To think she should be doing more...

[Dancingfairy]

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

Thanks to those who did comment with help but I won't be commenting on this again. I don't need "help" with my kids thanks. I'm a single mother to 4 I'm sure lots of single mothers struggle doesn't mean I need social services involvement though thanks! Since my kids are well looked after! Being a mother is hard for most people. But thanks for the patronising comments.

No-one is suggesting that your kids aren't well looked after. Not that you need help. Lots of families fall out, doesn't mean that they don't reach out and help those that they haven't fallen out with, when they know that they are struggling.

The frustration is because you have a family member who is clearly unhappy, possibly desparately so at the moment, and you won't do anything to help apart from post about it on MN.

Hope you’re ok op I think your sister has well and truly dumped you in it this week. I’d be furious. She’s probably enjoying the break.

Okay Op. I know you said you would not be posting again, but what I would suggest is that you email the school. Tell them he won't get up, won't go in in, that you're not sure, but you think It might be because he's depressed and could they look into it. You don't have to criticise your sister - sometimes the people closest to us don't see there is a problem, or she could be in denial. It'll take five minutes - far less time than you've already spent on this thread. Tell your sister what you've done.

Your DC may still be young, but one day they'll be teenagers and one of them could well have MH problems - it's becoming increasingly common and not due to bad parenting (usually). Wouldn't you hope that someone would take the time to try to help them if they saw a need, even if they weren't 'responsible' for them?

You have misunderstood what a few people have said.

Your family IS dysfunctional - not you/your kids, but your sister and her kids, you and your sister and your parents etc, Somewhere in all this the dynamic isn't healthy and while this is not up for discussion and we are not right to judge because we have no information, the fact that there is a rift there shows that there is trouble in relationships/family around you.

Your Nephew is expressing the fact that he feels suicidal, this is not to be taken lightly, and while you have 4 kids and are run off your feet (like I wouldn't even imagine) you have a young person under your roof that needs help.

ALL you need to do is to call the school and tell them what you have told us. You should call the Dr too if you can, but the school will be the best first step, (a) because they will want to know what is going on from an attendance point of view and (b) because they have systems and processes in place to help protect kids who seem to be struggling mentally.

Social Services SHOULD be involved tbh, not with YOU, for HIM. To help HIM manage life. Your DN needs help, he is under your roof, it won't take long to ask someone for help. Your sister clearly isn't going to do anything about it. That's not acceptable

have you talked to him about why he doesnt want to go to school? i was like this at this age and it was because of being bullied my dad just thought i was acting up and being lazy think there is always another side that maybe we dont know about it and if he isnt doing it to hang about with his mates id be wondering why else he didnt want to go? maybe bullying? maybe struggling with the work?? i think its easy for people to judge and to be like force him, phone the police, throw water over him etc but i do think there is usually a underlying problem in these situations... i also think that even if his mum and dad had words with him before they left it probably wouldnt of made a difference?

I think as long as he is not being unpleasant to you and the rest of your family you can leave him to his own devices if he refuses to get up. His habit of skiving is your sister's problem, not yours. Just let the school know he is safe at home with you and refusing to go to school and let them deal with it with him with his mum.

BUT, if you want to try to be a helpful sister and do a little more for your nephew, you could try to sit down and talk with him in an understanding and non-confrontational way about why he doesn't want to go to school. If he is not playing on devices and would still rather sit around your house with bugger all to do than go to school and see his friends, then something is really very wrong either at school or with his friends. Sometimes it's easier to talk honestly to a caring adult who ISN'T a parent about problems -- the child has less fear or hurting, upsetting, disappointing or angering them. You might be that person he would talk to, if you want to try.

Op, how awful for you. How about marching in, taking away the covers, and hand him a toilet brush and cleaner and tell him if he doesn’t go to school he will be cleaning the bathrooms and mopping all the floors that morning.

If he doesn’t get up then, I would call the school and tell them he is too lazy to get up and hand him the phone w/the principal of the school. If that didn’t work, I’d call the police non emergency line and see if an officer would talk to him about truancy. I live in the US and I think someone actually would get on the phone with him for a chat.

I would have to take action because a 14 year old missing school for no good reason, and disrespecting his mother and disrespecting you (and not doing himself any favors), is unacceptable!

