Friend leaving baby to cry - do I say something?

[elenen]

I know I'm interfering but would you say something? Friend leaving 8 week premature 10 week old son to cry for "over an hour" every night the past week. Surely he just needs a cuddle do I mention that it's too early to leave him cry or just keep out?

My midwife told me the reason babies who are left to cry soon manage to "self settle" is actually just that they've learned that nobody comes when they cry so there's no point. When they've done brain scans, the "self settled" babies who were previously left to cry it out are just as distressed as a baby who's actively crying; they just don't bother communicating it because it doesn't achieve anything.
Kind of broke my heart.

@Calvinlookingforhobbs me too 😢

What is the child's father doing to stop the crying? Perhaps he should take over for that hour or so.
I found / find it very stressful listening to my baby (now toddler) cry. Evolution has designed an infants cry to make adults want to do something about it, this is for a reason.

But of a jump to go from this parent chooses to use a sleep training method some others don’t agree with to she’s detached possibly has one and is clearing not meeting her child’s basic needs

It's breaking my heart that the poor little thing is crying for his mummy and she isn't going! I couldn't do it

That doesn’t sound normal. If it’s true I’d contact the health visitor as she maybe isn’t coping. Certainly someone professional needs to be keeping an eye on what else she’s doing/going to do next.

If you were mentally well, coping and attached/bonded with your 10 week old baby, it would be very unusual to leave them to cry for an hour?
My maternity notes in at least my last two pregnancies had a section about responding to your baby, and I had a little talk about responsiveness and brain development from the midwives when I was discharged, so I think all new mums now will know it is important.

I get sad when people say a crying baby will be brain damaged. My 2nd cried for hours and hours in my arms for the first 6 months of his life. He’s now a happy and healthy 2 year old so I’m not convinced really.

I’m not against letting a baby cry but that age is harsh. Poor thing is probably hungry or full of wind. I’d say something to her and suggest she tries to wind him or something. It would drive me insane too, it’s physically painful for me to listen to the crying.

It's not that crying causing brain damage, it's a lack of responsive care that is the problem. Babies need contact, cuddles, someone helping them to manage their feelings, responding to them.

@Steeley113 people mean crying on their own, not in their parents arms. If you're holding them they know where you are, they can smell you, feel you and your heartbeat, your voice etc. All soothing and reassuring them. Not at all the same as being alone in a cot.

How is it a leap?! I’m absolutely pro sleep-training in a reasonable way with an older baby so I don’t feel I’m being hysterical to say that a newborn infant who is crying for an hour has some need that isn’t being met. Maybe PND is a bit of a stretch but I honestly can’t understand how you could listen to the piercing noise that is a newborn cry for an hour unless there were underlying issues.

Dunroaming do you have a link to that research by any chance. Because that doesn't sound right at all.

This is abusive and neglect and needs to be reported

Steeley - crying in the arms of your dm isn't the same as crying with nobody there....

Crying is crying though. The cortisol will still be raised. But like I said, it hasn’t caused my youngest any issues that I have noticed. I don’t know how you can listen to a newborn and not respond, the cry is painful!

the baby needs its mother clearly,i would absolutely say something for the sake of both of them. I would need to make sure the mother and babys welfare is met something is clearly very wrong. I do believe it cam be damaging as any high level distress is not a positive experience.

@BarbarianMum eventually stopping crying is a survival method. They will try to get an adults attention to survive but eventually will stop to avoid getting the attention of potential predators - however they’re still very distressed, but the adult can’t hear them crying so assume job well done, when in reality they just assume their caregiver has died and so stop trying to gain their attention.

Yay.

@Steeley113 I don't know if anyone has shown if cortisol levels are raised or as high as babies left alone to cry. It seems a very different situation to me, where a baby is having their needs addressed compared to one where it is not. That must make a difference to how the baby responds. If they can be silent and very stressed, surely the reverse could also be the case where they are crying but not as stressed?

I hate sleep training.

But it’s not a newborn it’s a ten week old and for all we know it’s done because the parents feel that sleep training is a basic need of a baby. Lots do.

We did sleep training but not till DS was a lot older. One of the reasons is I have epilepsy and if I don’t get a good night sleep I fit. But we made it work for the first year or longer I think.
Leaving a baby at that age is cruel, have can she stand the screaming at that age

@NeedsAsockamnesty it is a newborn, baby was 8 weeks prem so 2 weeks adjusted. Plus they class upto 12 weeks as newborn

Ten weeks since birth but birth was eight weeks premature, so actually really just like a newborn. Probably not long out of hospital. Poor little mite. I'd say something.

also hope she is in a detached house miles from other houses. If not the neighbours will be going crazy

Poor little mite. Absolutely breaks my heart, for both baby and mother.

Baboon sorry but that is seven shades of shit (biologically and evolutionarily speaking their is no way to evolve a response to your carer dying that involves shutting up). I'm not advocating this mother's approach but I would really, really love to see some of the research backing the wilder claims on here.

The reality is that if this mum responds to her baby's needs 23 hours a day and ignores it for 1 hour, the baby will be fine neurologically.

Colicy babies scream for hours without developing neurological impairment. You might be carrying them round but you are not "responding to their need" because their need is for you to stop the pain and you can't (which is a good reason for more attention to be paid to treating colic but that's another story).