to want to tell DD to sod off?

[wtf2015]

So single mother with 5DC, ex has remarried and has a new baby. He is very successful in his career and is earns £250k a year. I earn 20k, I’ve given up my career to bring up children and have enjoyed it with few regrets. I have made huge sacrifices, personally and professionally whereas my ex is a selfish bastard. My dc recognise this but have learnt to accept how he is as he will never change. DD is in year 11 and has just announced that she is going prom dress shopping with her step mother as ex has offered to pay for it. The penny has just dropped that this is the same as when my son left for uni and my ex and step mother took him down to halls as they’d offered to take him buy all his bedding from the white company. FFS my ds and now my dd have no respect for me and I’ve given up so much for them.

Chat to daughter tell her a little bit about how you feel. Hatch a plan to preshop (excellent idea inertia).

I totally get you op, very hurtful from your dd.
But if it helps, my biological father was an abusive violent man who happened to be very wealthy. His idea of parenting was to take us shopping once a year, and bung a cheque in the post at Christmas whilst leaving my mother penniless. It didn't take us long to cotton on, none of us accepted his money after the first year and as adults are completely non contact.
Now your ex seems like he's a involved father so a different situation but what I mean is that she will see through him if money is all he's good to her for. But likewise if he's a good father it is a nice gesture, hurtful to you but nice all the same so this time maybe do something different as a prom treat.
Remember The day to day drudge, the food, the little jokes over crap tv, the simple cups of tea and chat, these are what matter not money and your dd knows that.

So you bring up the kids do all the hard stuff and then rich daddy swoops in at the important moments to take the glory when he doesn't give a shit otherwise. I understand it's not easy.

I'd go window shopping for dress week before with dd (have a special day) so when she goes with stepmother it's a matter of simply picking chosen dress off hanger and handing over credit card.

Let them pay for the dress. You pay for the hair nails and make up?

I know the feeling OP, similar position to you. No maintenance payments, my ex would move around, various new GF’s etc, barely saw my son etc. I sat stuffing envelopes at Christmas until the early hours for some extra cash, cleaned toilets, went without etc. Once my son turned 18 my ex started to show an interest in him! My ex has paid for his own house, has expensive hobbies, flashes his cash (not in my son’s direction)

Now the sun shines out of my ex’s arsehole! On my son’s 21st he took his dad and his gf out for a meal (never taken me out for a meal!) spends Christmas Day with his dad etc, etc.

I do think it has something to do with feeling the need to impress his dad, as he wasn’t around. Also maybe I didn’t give the best example, going without etc as he seems to think i don’t need anything!

My son doesn’t live at home anymore, I barely see him. He visits his dad often! It’s hurtful

Please don’t make your children feel guilty when their father buys them things. He is , after all , their dear father. You must have thought he was ok once too if you married him and had 5 children with him.
If you look on your children as “ sacrifices you have made “ they will pick up on your resentment.
Can you pick up your old career ? Do something you really want to do for yourself ?

I know how you feel!
When I call my DD's mobile a picture of a love heart is beside my number, my Mum has a bunch of flowers, her Dad... a credit card. She's 20 now and she knows that her Dad uses money instead of making an effort and she knows what I've done in her life. Serves him right.
Your DD will see it too one day!
I would have loved to skip prom dress shopping btw. My idea of hell haha.

My ex does this. Nowhere to be found for the boring stuff but will cheerfully swoop in for the high status things. I have done all the parents evenings for fucking years, even when we were together he showed no interest. Then one DD showed signs of being on the road to Oxbridge and suddenly he wanted to be a parents evenings. No interest in the other two at the same school until recently when second DD was enrolled into the G&T program.

Its not the money, its not the time, its the thinking behind it that massively pisses me off. He leaves the unpaid staff to do the donkey work of bringing up his kids and 4 days a month he gets to play Disney Dad and occasionally look like father of the year in front of other people.

Its easy - do a pre shop. Ie do the shopping and make the decision then let her go with others to pay - best of both worlds.