Natural consequences: you don't go to school, you get expelled

Not true, PerfectlySymmetrical. That would not be a valid reason in law for excluding a child from a maintained school or academy.

I couldn't keep reading OP's posts after a while. There's loads of information online about what to do when a child is depressed and suicidal. If you don't have the capacity to deal with nephew, why did you agree to take him in?? What did you say to your sister? "Oh yeah, I'll have him but if he kills himself because I don't have time to help with his depression, don't blame me!"

His being like this is a result of bad parenting over time and will be hard if not impossible to reverse now that he’s a teen.

I didn’t read the entire thread so didn’t know he said he was suicidal. Calling the school and letting them know so that if there is a system in place to help him, it can begin to be implemented.

Op, you have 4 children and no help, plus your sister laid this huge burden on you, shame on her! She should be tending to her own son who has problems.

‘AIBU to think she should be doing more?’ - potentially, yes.

We don’t know for sure what the sister has, or hasn’t tried to do in the way of getting help for her son. Just because she hasn’t told her sister, doesn’t mean she hasn’t actually tried.

I think the sister needs support, as well as the boy. Those of us who have lived with someone who has depression will know how hopeless it makes you feel. Nothing you do appears to help, and if the person isn’t willing to go to the GP then it’s very difficult, and you consider getting the GP to pay a housecall (if the GP agrees), but you’re living on such a knife edge that you’re worried confronting your loved one about their depression might push them over the edge (whilst simultaneously knowing that not getting the person help could also have devastating consequences)

I hope your nephew feels better soon. This thread has demonstrated well that many people are still so clueless about mental health. If the boy had a physical illness then I think the responses would have been quite different (once the OP had actually disclosed the depression of course).

I echo calling the school and telling them what's really going on. My DD started refusing to go to school in yr 11. She is now on ADs and seeing Camhs psychiatrist.
My DP, like so many up thread, thought she was being difficult/bolshy/lazy. She is depressed, has been suicidal and is now getting help. The school were fantastic and supportive.
Good luck OP - you didn't ask for this, and I hope your Dsis gets back soon and pulls her finger out.

Be really honest with the school. You can't help him. His mother won't. School might. Someone needs too. Young boys and men are at the highest risk for suicide :-(

I hope if you ever have a medical problem that people try and get you help, rather than seeing you as an inconvenience.

Hang on, you are a single mother of four children and your sister expects you to look after her only child teenager for a FULL WEEK?

Fuck that, op, why hell did you agree to that?

Where’s his father? What was so important to your sister that she dumped him on you?

Grandparents? Other aunts/uncles? His father???

And she knows he has mental issues going on which nothing has been done about???

What the actual hell?

It’s very difficult to get help sometimes. My daughter wasn’t allowed help because she couldn’t physically speak to the cams team/staff. That was part of the problem but they just signed her off because she couldn’t tell them what was wrong. Because she didn’t know what was wrong.

My son, different again and causing havoc with schooling to the point no school wants him. But all cams told me was “well your kids are adopted so they are damaged ...”

Hoovering the bedroom at 7am, 7.15am, 7.30am, curtains open, big light on, playing country and western music, strip the bed..send any pets you have in to 'play'with him..... In short ...annoy him so much he will be desperate to go to school. 14 year olds will sleep all day if you let them !!
If he gets up but refuses to go, make sure there is a pile of ironing, mountains veg to peel, shoes to clean , flower neds to weed. Do not leave his side. set up a slide show of old family photographs and discuss one in minute detail. Invite his teachers to email over work.Switch off the wireless router and the heating.
All of these things will ensure he never wants to stay with his wicked aunty ever again....

That poor, poor boy. This is one of the most upsetting threads I have ever read

I'm aligned with Kitten shoes. This sounds like depression. It would be one thing if we ignoring you to sit on his computer or play video games, but a boy his age laying in bed all day like that could be a red flag. Based on the fact that she dumped him with you and hasn't bothered to talk to him it doesn't sound like his mother isn't very involved.

Could he be acting out because something else is going on? It might not go anywhere, but try talking to him about. Maybe you can be there for him in a way that his mother isn't.

This is a symptom. What us the cause?

My sister works very hard to ensure he has everything he wants and more. She (IMO) sees depression as a weakness which I think is why she's brushing over it

No, she doesn't. She buys him stuff, and refuses to give him the help that he wants and needs because she thinks it is a weakness.