mean that your reaction is that SHE'S the problem.

If between them they are dumb enough to think that White Company sheets are the 'in thing' with teenage boys, then they're not going to cover themselves in glory through the years.

I get that it sucks to have this moment taken from you by money, but I would honestly steer clear of any advice that comes close to saying that you should share that with your daughter. This isn't her fault.

Teenagers are usually completely self-obsessed and she will have no idea how this has upset you. None of this is her fault so try not to spoil it for her. Put on a happy face and make a little effigy of ex-H and stick pins in it.

Of course she shouldn't say anything to her daughter! The daughter has enough on her plate with separated parents/largely absent father, and it's not her fault he has money and her mum doesn't. The DD will be well aware that her mum has a limited income/5 kids to fund, without having to worry about the costs involved in prom anyway (which is another story entirely, considering she won't give a shit about prom a year from now, never mind in the future).

Please don't blame your DD. This is not her fault. She's a teen. It may be a while before she understand but she will, I'm sure, look back and appreciate who did all the hard slog bringing her up (maybe not until she has her own DC) Let her have a wonderful time at her prom.

I think a pre-shopping trip is a great idea, have a really nice day out, just the two of you, secure in the knowledge that she can have whatever dress she wants with her Dad's cash! (It took my DD more than one trip to make her mind up anyway!)

My step mum bought my “prom” dress for me. It wasn’t a rite of passage for me, as this prom wasn’t a big deal. She asked, my mum didn’t. Did you ask your daughter? Is it really a big thing to you or your daughter or are you buying into some sort of American tv show idea that it’s a big thing? I wouldn’t go shopping beforehand so they only had to buy it - the stepmum and DD are doing this and I don’t think it’d be nice to undermine it. Why don’t you ask her out to lunch or something else that might be fun to do together whatever that is: massage or maybe indoor climbing lesson etc instead. My dad had more money but my mum didn’t say anything except that I looked nice. I have a v young DD now and i’m married to her father but if this situation arose I probably would feel jealous but I’d try to do the same and suck it up without letting her know. The most important thing to me is her comfort and happiness. I don’t need to get recognition for sacrifices - she didn’t ask to be born I wanted her so anything I give up for her is on me. It is important she doesn’t actively disrespect me or my husband (beyond teen standard and I look at my history here 😱!) but I don’t think what you’ve said is disrespectful as I would understand it

I would mentally want to tell her to sod off. But I wouldn't of course, because I would reason that as a teenager she is self absorbed and won't have thought about it and the effect on you, and because maybe she is seeing it as a chance to spend time with her dad. You might well know him to be a dick-but she either hasn't worked that out yet or knows but still wants to spend time with him.
As pp said when she's an adult, probably when she has kids of her own she will think back and realise just who was the more valuable to her. One prom dress does not a parent make.
But yes I can see why you feel hurt. And I would too... but you have to keep it under wraps for now (and spend any money you would have spent on it on yourself )

I actually do totally get this OP.

I would be telling my kid straight that this isn’t on. I would be telling them I am hurt, that this was something I looked forward to, that it means a lot to you to do this with her.

She is old enough to start seeing you as her main carer and therefore worth first consideration when it comes to those proud and special moments. She won’t know any better unless you tell her. She’s immature and her Dads got in there first even though it sounds like he’s done very little in bringing her up.

We must show our kids we are not doormats.

I’ve felt like the donkey too - I get to do the every day, the homework, the illnesses, the nagging to brush teeth... have my son 90% of the time. I realised with a shock recently that I was being such a martyr - letting my useless Ex have him most Christmases and birthdays, getting the cream of parenthood without all the slog that goes with it.

I would be telling my kid straight that this isn’t on

Why? Why put a guilt trip on the child because they want to do something with the other parent?

Ifs sad to be so resentful of being the main carer, part of being a parent is parenting the children which is surely a known. They shouldn't have to be grateful for their parents caring for them, it's a basic.

For some Mums this is as important an occasion as choosing a wedding dress.

Firstly I think that's nonsense , and secondly when your children have important events (and I dont think a prom is important) it isnt about what the Mum wants to do, it should be all about the person whose event it is. If DD is happy, that is the only thing that matters.

the prom is about the daughter, not the mother.

Anyone who tries to guilt their daughter about this is in my opinion emotionally manipulative.

Absolutely agree with notwanting

I've not read comments so sorry if already suggested, but what I'd do is... plan a lovely day with daughter go looking at prom dresses accessories etc, have lunch together. Then when she knows what she wants she can just happen to find it with stepmum but you and her had secretly already picked it all out. Also get her to get them to get her hair and make up done too for the night. But have them arrange someone to come to yours to do it. Best of both worlds! minted Dad gets the bill, step Mum feels important and you and daughter get to plan it all and enjoy it all.

I feel sad that your DD can't go dress shopping with her friends

I agree with the idea of having a window shopping spree beforehand.

Wintertime you are spot on. Donkey sums it up.

Anyone who tries to guilt their daughter about this is in my opinion emotionally manipulative.

Quite right. Have a look at the 'relationships' board OP - it is full of sad, resentful adult children who are withdrawing from a parent because they are tired of being guilt-tripped about the 'huge sacrifices' the parent made and how much was 'given up for them'. Surely you don't want to become that parent?

@Shedmicehugh

If you feel like a donkey op, perhaps it is for you to up your profile with your dd and learn from this experience. I get that you must get very little time for you or to think about this being a single parent. However, blaming the child when you yourself have not spoken to her and perhaps not taught her to value you is unfair. As parents, we should not carry on like martyrs. It is important to teach our children compassion for us and that we are people in our own right, not completely submerged into the role of mum.

Mummyoflittledragon- yes. You’re absolutely spot on.

youngnomore
This is exactly what I tried to convey to my mother. I learnt a long time ago how not to parent from her as she is a narcissistic martyr “I did everything for you kids”. This somehow means I should be eternally grateful for her sacrifice even though “everything” included abusing me, not treating me like my brothers equal or keeping me safe from his physical, verbal and sexual abuse. The sexual stuff didn’t include touching me thank goodness as it was designed to completely obliterate my existence.