Dd "fat shaming" me.

[Dancingfairy]

So I know I'm not small. I'm a size 16 (was a 12 before having my youngest) however dd has started "fat shaming" me. She's 6 and will say stuff like "why are you big and fat" infact she decided to say that in a shop yesterday infront of everyone. Also "whys your belly so fat" aibu in thinking this is normal stuff for a 6 yo to say? Or is it? Needless to say it's promoted the diet!

DS's teacher is mixed race and one of his friends mums insists on telling her ds this is because she has been on holiday and got a tan. There 8 those no need to lie, one day its going to backfire and hes going to be accused of being racist.
I can see a similar outcome for your dd if you keep lying to her because shes not going to understand and one day may be accused of actually 'fat shaming'.

It's interesting , a shit ton of people have posted their dress size or weight levels on this thread, but the only ones getting their arses handed to them are the slim ones.

It's like you're only allowed to mention it if you're overweight. But if you're not you should not present the other side in case, in case that too upsets the op that there are thin people responding.

It's really gone too far.

Wow that's totally different saying someone who is mixed just has a tan . There's nothing shameful or embarrassing about being mixed race. Lots of people feel embarrassed about being over weight

I'm fat. So when DD asked why I'm fat,i told her the truth. Because I don't eat healthy food and vegetables.
When she shouted out loud in a full public toilet if i need to change my nappy,she wasn't period shaming me.
We have talked though about what's acceptable to comment on and what isn't,especially when it comes to other people. That whole mummy doesn't mind,other people might and could be very hurt by it. That she can ask me anything she wants to know,but commenting on other people is not nice.

@Bluntness100

The word 'fat is pejorative and often turns us heavier people off wanting to talk about the subject. So I am not against talking about weight or issues but here are the basics....

fat and other words like tubby, chubby, and, I could go on, are likely to switch the overweight person off from seriously engaging.

"The reason I disagree is because I believe there should be more conversations about weight and being fat. I think society pushing us into never mentioning it to the person, so they don't get upset, isn't helpful. We know they are fat. They know they are fat"

So why is pushing them into talking about it helpful?

I think loved ones, including children do have a right to discuss it. Even friends, but it needs to be done very VERY sensitively.

At the school gate - No
In front of onlookers - No
Using words that upset the person - No

I think doctors and medical people should be talking about this a lot more. I think they should be talking to their patients when a condition could be improved by weight loss.

"And as said, I'm not talking about random strangers, im talking about friends and family members who are unable to discuss it without being perceived as being rude."

Yes, I agree with you.

I've not read all the posts here and not sure what the OP's stance is, so would rather talk in general terms.

So to be clear, from my perspective, 'Fat' as opposed to heavy, bigger, larger, overweight etc is an unhelpful word.

How we talk about this sensitive issues is important, as is where and in front of whom.

IMHO.

Plus the reason people overeat is literally (excuse the phrase) a smorgasbord of reasons. Ignorance about food, for some, comfort and emotional eating, for others, compulsive eating, lazy eating, all kinds of reasons, and although some things will help some the reason and the mind set is important.

For many people who overweight it is not ignorance, we know a lot about food. There are so many reasons and it is not as simple as some think.

Anyway, must make dinner!

Well if I wS at the school gate and my period leaked and dd shouted what that red on your trousers no I wouldn't loudly announce to her it was my period. And then when she asks what a period is go into detail, there's a time and a place. I would say it was paint. You parent your way i'll parent my way.

Dancingfairy

Kids are extremely honest (unless they're about to get in trouble for something), honesty isn't always nice to hear though.

Maybe teach her to say "overweight" or "obese" or "more to love" instead of fat.

Is it really that different?
People shouldnt be ashamed or embarrased because of their race or their size however people are discriminated against and made to feel inferior because of both.
Why OP do you think long term its going to benefit you dd to not know the truth?
Yes we get you didnt feel comofrtable telling her in front of other people but why not tell her at now at home in private?

