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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I really intimidated by this ridiculous couple?

347 replies

smallishi · 08/02/2018 10:06

The ridiculous couple are my neighbours and the back story is that we have not been speaking for about 18 months because we objected to planning permission for their extension, and honestly had good reason to. They had to make a very slight/small change but their extension is going ahead which is fine with us. We no longer have their small 2nd window looking straight into our kitchen.

Previous to that we had only known them for a year as that was when we both moved into our houses and we were on friendly terms.

So things are resolved, though we are no longer on friendly terms (at their request - they asked us never to contact them again). And now every single time the husband sees me - whether it's in front of our houses or in town, he stares and holds his gaze on me until I am out of sight.

He is my age, short, balding the type of man with a very inflated sense of importance/huge ego. He is slight in build so I can't believe he thinks he is giving me a physically intimidating stare. Perhaps he thinks he is somehow psyching me out? I don't know, but I don't like it. It's always when I with my children, and I never stare back. Maybe I should? How can I get a grip on this ridiculous situation and not let it bother me?

The wife does the same, though I see her much less so it's his behaviour that I notice more. They also do things like snigger together if they are outside their house when I am coming or going.

It feels like playground bullying and I can't get my head around how/why adults would behave like this. It's making me feel awful, I know it shouldn't affect me as it's so stupid but it does and I need to get a grip.

OP posts:

llangennith · 09/02/2018 10:42

OP I really wish you’d try to summon up all your courage to smile and say a cheery “Hello” because after you’ve done it once it becomes easier and easier to do and you get more confident. I know because I’ve done it and it’s a good feeling gaining the moral high ground.

Ghostontoast · 09/02/2018 10:45

Every time you paste on a false smile and wave at them just think to yourself what stupid twats they are!

MaggieFS · 09/02/2018 10:45

I think you are absolutely right not to swear at them as they'll see they've got to you.

BUT you do need to keep your chin up not head down. And try and work up to a smile, or even just a cheery 'morning'.

As for everything else- wealth, cars, appearance, he's an idiot and you are the better persons

whoareyoukidding · 09/02/2018 10:53

I'd be tempted to move, OP, if at all possible.

lljkk · 09/02/2018 11:25

"Hi, did you want to chat? Only I couldn't help but notice you looking at me and trying to catch my eye."

Every.Single.Time. you notice he's staring at you. Totally friendly & light.

If he brings up the past conflict. "Oh, I thought that was all sorted." is the only line to take. tbh, I would find it easier to say something direct than to simply smile.

Lovelylovelyladies · 09/02/2018 11:29

"Morning Clive"

"Afternoon Sarah, lovely day for it"

Just be smiley and over the top with your finger wriggling wave!

KevinTheYuccaPlant · 09/02/2018 11:31

Ever seen Labyrinth? Channel your inner Jennifer Connelly - 'For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me.'

Chin up, shoulders back, big cheesy smile, you'll probably have him backed down in a few days :)

Scabbersley · 09/02/2018 11:34

I'm another one saying a big smile and a hello. I've done this in the past on similar circumstances. It's brilliant.

The best revenge is a happy life

WhiteWalkersWife · 09/02/2018 14:17

Anxiety is horrible. I took to using yoga visualisation whenever i passed our neighbour and it took quite a while but really worked. He complains now that i sweep around with a dreamy smile instead of getting breathy and cold belly.

G120810 · 09/02/2018 15:25

Neighbour disputes are bad this happened for nothing as planning went ahead yous could have sorted this between use as u could have told them the issue and worked out how to compromise and use wouldn't have fallen out but next time go up to him and tell him to stop stearing at you as you find it creepy if he keeps doing it smile and wave don't let there childish behaviour effect you it's not worth the head space and if u have partner tell him to tell him to stop staring at you x

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/02/2018 15:38

He said what?

smallishi I'll add another vote for the big smile and cheery greeting. I had a neighbour who had a grudge for some reason totally unknown to me... I never did work it out. He would glare and mutter, he was really unnerving.

A friend suggested a smile and hello. It did seem to rattle him a bit. After a long while he stopped glaring and even managed a 'morning' himself.

Give it a whirl, he can't 'blame' you for being polite

Afternoon · 09/02/2018 16:29

Assertiveness training advises not smiling AFAIK... at least it did a while ago! Something to do with smiles being submissive body language?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/02/2018 17:25

But there is no intent to be assertive, just to bamboozle... and a cheery wave, smile and 'good morning' as a response to curmudgeonliness can be good for the soul... at the very least it's a sort of CBT, turning the apparent threat into a moment of cheer.

TeresaEdPsych · 09/02/2018 17:32

Yes I had that weird staring thing and the direct cut from new neighbours, even when I'd brought in their parcels. They took them without a smile! So a smile and a wave has thawed them even though we don't speak, they nod and smile back, it's been over two years.

Confusedbeetle · 09/02/2018 17:34

Sunny smile and chdergul good morning will win every time. Show them up as prats

sonjadog · 09/02/2018 17:35

If you can´t manage the wave, then go for the smile just as you are passing him or just after you've caught his eye. Like you've just seen something that amuses you.

Or if you have time stop up outside, fix your plants, bins, check something on your phone so that he has to stand and stand like a twat. See how long he can stand there looking stupid before he backs down.

AgnesBrownsCat · 09/02/2018 17:36

Wave at him . It will irritate him so much more than a middle finger gesture .

Labradoodliedoodoo · 09/02/2018 17:37

If you know the other neighbours I’d talk to them and explain what they have been doing and how long. I’d also point out that they only do it when you’re alone and not with DH. Id really lower their standing locally. Make them face the shame of what they are doing.

Cookie37 · 09/02/2018 17:40

Hard to give them a cheery smile if you’re feeling bullied - but just imagine him/them in the nude, or being constipated on the loo - that’ll make him seem much less intimidating and you’ll be able to have a giggle to yourself and give him a cheery smile when you see him, too ! Good luck - they are obviously very immature.

genius1308 · 09/02/2018 17:50

hazell42 - I love your 'jazz hands'. I would be totally the same. Big cheery 'good morning' as you tootle past him, with a mahoosive cheery smile on my face whilst practically skipping along. This REALLY pisses them off. I've done it on many occasions with idiots. I find it really unnerves them

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/02/2018 17:50

Oh, for a like button

DarkDarkNight · 09/02/2018 17:51

Practise a look of confused disdain

He is being ridiculous, you are allowed to object to planning permission. I can't stand people like this.

Nomorechickens · 09/02/2018 17:55

Quick grin and cheery wave, head high, then turn away and walk off. Practice in front of the mirror. Pretend you're the queen or a film star and have to do it as part of your job even if it's a nuisance. Don't try to speak if you're feeling nervous, in case your voice comes out weak and wobbly, just paste that fake grin on your face and act the part of a confident, superior person - you only have to keep it up for 20 seconds at a time

Buttons44 · 09/02/2018 17:58

I wouldn't even give them the time or your attwntion in anyway whatsoever stop giving so many f*cks and just ignore them. Theres literally nothing to gain from being intimidating or friendly. Give a f*k about your life and your kids move on and get on with living life

Buttons44 · 09/02/2018 18:00

@whoareyoukidding thats a little extreme just because someone has slightly annoyed you doesnt mean you have to up and move your whole family

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