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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should be doing more...

335 replies

Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 11:57

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 07/02/2018 21:37

A teenager that sleeps till lunchtimes has been on his phone/Xbox until the early hours. Fact.
No, not fact. I remember being a teenager without any electronics at all and I could easily sleep until lunchtime.
Depression in people of any age can have this effect.

Natural consequences: you don't go to school, you get expelled, you have no qualifications, you can't get a job, you go on the dole.
Do you seriously think that would have any impression at all on a depressed 14 year old?

Poor kid, he needs professional help. Talk to the school to see if they can offer any support.

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 07/02/2018 21:45

I just want to reach out and hug this poor boy. 😢

strongswans · 07/02/2018 21:50

I agree with voiceofreason above, sorry on tablet so not sure how to quote, a teenager sleeping till lunch being due to being on electronics is not a fact at all. Teenagers naturally sleep later. My ds is mainly up at a normal time, but will typically once a week or so sleep till 11ish, having been in bed with no no electronics etc... asleep from 9.30 the previous night, he is just shattered!

The the op, please, I know single parenthood is tough, and I know you do not want to upset your sister, but this boy is crying out for help. Please please help him, or find someone who can before it's to late.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 21:52

Theres nothing I can do physically as I can't drag him to the drs and when my sister does get back I won't see him again for a while.

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 07/02/2018 22:13

I actually think your doing all you can in the circumstances OP and I applaud you for that.

Does he interact with your children at all?

Would it be less stressful for you to suggest to him that actually for this week if he doesn’t want to go to school that’s fine but that you would like him up, showered and downstairs by 10am daily. I know the ideal is getting him to school but it may be what you need to get the pressure off.

He doesn’t sound very spoiled for love if I’m honest. Maybe spoiled with stuff but his own mother hasn’t contacted him. His father has taken away a source of communication as well.

biscuitmillionaire · 07/02/2018 22:21

1 - GP. Double appointment if possible. Get referral to Camhs and hopefully get GP to agree to counselling too, and possibly blood tests to rule out any underlying illness.

2 - Camhs. Plan of action. Counselling, mentoring, in-school support, etc.

Meanwhile back in the real world... he's just staying with the OP for a few days! She doesn't have PR, she can't do any of the above before Friday! And even for parents, do you have any idea how hard it is to get a CAMHS appointment, even for parents of children who have very serious mental health problems?
And as the for the PP who told OP to make an appointment with the head of year at the school: he's just staying with her for a few days until Friday! The head of year won't speak to a student's auntie ffs.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 07/02/2018 22:22

I know you are finding this very difficult OP, and it IS a very difficult situation, but perhaps you could call the NSPCC, as others have suggested, and get some expert advice and support for your nephew?

You could also, as other posters have also suggested, tell him that you are really concerned and worried about him, because you can see he is unhappy.

You say that he shrugs off whatever you say to him, but you are just about the only person who can give him some moral support at the moment, so please keep trying.

I do hope you manage to get through to him and also to somebody who can get him professional help.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 22:23

Yeh that's true actually think I am thinking of it as spoilt with materialistic things. He talks to them but I find him abit rude to them (I understand this though and don't think it's intentional just that he isn't use to young kids/noise) so is constantly telling them to be quiet or stop asking him questions. He talks to them but gets fed up easily. Which like I said is understandable if your not around young kids.

OP posts:
goose1964 · 07/02/2018 22:31

If he's actually suicidal you can take him to A&E , my GP advised me to do this when I was first diagnosed with depression

Booboobooboo84 · 07/02/2018 22:31

I think you should just make the week as easy as you can for both of you. Let him have it off if that works best for you both. Sit down and say this situation isn’t working. Let’s just chill out this week. If you want to get up and go to school then organise yourself otherwise I’ll expect you up,cleaned and dressed by 10/11am. Whatever works for you op.

Interacting with the younger children albeit grumpily is a good sign. He can obey certain social conventions.

Call your sister and say ring your son and talk to him. Tell her it’s unacceptable that she hasn’t.

endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 22:37

So 3 phone calls would be great.
One to the office at school asking for either an urgent call back or transfer to the pastoral care or safeguarding person.
Make it clear that you cant physically do anything but you are making them aware.
Ditto to his gp surgery.
Ditto to his mother.
But the most important thing would be to just give him a hug and tell him he matters.
Sometimes just hearing that somebody cares can make all the difference.

Steamcloud · 07/02/2018 22:40

Sorry, it must be difficult on your own with 4 DC, but like it or not you are in loco parentis and this lad needs urgent help by the sound of it.