Maybe teach her to say "overweight" or "obese" or "more to love" instead of fat.

Fat is fat. A piece of mud in a sparkly wrapper doesn't become chocolate. It's still mud.

So why is pushing them into talking about it helpful

Because when we make it a taboo subject matter we do two things, we firstly make it appear shameful, like it's something so awful we can't discuss it, and we also collude in it, we pretend it's not there, if we don't mention it then we haven't noticed it. It's not shameful and we have noticed.

It's a fact of life for many people. Fat should not be seen as an insult but a statement of fact. This taboo we are developing, this collusion, isn't healthy as a society. I can't think of one other thing that impacts so many people visibly, where it's so completely taboo even their family members should not mention it to them.

This just cannot be a healthy approach to it.

It's interesting , a shit ton of people have posted their dress size or weight levels on this thread, but the only ones getting their arses handed to them are the slim ones.

Yep.

And it was someone else with their knickers in a twist that said I was agitated.

Ignoring it and saying it's ok is not helping. People need to stop and recognise that being overweight is not good or ok and to speak to their kids about it so they don't end up overweight and unhealthy.

And it was someone else with their knickers in a twist that said I was agitated.

You still seem pretty agitated to be honest.

Not at all, sorry to disappoint you.

I agree with you that people shouldn't be ashamed but I've actually had abuse in the street over it and I know people really despise fat people comments like "it's not right" for example. So it's hard not to feel ashamed. I avoid looking at myself in mirrors I know I'm overweight like I said in working on it.

Which is great OP, still not understanding why you dont think its best to tell your dd the truth about being overweight? (we get why you didnt do it at first)

Help your daughter understand it, that you are working on it because you want to be healthier and why it's important. Well done for doing something about it. People giving you abuse in the street are arseholes.

Sorry thats came across as rude, I meant it was great that you were working on your weight not that you have been abused over i, that is absolutely disgusting.

Well I'm sorry you had abuse, those are just arseholes and I'm sure you know the shame is theirs. As you said people should not be ashamed of being overweight, it's a simple fact of being.

Howver, I mean this gently, isn't that all the more reason to be honest with your child?

RebelRogue

Usually my sarcasm is only lost on fellow Americans. 😝

@NotAnotherEmma damn. You got me. More angry at myself for missing the sarcasm than i am for being fat. Priorities you know...

Was she just saying it in a matter of fact way? Maybe she's just stating a fact or asking a question without being aware of all the negativity associated with the word 'fat'. I want my children to love themselves whatever shape they end up being so have tried to not make a big deal about 'fat' equaling bad or undesirable. At the same time I've tried to teach them that it's not good to comment on appearances and some people can be upset by it.

....and also that if you eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full you will end up the shape you were made to be.

I will speak to her about it. I do want to explain the real reason I guess I was just mortified at first and didn't want to draw attention.

*Dancingfairy

It's called telling small children a child friendly version of something. I don't know anyone IRL who would go into graphic detail with children 6 and under about an accident someone had especially when they don't know what a stroke or heart attack is. It will worry them!*

I went into graphic details about my younger child needing a new heart to her older sister. Her sister was about 2 and I explained what was happening and how and she is fine, she feels pride that she knows what has happened and has empathy for the child who didn’t make it. I may seem drastic but I did dumb down the language to a more child friendly tone but she got told what happened. She was in the hospital everyday while her sister laid there connected to many machines whilst never moving, what else could I do? I told her the truth and she accepted it and has adjusted fine. She isn’t scarred and is very mature as a now four year old. I also explained death as it was a very real possibility. I have had to teach her not to shout out that every old person she says may die soon, but she isn’t scared and understands it’s aomething that happens. I’d rather not lie to children. They are more capable than we give them credit for. It’s not like I could lie to her sister that wears her scar and will forever. When she starts asking I’d have to tell her, or should I lie about that? She also knows where babies come from and how they get out.

Bold fail. Sorry.