Friend leaving baby to cry - do I say something?

[elenen]

I know I'm interfering but would you say something? Friend leaving 8 week premature 10 week old son to cry for "over an hour" every night the past week. Surely he just needs a cuddle do I mention that it's too early to leave him cry or just keep out?

I’ve always read there’s no point sleep training until a child has object permanence so much later then 10 weeks anyway! I don’t think an otherwise well looked after baby will get brain damage from being left for an hour but I don’t think it’s good for either of them really. Mum must feel really stressed by the noise and baby may not be having needs met.

You can't stop colic pain but you are responding to them and giving them other responses that they need. Otherwise advice would be to put your baby down and leave them to it when they're crying from colic because nothing you're doing makes any difference.

Geez at 10 weeks old after being premature, did your friend eat paint chips as a kid.

I thought that style of cruel parenting was only cool once they're 8 or 10 years old.

I stopped being friends with someone for this . Didn’t know her that well but it struck me as being so callous and yuk

I blame the Fina Gord book 😂

Having an 8 week premature baby is fucking tough.

I imagine this baby's mum is exhausted. She may also be less attached given that she's had to hand her baby over to nurses the moment it was born and for much of the baby's life so far. Not her fault.

I am not going to judge her and I suggest anyone who hasn't been in her shoes shouldn't either. I wouldn't do it at this age but I did sleep train at a later age when I was desperate. Perhaps she is desperate.

And all this stuff about brain damage is utter utter bollocks. Babies used to be left to self settle all the time in the olden days. We don't have generations of brain damaged adults from that. It's not ideal parenting but to leap from less than ideal to brain damage is like saying Haribo give children cancer.

Oh forgot to add, don't address it with your friend, that's why social services exist just give them a call. Social Services, saving friendships and babies since 1601.

This sort of thing always makes me feel queasy. I'd say something to her- for your own peace of mind as much as anything.

My friend and I had babies around the same time (not PFBs) she told me that she used to put her DC in his pram in the utility room once he was fed, winded, changed and go to bed upstairs with headphones on so she couldn't hear him cry. I really hope it wasn't true but he was in his own room from day one and left to cry.

I cosleot with my DC until well over a year and they were never left on their own.

Two very different parenting styles and whilst I don't agree with my friend at all I couldn't say it.

Lots of credible sources explain the science behind babies who are left to cry being affected developmentally.
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

@sweetkitty 😟😟

Maybe he screams because he's exhausted and nothing she does works so has to leave baby to cry.

You never know the full situation. You could mention that an hour is a long time for baby to cry but be prepared for her to not like what you've said.

I'd be concerned that she hasn't properly bonded or has pnd. I had a six week premm baby and didn't really bond until she was out of hospital - because I didn't believe I would get to take her home. Pnd is very common in nicu mums.

And all this stuff about brain damage is utter utter bollocks. Babies used to be left to self settle all the time in the olden days. We don't have generations of brain damaged adults from that.

When people say brain damaged they don't mean severely learning disabled or something. They mean the neurological connections (specifically in the front lobe) are changed. It does affect attachment, empathy development etc. Please do some reading of current neuroscience research before you dismiss it as "utter bollocks".

And yes many, many people from previous generations have relationship and emotional/mental health problems now

Well if that's your idea of a "credible source" then I suggest you dig down a bit into the research she's quoting. None of it adds up to x hours crying = brain damage. Unless you're a rat of course. In which case frankly youve got bigger problems.

And holding a baby while they cry is not yr same as leaving a baby to cry, it just isn't.

My DD had severe silent reflux, comic, cmpa, tongue tie, never slept and cried all day for the first 3 months. I know how hard it is. I never left her to cry, it is abusive and neglectful

*colic not comic

Yes Abso I know and I have. Over a number of years because its a subject I'm particularly interested in. Which is why Im rather sceptical about the big claims and extrapolations and filling in being generated on the back of them.

No sorry you don't know how hard it is Abso.

I don't deny that brain connections can be affected. Brain connections are being made all the time in a child's early years so just about everything we do (and that the world does around them) will potentially affect those connections. "Affected" is not the same as "damaged". And emotional and relationship problems apply to all sorts of people from all sorts of parenting backgrounds. There is no research suggesting that attachment parenting or never leaving your baby to cry will help avoid emotional problems later.

I realise that the current thinking favours not allowing a baby to cry, to be constantly picking it up, staying with a baby until it's asleep, however long that takes and not putting baby into its own room until it's about 5, exaggeration true, but there may come a time when the 'right' thing to do is different. Would you like an outsider lecturing you, criticising you, even reporting you to the Health Visiter? Many babies, you included, were brought up differently and you survived, generally. Personally I think it's the height of rudeness to interfere and the road to loss of friendship, even front teeth if you push it too far!

I'd clarify what she means like p have said. If it's on and off grizzling between periods of them being quiet/asleep for an hour before they settle then I doubt it will harm them. If it's full on screaming for an hour until they fall asleep exhausted then that is neglect imo.
As for what to do about it I honestly don't know. I'd have to say something but likely it won't be well received. Could you maybe share some gentle parenting articles on Fbook and tag your friends with children? It could start a bit of a conversation and might make your friend less defensive than if you were to approach just her one on one?

We 'oldies' apparently have mental issues according to some posters, at least we can live our lives without constantly running to a keyboard to ask the most ridiculous things The result of the constant attention given to babies and children might result in a generation of people who are never comfortable in their own skin, never having been allowed their own time and being given the impression that they are the centre of the universe.

So leaving a baby to cry is fine, no negative consequences will result. Maybe it should be recommended more by HV to stop parents wasting their time trying to stop their babies crying.

Yes Assassign that's just what people are saying.

No sorry you don't know how hard it is Abso

I don't know how hard what is???

I would HAVE to say something.

Her baby is way too young to be left to cry and if he/she is crying for over an hour then he isn't learning to self-soothe he's unhappy and has a need that she needs to fulfil!

This horrifies me, I would never have left my babies to cry like that.