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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these parents should be hauled over the coals for this

265 replies

Dustysparrow · 08/02/2018 09:46

A teenage girl was given highlights for her birthday by her mum - subtle ones - and when she returned home from a visit to see her father and stepmother they had cut off all of her hair as they disapproved. She has literally about 1-2 cm of hair length left on her head. She had long hair before.

Here's the link: uk.yahoo.com/style/father-chops-off-daughter-hair-124424056.html

AIBU to think this is a form of child abuse to do this to somebody against their will??? What a cruel, hateful thing thing to do to a child.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/02/2018 11:54

The back view picture looks so like my ds it’s quite disconcerting. Even to the clothes...........

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/02/2018 11:54

Granny.

Give it a rest the kid was clearly so bothered by it she went along with a fitting from a wig salon. Which appears to have a staff member whose the girls god mother. So another adult with a interest in her welfare who you would have thought may have noticed if she wasn’t bothered at all

RadioGaGoo · 08/02/2018 11:56

I guess that as long as you would not allow a DD to have long hair, you could not be accused of double standards Tarraleaha.

Tarraleaha · 08/02/2018 12:00

My boys and my girls being equal in rights, but not identical and therefore not treated the same way, I am ok with that RadioGaGoo

My kids don't have to grow up pretending they are something they are not, and my girls can be proud of being just that.. female.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 08/02/2018 12:01

I've had haircuts of my own free will and been devestated at the result but we need to keep it in proportion. It is hair, it will grow, it isn't the end of the world.

You've just answered your own statement on why this is wrong. You took responsibility for your hair being ruined, because it was your own decision to do it.

floriad · 08/02/2018 12:03

But the point is, I made that choice about what to do with my own look, for myself. This young girl didn't.

Exactly. I wasn't saying that women shouldn't have short hair or that it automatically makes them ugly.

But long hair is commonly seen as "the standard" for women (of her age).

She's stuck in the middle of two warring parents who are, by the sounds of things, making strident comments about what she should or shouldn't look like. It's dysfunctional in the extreme. Her parents should be teaching her that it doesn't matter if she has long, girlish hair or short masculine hair, she's beautiful either way. Instead, her beauty is being used as a kickball between them, with two impossibly different sets of standards. She should be allowed some autonomy and some decisions of her own. God knows, it's hard enough being a teenager without this burden as well!

Absolutely.

But as far as we know only one parent made her get a haircut / did something to her body she didn't agree with.

We should empower teenagers and teach them that they haver the right to decide what happens to and with their bodies...

And whilst it might be ok to "make a toddler get a haircut"? It's certainly not ok for a teen. (male or female, btw)

MuseumOfCurry · 08/02/2018 12:04

She probably has promised her father to remain chaste until marriage and he's worried that the boys will like the highlights too much. He's almost certainly a Promise Keeper or similar.

Getoutofthatgarden · 08/02/2018 12:04

Really can't get worked up about this. Certainly wouldn't call it abuse

It's abuse if the child was threatened or forced to do it, which it appears she was. It's also an incredibly old-fashioned looking haircut she's been left with, she looks distraught in the photos. As adults we may forget how important these things are to teenagers to 'fit in'.

amusedbush · 08/02/2018 12:05

I don't allow my sons to have long hair anyway

Well, aren't you an absolute delight? Hmm that's not your choice to make. And as for local schools not accepting boys with long hair, that's a disgrace. My brother had hair halfway down his back until he was about 17 and it was always neat and tied back for school. How the fuck does hair affect learning??

As for the girl in the story, the short haircut is unbelievably ugly and I'm not surprised she's devastated. If it really happened the way it has been reported, the father is unhinged.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2018 12:11

MuseumofCurry
I was thinking the same thing. Some kind of fundamentalist Christ

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 08/02/2018 12:12

I agree with both grannytomine on the fundamental principle and Yorick on the particular case (if it indeed happened that way - don't have time or inclination to try and find out).

Absolutely Shock at multiple schools not accepting boys with long hair! Good grief. I knew UK school uniform rules had been swinging increasingly towards the utterly bonkers for some time now, but what a horrible lesson in stereotyping and conformity. Yuck.

IndigoMoonFlower · 08/02/2018 12:12

Poor girl!!!

grannytomine · 08/02/2018 12:15

One of my sons had longer hair than this girl when he was at school. I was always amazed at how many people thought he shouldn't be allowed to have long hair. Boys shouldn't you know, it isn't masculine. He eventually had it cut, can't remember when, might have been when he was at uni and went to the other extreme and virtually shaved his head.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2018 12:15

For under 5s, it's not that unreasonable to choose for them WRT haircuts (though if they do express an opinion, don't enforce yours unless their are really good reasons for it eg a plague of headlice or something. If you are the sort of loser who insists on gender conformity then give yourself a slap - your children are not property and you do run the risk of overstepping the mark into abuse if you bully them to conform when they don't want to.)

