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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd "fat shaming" me.

422 replies

Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 13:13

So I know I'm not small. I'm a size 16 (was a 12 before having my youngest) however dd has started "fat shaming" me. She's 6 and will say stuff like "why are you big and fat" infact she decided to say that in a shop yesterday infront of everyone. Also "whys your belly so fat" aibu in thinking this is normal stuff for a 6 yo to say? Or is it? Needless to say it's promoted the diet!

OP posts:
SweetMoon · 08/02/2018 16:11

Why is talking about fat rude though, you either are or you aren't.

I dont get this either. Some people are fat and some people are skinny.

I think its because fat people get upset at being called fat because they don't want to be fat? So they say its rude to call someone fat?

Its rude if its said maliciously to hurt someones feelings but I don't see it rude to just point out a fact.

BatshitTrain · 08/02/2018 16:11

Yes it is. You are overweight. You had a great opportunity to talk to your daughter about what's healthy and what's not, and what is polite to talk about in public and what's not.
Do you really not see that?

Aridane · 08/02/2018 16:13

Of course it’s rude to say someone is fat - it’s not like saying they have brown hair!

Lethaldrizzle · 08/02/2018 16:14

She's just saying what she's sees. I'm not fat but had a post baby tummy. My kids have been known to prod it and say why is it so soft. Likewise they do the same to their fathers belly! I think its a good thing. Keeps us on our toes!

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2018 16:15

@Bluntness100 Thu 08-Feb-18 16:06:11
Why is talking about fat rude though, you either are or you aren't.

'Fat' conveys something negative, a disgust. I think. Where as heavy or overweight (over the average weight or over a healthy weight) convey just a fact.

"Why lets all pretend it's not true and never mention it?" No one said you cannot talk about someone being overweight. Doctors might, our loved ones might. This might help the overweight person.

"I genuinely don't understand this. Isn't it enabling it. I'm not talking about using it as an insult. But talking about fat should not be perceived as rude and it certainly should not be perceived as rude if your own child questions you on it." The trouble is that the use of the word 'fat' is actually very unhelpful, IMHO.

Fat shaming doesn't work. People would be better to think of health and healthy eating, and if a child showed a genuine concern for a parent's health this may help a parent to lose wight. But the reasons people are overweight are so very complex that it may well not.

That's my humble opinion as someone who overeats and has an eating disorder. It's very complex. Language that makes larger people feel embarrassed rarely helps. Clearly this is the language as the OP perceives it as she has said "Dd "fat shaming" me".

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2018 16:15

I also can’t believe you lie about why your dad in a wheelchair. I never lied to dd (9) about her now deceased grandpa. She doesn’t really remember when he wasn’t in one.

Part of being a parent is telling children that death is a part of life. My father died when I was an older child. Over the years, my parents told me very little and tried to hide his illnesses from me. Some parents excuse hiding illness from their kids as protecting them but as far as I can see it is actually parents protecting themselves from the questions and upset. Dd took her grandfathers death in her stride because she was prepared, unlike me when my father died.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 16:15

It's different and I feel a bit sorry that you can't see that.

You're not lying to protect your children or to do something nice for them - you're lying because you don't want to face the truth

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 16:18

9 is very different to 3, 5 and 6 it's hardly abusive so calm down! "I can't believe you lied" crazy...

OP posts:
Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 16:19

I'm perfectly calm. You seem incapable of self reflection.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 16:19

Yes I was protecting them interpret how you want, like isaid I don't know anyone IRL who would go into graphic detail. And tell me exactly how it's different from telling a child a pet that has died went to live on a farm?

OP posts:
Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 16:20

I don't know why you'd lie at any age. It's nonsense.

You just tell the children the truth in an age appropriate way.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 16:21

Who said anything about graphic detail? Are you actually reading the posts correctly?

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 16:22

Ok.

OP posts:
Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 16:22

Your mum was also wrong for telling you your pet went to live on a farm.

Did she think you didn't know that all living things die?

Although if you've had a poor example set to you it's no wonder you're following it

BatshitTrain · 08/02/2018 16:22

My DC are 6, and I've explained to them we don't comment on people because it's rude, they understood.

you're lying because you don't want to face the truth I think this has the ring of truth about it.

OP talk to her, be truthful.

BatshitTrain · 08/02/2018 16:24

Also, my Grandmother just had a stroke, the DC know she can't move her arm now because she got sick.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/02/2018 16:26

And tell me exactly how it's different from telling a child a pet that has died went to live on a farm?

People don't do that anymore, do they?

WitchesHatRim · 08/02/2018 16:30

Its rude if its said maliciously to hurt someones feelings but I don't see it rude to just point out a fact.

So it's ok to say someone is to skinny, or got a big nose or fat lips etc after all, it's just pointing out fact. Hmm

BatshitTrain · 08/02/2018 16:32

You don't need to go into graphic details, just child appropriate facts.

Elocutioner · 08/02/2018 16:33

Yes it's fine

misscheery · 08/02/2018 16:33

Not normal. Ever. And she needs to learn that now, before she starts calling other people fat. In fact, perhaps exaggerated but she could easily turn into a bully at some point.

You need to have a chat with her and explain how you feel, and that you feel hurt

BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2018 16:35

Do you know what the most horrible thing about this thread is? The amount of (presumably) women rushing in to say "well you are overweight". Far far meaner than the six year old.

The OP has repeatedly said she's just had a baby, she's breastfeeding, she's starting to watch what she eats, she realises she could do with losing some weight and is getting her head round that. She also came on this thread to ask advice about her DD, not her weight.

Yet still lots of you can't resist rushing on to comment on her BMI or dress size, forcing her to defend herself. Nasty.

Basseting · 08/02/2018 16:35

Ach, kids say what they see.

I am overweight. If my dc's commented on it I would cheerfully say:

'Yes I am a bit arent I? I wasnt when I was younger before my operations. People come in all shapes and sizes but it is nice when your body works for you' and give a big smile.

It is a non issue. They understand people come in all shapes and sizes and no longer comment. I emphasize that a 'working body' is useful (not essential) and that is what matters about it.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 16:37

I thought I had said it in a child friendly way. I didn't say he isn't really in a wheel chair he can walk but his chair just has wheel or a wicked queen put a spell on him. He hurt he's legs is hardly a wild lie. A stroke or heart attack would mean nothing to them as they don't know what that is. Anyway sorry my explanation to my kids wasn't good enough by mumsnet standards please forgive me mumsnet. Hmm

OP posts:
BrimFire · 08/02/2018 16:39

I work by the 5 minute rule - that's it rude to pint out something that can't be fixed in 5 minutes. So weight ,height etc rude. Something on your face, bogey up your nose, not rude.

Lying about stuff is ridiculous. The truth however hard is much easier to handle and gives both parties a bit of respect. Doesn't matter how old they are.