Friend leaving baby to cry - do I say something?

[elenen]

I know I'm interfering but would you say something? Friend leaving 8 week premature 10 week old son to cry for "over an hour" every night the past week. Surely he just needs a cuddle do I mention that it's too early to leave him cry or just keep out?

I don’t let my 2 year old cry in the night.

She might just need a bit of a nudge and a chat. It doesn’t sound right.

On a selfish level, isn’t it bloody irritating?

Elton that just isn't true at all. Just to put in context, one of the most stressful situations that young children are put in is being left with a new carer. This is the norm at some point for the vast majority of children and it's pretty clear it's not harmful.

The independent? Really? Well it must be true.

I would have to say something, she is clearly struggling in some way. Failing to meet a newborn's basic needs is neglect.

Midwives explain now how important it is to respond to your baby before you leave the hospital.

I think I’d clarify what she meant first. Everyone’s definitions are different, for example I’d say my baby (much older however!) “cried for an hour” last night but what I mean is that he fussed for a minute, talked for a few minutes, was quiet for a while - lather rinse repeat - for about an hour. That’s ok I think though an infant is obviously far more likely to be truly hungry and I never let mine fuss at all without snuggling them because baby snuggles are so precious and gone so fast. Could she have PND?

@NewYearNewMe18

The child wont be harmed. Not everyone mollycoddles

^What an ignorant comment. The baby is 8 weeks old for goodness sake!

Is she leaving him continuously?
The advice I was given going back 7 years was to let them cry (yes that young) a few minutes, pick them up, cuddle them until they stop (obvs providing they don’t need to be fed, burped/ changed etc) put them down & repeat, are you sure that’s not what she meant?

She's leaving him upstairs in the cot and she's downstairs watching tv. I have wondered about PND but again didn't know wether to bring it up.

www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Elton is correct, there are definite changes made to a baby’s brain due to neglect/not having basic needs met.

Please speak to her. My ex friend left her newborn in her own room from the first night home from hospital (week old after Csection) to cry herself to sleep. Only told me last year (didn't know her back then) and it haunts me knowing she could do such a thing. And actually her dd does have serious issues.

The crying leads to brain damage myth originates from a study on Romanian Orphanages where babies were subject to extreme unimaginable neglect, and the children suffered brain damage or died.
People panicked thinking babies crying alone must lead to brain damage.
Only when it's really really extreme.

Not like an hour or so as in this case.

This breaks my heart, that poor little baby. Made worse by the fact you said she's downstairs watching tele. Please say something x

The child wont be harmed. Not everyone mollycoddles

Not letting a newborn baby scream themselves to sleep is mollycoddling ?!!!!

Imo it's neglectful. And emotional abuse. Yes I mean the word abuse.

I used to work in HV. I've studied psychology to postgraduate level (specifically modules in cognitive developmental neuroscience). I also grew up with an emotionally abusive DM and my DH's DM was emotionally abusive and physically neglectful.

Trust me, this sort of parenting has an affect.

Those doubting it read the book "love matters" for an overview of the neuroscience

Must be honest and say at first I was about to say it her business.
BUT 10 weeks old. That is ridiculous!
At that age babies only cry because they need something.
Maybe if she brings it up again. Let her know gently that he is too little to self sooth as he is to young to realise he can cry and get attention. It is a genuine need.
Furthermore my dd was 6 weeks prem and she had sugar level problems. She had to be fed every 2 hours and she was not allowed to be over stressed ie cry for long periods.
Tread carefully though OP. Good luck

Every interaction with a baby shapes how their brain develops. A baby who isn't responded to, who is left to cry every day, who has a carer who is maybe depressed and detached from them - that has an impact on their brain that is lifelong.

That’s not right poor poor wee thing. I’d have to say something, although I imagine she won’t welcome it.

He isn't settling himself. He is falling asleep exhausted. Is she at least feeding/changing him when he starts crying or does she ignore all his crying overnight?

I'd have to say something, albeit very gently and say it's not an age where baby can/will self-settle and is likely to be hungry or wet rather than just yelling. If I lived next door to someone leaving a baby that tiny to yell for over an hour, I'd report them to SS frankly. It's neglect pure and simple.

I let mine cry but not to the point of sobbing and inconsolable (I think that's a word). Probably for only around 10 minutes too depending on how upset they got. Sometimes they would settle but other times they wouldn't therefore I would get them from there cot. I have no idea regarding prem babies and parenting as both my babies were full term... My sister and sister in law never let there's cry..... it's each to there own but this does seem very young.

Baby is probably 'settling' it's self as it's far to tired to carry on crying and is exhausted itself to sleep

I would mention it in a really supportive, non-judgemental way. Maybe she needs help and you could offer to help her? Please don’t start talking about the “fourth trimester”.it will make you sound like a judgey wanker.

And I do think that’s basically neglect and that it can shape a babies brain and affect attachment etc.

There is evidence of tangible effects on brain development when a baby experiences this type of parenting. Long term, measurable outcomes.

The people who insist otherwise are generally defensive as they did some form of it themselves. The angrier/more belittling the response generally suggests they did it earlier/for longer too.

Why do people think babies cry? For shits and fucking giggles? To manipulate? Well yes - but not in the pejorative sense. It's their only fucking way to communicate their needs. And their needs are not just the outwardly physical. Emotional needs and needs too, even at that age, that have tangible physical affects. Just because you can't easily see the effects (heart rate, blood pressure, cortisol levels etc) doesn't mean they aren't there and you'd have to be so very stupid to think otherwise.

You could say something op but people that like to leave their babies to cry seem to be super defensive and cry victim at any suggestion to the contrary so I'd be prepared for a frosty reception.

Don't know why everyone assume pnd, plenty of people let their kids cry themselves to sleep as a matter of course.

Please please contact her HV. They will gently explain to her that sleep training is not appropriate or safe at this young age. Baby is 2 weeks corrected. Please do this. I’m going to worry about that hungry/wet/lonely baby now 😢

This makes me so sad :( please please do something

'Imo it's neglectful. And emotional abuse. Yes I mean the word abuse. '

Absolutely right. Horrified that anyone would suggest that it 'wont do any harm' and that it's none of your business. Please say something OP. That poor baby