This particular case does sound like stupid, selfish parents using their poor DD to score points off one another. Hope she's nearly old enough to fuck them both off and make a life for herself.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2018 12:18

WRT schools in the UK, DS school rules handbook does state that boys are not allowed long hair. We have ignored this instruction and they have yet to complain to us about it. His hair is tied back for school and that's enough. (DS' dad thinks that the handbook - new at the start of this year - was a bought-in template and they probably hadn't read that bit...)

SmallBlondeMama · 08/02/2018 12:18

Her highlights looked so beautiful!!! This is terrible. I would never speak to my dad again if I was her (along with pressing charges for abuse). Terrible!

floriad · 08/02/2018 12:19

I don't allow my sons to have long hair anyway

Why not?

My youngest brother (15 years younger than I am, he's a teen), decided to get the most awful mullet-y thing a few years ago. And managed to still stay popular at school (I was admittedly genuinely worried).
My other brother had long hair. And even took a headband to school so it wouldn't bother him ;)

Things like this are harmless. It's a good and harmless way of self-expression and self-determination.

And their teachers didn't care.

(because they had decent teachers....)

PoorYorick · 08/02/2018 12:19

And as for local schools not accepting boys with long hair, that's a disgrace.

Not to mention discriminatory towards Sikhs. I remember seeing a Sikh boy at school at a party for the first time. He had always worn a turban at school but he wore his hair loose for the party. Long, black, shiny and silky, much better looking than mine. I was jealous as hell.

The fact that long/short hair on boys/girls is a cultural construct is irrelevant. Boys can look great with long hair and girls with short hair; that's not the point. The point is they should be allowed to choose.

A girl who is old enough to choose how long to wear her hair should have that respected, and not have it cut off against her will. I can't believe anyone has difficulty grasping that.

RadioGaGoo · 08/02/2018 12:20

Interesting. Would you allow your daughters to cut their hair as short as your sons if they wished Tarraleaha?

Rebeccaslicker · 08/02/2018 12:26

I did wonder briefly whether the girl regretted it so blamed her dad. When I was about 8, I had long hair that I could sit on. My grandmother didn't like long hair (a legacy of having curls and a Victorian mother who made her keep them waist length and therefore v knotty!) and when I stayed with her and expressed admiration for george in my famous five book, she took me to the hairdresser and had it all lopped off. I didn't mind at the time (I was sad afterwards when I realised what I had done), but my mother was so furious with my grandmother when she saw me. I didn't pipe up to say it was my idea; I was too busy crying!

But I don't think that would be what happened here. The haircut is too severe; the girl is a lot older than I was and therefore aware of hair/beauty/social pressures etc, and there was certainly no suggestion that I was forced into it, whereas the girl here claims to have been. So on balance I'd rule out that theory grannytomine!

PoorYorick · 08/02/2018 12:29

No teenage girl with long thick hair that she's just had highlighted decides the next day to get a crew cut.

Ivymaud · 08/02/2018 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tarraleaha · 08/02/2018 12:32

yes, radio but so far they have not showing any interest in doing so.
My oldest daughter (big age gap between the 2) would be mortally offended if I was giving her a tenner and told her to go to the barber instead of her expensive hairdresser.

I guess technically we should give them exactly the same budget to take care of their hair, but whilst they would be treated equally then, it wouldn't be fair. Funny how people can be happier if you don't blindly call "equality" in your house.

Ivymaud · 08/02/2018 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebeccaslicker · 08/02/2018 12:35

Well actually Poor - that's not strictly true.

I have a niece who is now FTM. At 12, 13, 14, they were obsessed with their hair. Always colouring it, highlighting it, unicorn colours etc. One night on FB, "see my pretty pink hair!" The next night - whole lot cropped off, almost a buzz cut.

They later gained a serious amount of weight, started dressing in male clothes, wore a tuxedo to prom and took a girl as a date, and at 18 worked out they were actually FTM (although 5 years later they live with a straight man, i have no idea how that works!).

Now of course I'm not saying that's the case here. I just wanted to point out that actually it CAN happen - there can be lots of factors that you wouldn't see from the outside. In this case parents who care more about antagonising each other/publicity than their daughter, perhaps.

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