Can you call Young Minds, take him with you to the gp, go in and talk to the school. This can't go on. You don't want to risk him going on to self harm.

Meadwaymumof4 · 07/02/2018 22:48

Having a 14 year old school refuser myself it’s very hard. You would amazed at how bad the services / protocols in place are until you need them.

I had to beg schoo, for help even though my ds attendance was well below their attendance policy. He hasn’t even been flagged up as a concern and his attendance was near 80%. School then behaved shockingly before ignoring me. EWO said she normally gets involved at around 20% attendance. Paediatrics found he has socail issues but discharged him after a two year wait. You need to have self harmed locally to acesss camhs.

Al, OP can do is keep nudging sister / ex bil to get him help.

As a Mum of four and a active dh I can’t imagine having capacity to fix this in two days either.
There is no money out there to help these kids, budget cuts! That’s the reality. It’s horrible but there isn’t the capacity out there to really do the job these kids deserve

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2018 22:49

So you put your fear of your family getting angry at you ahead of what might be the future, or even the life, of a depressed and possibly suicidal young teen? Words fail me. I think you need to understand that many, if not most, teens never say a word about how they are feeling. This young man has apparently already reached out by saying how he is feeling, albeit to peers rather than someone in a position to actually help. And now that YOU know, you aren't going to do a damned thing!

Oh, but he hasn't been 'officially diagnosed'. So that's fine then. If it's not 'official'...... Confused

endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 22:54

It all sounds very dysfunctional.
Nobody speaks to anyone else.
This poor lad is the loser.
As I said before, nobody cares and he knows it.

Ooogetyooo · 07/02/2018 23:04

Agree with above posters. Your sis may be working hard to provide for him materially but he is certainly starved of attention . There isn’t a single adult in his life who is willing to do what adults do, when the shit hits the fan and actually you know do something. Everyone’s blaming everyone else, no one speaks to one another what a mess.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 23:05

It doesn't really matter that I don't talk to my mum or brother. Lots of families fall out. There are no perfect families. Anyway I never actually said it doesn't matter as his not officially diagnosed so please don't misquote me, pp said he must have seen a dr/camhs to be diagnosed with depressed so I pointed out he hadn't been officially diagnosed. The depression/suicidal thing happened in October. She hasn't said anything about it since.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 23:06

So all your families are perfect and you never fall out? Yeh right pull the other one!

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 07/02/2018 23:34

You are a grown woman, he is a child. A child that no one seems to want to take responsibility for!

What if he were your child, would you be able to fit him into your busy schedule?

Please help him.

needmysleep75 · 07/02/2018 23:45

I am going to get flamed for this I know I am but I have teenagers and work with them 90% of them say they have depression/anxiety/are suicidal it is seen as the 'in' thing at the moment and is an excuse for all behaviour. I'm obviously not saying it doesn't exist of course it does but none of us on here know this child. He does however seem to be screaming out for attention, maybe whilst he is with you try not to worry about the school thing, if he won't go tomorrow ring them and explain ( don't cover for him or your sister ) tell them everything they will have staff that will talk to him when he goes back, talk to his mum advise if he needs to see GP. These are people that know him, interact with him rather than strangers on the net. My daughter would sleep til that time if I let her. If he won't go in the morning tell him he needs to be up, showered and dressed at least then spend then time with him and just listen to him. Get him to talk about his mates, hobbies, what he wants to do when he leaves school. Don't tell him he's wrong about anything, he might open up to you. It might be nothing but normal teenage rebellion or he might need help but just let him know you are there to listen.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 23:49

My busy schedule seriously fuck off!! I have 4 kids I am a lone parent I NEVER get a break from my kids ever. I am just about getting by! I haven't adopted him I am run off my feet already! I didn't have a teenage son because guess what I wouldn't want a 14 year old at my age. Once again I haven't adopted him he is not my child. Wow people are so rude on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 23:51

And i agree need. Both of my nieces have said they have depression. I think alot of teenagers state it. It certainly isn't uncommon. Will probably get flamed again for not helping them either.

OP posts:
Tiredoldhag · 08/02/2018 00:43

What Kitten said. I've been there as a kid, it's certainly a possibility

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2018 01:30

Too busy to make a couple of phone calls? I don't think so.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2018 02:04

Please call someone. You're clearly not equipped to cope, but nor is anyone else in what sounds like your very dysfunctional family. Given that you clearly dislike your sister, your mother and your other relatives, and resent being stuck with this poor kid, what have you actually got to lose if you involve the professionals (whether that's SS, your GP or his school welfare team)? Maybe there would be some help available for you, too, as you are on your own with four young children and struggling.