He is dangling the carrot and your daughter knowing she won't get alot out of him is taking him for what she can - don't let it bother you thats what he wants. Do the clothes, accessories etc and then let her go with them to buy

Pyong - this is where you train the teacher to say "and who exactly are you" when he turns up!!! Always worth being on good side of teachers...

Do remember that some kids more than others feel the need to push away from their parents during their teens. It might be that she does recognise the sacrifices you've made to the extent that it makes her uncomfortable because she can never repay you, and this is just her clumsy 16 year old way of removing herself from the situation.
It might just be easier for her to accept big gifts from her dad because the money is a drop in the ocean to him, so not necessarily a sacrifice in the way it would be for you, and she might feel that the balance is more equal in that he 'owes' her for not having been the resident parent (not meaning to make any parents in similar situations feel bad - the OP does say he's a selfish bastard). Whereas taking more from you and more of your time just adds to everything she's well aware you've done for her. Or even just spending time in your company may remind her of this, for now.

It's not a very adult way of thinking, to frame the relationship in terms of repayment, as if could even be possible and as if non-repayment is somehow a failure on her part, but she's still young. Some teens do struggle very much with the idea of not being on an 'even par' with adults, in terms of what they can put into the relationship, as this means that they will always be 'in debt' to someone who they currently don't maybe feel that warm towards (raging hormones!). Might take some time for them to realise that this is just the normal parent-child order and the debtor-debtee relationship doesn't apply here.
Just an interpretation, may all be irrelevant.

I also would try not to let one DC's thoughtlessness add to another's so that your overall judgement lands all on one head. They are individuals and it's not her fault that her brother has let himself be bribed before, especially given that he was older than she is now. She'll probably resent being lumped in with him and is likely to focus on that as an example of how you're 'overreacting' (not saying you are) instead of trying to understand you. At the same time, I suppose it wouldn't be bad for her to realise that this is how people do react to things (e.g. reacting to 'the last straw' instead of being able to compartmentalise) and that she won't have the luxury of dealing with people, e.g. in her professional life, who just treat her purely as an individual later on...

I would have a short, calm talk with her. There's nothing wrong with making her aware of your feelings and indeed she should know if something is upsetting you. You're not just there to be a shelter for her, you are a person in your own right. She might then be able to reassure you and maybe work out a compromise e.g. like someone above suggested, getting ready with you on the night. Sorry you're upset, OP. Respect is very rarely allocated fairly, but I'm sure DD will become aware of how much she admires you as she gets older.

RB68 Sadly, due to the size of the school and it being secondary, most of the teachers dont know who I am let alone him. Would have worked at primary though :o

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much. My dad flashed the cash, my mum brought me up. I loved my dad as he was also a good father but my mum is my world - him buying me flash things didn't take that away for a minute.

As the dd if seletated parents, I always felt so worried about pudding off one or the other. It ruined so many events in my life when I was younger, birthday parties, graduation, my wedding my DDs christenings, their birthdays. I have memories of sheer anxiety of trying to please both of them and not upset anyone.

Please don’t feel angry towards your DD.
I expect the step Mum asked before you did, If you’d asked her first, she would have gone with you. It is NOT her fault.

I agree with the pre-shopping thing. And please don't get angry at your daughter for this. She is young and prom dresses are important to them, you can't blame her for opting for the bigger budget option, it doesn't mean she loves you less or doesn't value you as a mum. Don't make this into something that comes between you two.

Incidentally my DDs did the prom dress shopping with their mates, we gave them the cash and off they went. So if she wasn't going with her dad she still might not be going with you, she might just be going with dad and stepmum because they made it a condition of paying for it?

Could you host the pre-prom drinks/party and photos or whatever goes on at your DCs school? That is a real rite of passage round here, much more so than choosing the dress.

*of seperated parents

It’s a prom dress. I think you are being a tad sensitive here. You have 2 choices: 1. buy the prom dress yourself for the experience or 2. Do some other bonding with your child and let your ExH pay the £100 for some pink taffeta monstrosity that we all loved at 16.

