Friend leaving baby to cry - do I say something?

[elenen]

I know I'm interfering but would you say something? Friend leaving 8 week premature 10 week old son to cry for "over an hour" every night the past week. Surely he just needs a cuddle do I mention that it's too early to leave him cry or just keep out?

Are you sure she’s coping? She’s not only recently had a baby but presumably gone through an incredibly stressful time because he was so premature. I think if you’re going to approach her about this tread carefully as she needs support not judgement.

How sad , I always eyeroll a bit at ‘ attachment parenting’ every now and again when the kids were over 6 months I’d leave them a minute while I finished doing the toilet or showering but never for long . But to sit downstairs while a newborn screams itself exhausted is pretty awful . It can cause attachment disorders and brain damage and is against everything in nature .

Depending on how often the mum is leaving her baby hides she leave it just at night or through day a special well?), I’d be concerned about attachment disorder later as the baby gets older....
patient.info/health/child-attachment-disorder-leaflet

not hides not sure why it typed that!

All these posters harping on about 'us oldies' are missing the very crucial point that co sleeping and a mother going to her screaming child is actually as old as the hilt, and was the norm even when we lived in huts.
'Crying it out' came much much later, and was championed during the Victorian era when 'children should be seen and not heard' was gathering apace.

Please don't start making this an age war when the so called 'new' methods are older then you could imagine.

OP, I think you should speak to your friend, in a calm and measured way. It would be the right thing to do. Good luck.

Wouldn’t do it myself but it’s not your place to be telling her how to look after her baby. My baby had colic and he screamed every evening from 5pm-midnight whether I was holding him or not. I couldn’t bring myself to put him down and spent hours pacing the hallway rocking him (still screaming) and it didn’t make the blindest bit of difference. Maybe she just needs a break from it. It’s all very well to say you she shouldn’t put him down when you’re not the one dealing with it

olga holding a screaming baby still produces a positive affect for the baby compared to leaving it to scream alone.

My heart would not allow this, especially so young. 8 weeks? And an hour is too long, I think you should mention it to her, I did that with mine when he was about 9 months, and that was when he was fed, clean nappy etc he cried for 5-10 min then fell asleep. As a mother you know when your child cries for fun or they really need something. I would never leave a child to cry for an hour no matter how old they are, that's just wrong.

op i actually think your friend needs help. She’s probably hasn’t yet come to terms with having her baby 8 weeks early and all of the anguish that brings. I wonder if she has debriefed the birth with anybody. Her midwife should have chatted to her but you’re friend obviously coping well.

Yes, I agree that your friend probably needs help if she is really leaving her baby alone to cry for that long. I think In your position I would try to have a conversation with her regarding her wellbeing.

interestingly I read this news story on the BBC today:

Parents' care can help premature babies in hospital, says study
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-42973760

"Caroline Lee-Davey, chief executive of the premature and sick baby charity Bliss, told the BBC: "This new research adds to the multitude of evidence which shows that enabling parents to take an active role in their baby's care significantly improves outcomes for babies born premature or sick."

It's similar to the research showing more favourable and positive health outcomes for premmies whose mothers do lots of skin to skin care (kangaroo care) in NICU.

OP what have you decided to do? I feel desperately sad for that newborn that it's mother has been leaving him/her to cry for an hour every night for the past week poor little mite

Yes you should say something, it’s cruel

I don't know how anyone can bear to leave a tiny baby to cry for ages. I'm childfree by choice and absolutely unmaternal but there was a newborn crying in Tesco last week and I couldn't stand it. I felt so agitated I wanted to rush over and pick it up. It tugged so hard at the single maternal gene I possess.

Please please say something, that poor little baby that is neglect, no doubt about it.

Have you decided what you'll do OP?

A lot of babies are left to cry whilst in hospital. It seems cruel but I have a really happy nearly three year old now, who had to learn to self settle and was always described as content and smiling for everyone. She doesn’t seem affected now and has actually learnt to give cuddles. I couldn’t do it myself and bed shared with my first but maybe the Mum is struggling but the baby should be fine as long as all other needs are met.

I have premature baby and u are told not to leave them like that she would have learned that in hospital as he wouldn't have been left like this maybe she is trying the crying method I would take offense if someone told me that I wasn't doing something right it's her first baby but if u say so how long does baby take to settle then say have you tried it this way then it's advice no mum likes to be told how to look after their baby u myt not like it but there will be things people don't like about how u parent

Do say something. It's damaging to a baby to be left to cry like that - elevated cortisol, overactive stress response, attachment issues in later life.

Thanks for everyone's opinions. I've decided I will bring it up and maybe ask if there's a reason why she's doing it to see if she's struggling. But I will wait for the right time (when it's just me and her). Fingers crossed she doesn't take offence.

Good for you OP. Hope she is receptive.... where is her DP/DH in all of this? Do you know him well enough to mention it?

I thought of that but I think he is supporting it so I don't want to seem like I'm going behind her back to tell her off 😕