Do you think ExH should give you money so you can buy the prom dress? What is the alternative that you want?

Why not take your DD for a manicure before prom, or do her hair for her?

It isn’t like this is wedding dress shopping. You are being fairly precious here.

wtf2015 my ex does this with our three adult children too - but please please be assured that your daughter (and other children) will recognise that its you who does everything for her but shes just got swept up in the prom madness - maybe shes also thinking of you in an obscure way. Think of it this way, at least you wont have to fork out £300 for a dress she will wear once, she will feel gorgeous and your ex can foot the bill!

I think velourvoyageur makes a excellent point about not just being your child’s ‘shelter’ and you having feelings and are a person in your own right.

This was exactly my mistake, I tried to ‘shelter’ my children, hide my feelings, be the strong one etc. I thought my children would see for themselves as they grew. Seems to have backfired on me! My now adult children, seem to think I am some kind of robot, who doesn’t have feelings which can be hurt!

Definitely have a calm chat

I also think you are looking at prom dress shopping as this massive, mother/daughter right of passage. It’s not a known ‘thing’.

Proms were a massive deal in my school. I don’t know anyone that went prom dress shopping with a parent. Everyone went with their group of friends. Frankly I would have a hard time even remembering what shop I bought my dress and hi I was with.

You need to stop looking at this as a zero sum game. Her going prom dress shopping isn’t taking away anything from you. You can still go have wonderful, bonding experiences with her that don’t revolve around so much money. The night before, you can watch a film about prom (Pretty in Pink or Never Been Kissed etc) and you can do her nails for her.

The more people who love and care for your daughter is a good thing. They aren’t ‘taking’ anything from you.

For some Mums this is as important an occasion as choosing a wedding dress. If it wasn't about flashing the cash, Dad would be saying to his daughter to pick a dress with her Mum and he would pay for it. I wonder what mumsnet's response would be if this was about a wedding dress. I understand your frustration OP. Been there - got the t-shirt. At best it's thoughtlessness at worst it's alienation.

I think you're reading far too much into this and letting your own insecurities take over your judgement. Maybe DD is a bit selfish not to think of you going with her, but shes what, 16? Thats par for the course. And I imagine she thinking of your budget for a dress and then the promised budget from rich daddy. Of course shes going to go with the more expensive dress, its prom! A huge deal to her.

It really does not mean she loves you any less. Do you get on at all with the stepmum? I also have 5dc and I get no maintenance or child support from ex and I earn less than 20000. If my ex said he was taking dd shopping for an expensive prom dress I'd actually be over the moon, regardless of how much of a wanker he was. Because it would make my daughter so happy to be able to to wear something that I couldnt afford in a million years.

I get it feels like he is perhaps rubbing it in your face, but so what. The important thing here is your daughter gets this dress and you should 100% tell her how beautiful she looks in it and don't for one second make her feel guilty for letting her dad pay.

Its a pain in the ass. I know how you feel, my ex had to be forced to pay for his kids despite his luxury lifestyle. Everytime the CSA gave him a figure he'd argue it, or put his pension payments up or something.

Now my kids are almost grown he's Lord Bountiful.... treating them here there and everywhere.

Thing is, I didn't need to say anything (and I'm so glad I kept my mouth shut all those years). They know what he's like, and take it, say thanks politely and then smile at me lol

You financial details make no sense. If you have five dc and earn £20k you receive £1300 a month tax credits plus child benefit plus £1500 maintenance plus your wages,plus hb if you rent.

Why is this your daughter's fault? You want to tell her to sod off? Maybe she doesn't want to go shopping with someone who resents her so much?!

It's only a prom dress. It isn't important. You will get the most important experiences, like wedding dress shopping.

Your anger is misdirected. Instead of being annoyed with your daughter you need to address your jealousy of your ex's lifestyle/income. It's not her fault he can afford to do this for her. See it as a good thing, she can have a really nice dress and you don't have to pay for it!