To not cut my daughters hair???

[Dollygirl2008]

My daughter is 9 and has very long, thick, naturally wavy blonde hair - past her waist. It is absolutely beautiful (when brushed) and she has lots of comments but because of the texture, it naturally gets incredibly knotty. On holiday last year, it was a nightmare - not sure whether it was the sea-water pool, but it would take me 30 mins to get through it. However, at home, it's not THAT bad - lots of conditioner etc, and by plaiting it each night makes it absolutely fine to deal with.

My issue is that her father and wife are constantly on at her, saying that it's dreadful and needs to be cut to her shoulders which makes her feel rubbish and puts her in a difficult situation. I've told her that if she wants her hair long, now is the time - if you can't grow your hair long at her age, then you'll never do it. I make sure the ends are cut, and that it's in good condition, put up etc for school.

Two things: (a) she is going on holiday with her father in the Summer and he's told me to get it cut before - is this being unreasonable? I was going to have a few inches off it, and maybe layer it

and (b) anyone else have hair like this, and if so, what products do you use?

AIBU???

I wouldn't get it layered. I would get it chopped to about mid back for ease of care over the summer.

I wouldn't get it layered, either. But then, I wouldn't cut it, either if she didn't want it cut.

My children have always had full control over their own hair. I draw the line only at playing with chemicals unsupervised. My own mum cut my hair against my will when I was about 5 or 6 and then again when I was about 9. I still remember it and how upsetting it was. I'd never put my daughters through that, no matter how shit I thought their chosen style was or how much work it took to care for it.

Long, wavy hair won't take much seeing to if it's kept well conditioned.

Don’t cut it, she is on holiday hardly any time in proportion to the year, why would you cut it for that? Her hair sounds gorgeous.

Long hair, short hair, whatever - but I would be annoyed with my child being so precious about her hair and would feel uncomfortable about encouraging her spending so much time on it every day.

If the hair is almost permanently braided or in a bun, what does it matter if it's six inches shorter and is just "normal" long hair? Well, the braid will be nearly 6 inches shorter for a start.

I hate really long hair on girls

You've got time to teach your dd to mange it. My 9yo dd has been brushing and washing her own hair for ages (st meat a year/ 18 months) and could do low ponytails. She's now worked out a high ponytail which is brilliant.

Mange= manage

And it's her choice to have it that long. I'm always suggesting she cuts it. She looks amazing in a bob but hasn't had one since she was 4.

'I hate really long hair on girls'

It's not your hair to decide . I really hate forcing children to cut/not cut their hair because the parent doesn't fancy it.

Do not cut layers, will be even more of a mess!

Do cut it shorter by few inches (shoulder blade length?) only so that it can be put up in a pony or braid & be more manageable.

Argan oil (found organix to be the best for this) everyday along the length followed by combing/brushing. I have a 10 year old with long hair and I have taught her to oil & brush herself everyday. She also has a tangle teaser. I only get involved once in a while now if she forgets to self manage.

At night loose pony or loose braid to keep it together.

Oh, and to the PP who was worried about leave in conditioner "contaminating" pool water. That's what chlorine and filters are for. I'd be more worried about people pissing in them (if I didn't understand what chlorine was anyway)

It's the pollutants in the pool (whether that's someone's left in conditioner or pee) that react with the chlorine and produce the compounds that can make your eyes sting. Limiting the amount of product, dirt, wee in the pool means less chlorine needs to be used which is generally a good thing.

OP A really good solution for waist length hair is to tie it into a low ponytail then tie a hairband about two inches down, then another a further two inches down until you get to the last 4 inches or so. It looks really neat and keeps the hair neat.

My DD had her hair tied up for school like this all through primary and yr 7 of secondary. She also went on school trips and washed and conditioned it still in the long banded ponytail.

She slept with it like this and just took the bands out in the morning and quickly brushed it through then put some serum or leave in conditioner in then tied it back up again. She was forever rolling in the grass or climbing trees it made no difference because she had her hair tied up.

She would have her hair down sometimes at weekends or parties etc and I always made sure it was tied back like this for school. She has never had nits yet. Whether that was luck or the leave in conditioner/serum or because it was always tied back I don't know?

But it always looks really neat and it is lovely when she wears it down.

Actually, Tinty’s suggestion also sounds really good. Plus it’s something she might be able to do herself. Just pack a whole load of hair bands.

Thank you Tinty - sounds like a sensible idea to try!

Somebody mentioned this on another thread. This is what I posted. No you are not being unreasonable.

In response to 'It's supremely impractical'

Absolute rubbish. For whom? One of my children has below waist hair (and from age 8 it reached that length), it is very long. She does competitive gymnastics (has done since age 6) and wears it in a large bun for classes or competing and a long plait for school etc She's also referred to as a tomboy by many people (not in a bullying way) as she's into outdoor pursuits and fishing and never wears dresses or skirts.

@Dollygirl2008

I've not followed all this thread but did post earlier.

I just wanted to ask re "My issue is that her father and wife are constantly on at her, saying that it's dreadful and needs to be cut to her shoulders which makes her feel rubbish and puts her in a difficult situation."

whether parenting your dd, from her dad and his wife has been OK aside from the hair issue and if not, how has it been hard?

I just wonder if hair is part of a bigger picture of problems? I a sorry if you addressed this earlier.

Did anyone post this link?

www.littlethings.com/dad-chops-hair-birthday/

Just to add she's never had nits, or tangles, or knots. Tangle tamer brush after washing and she manages her own low plait for school. It's never even been an issue that I've thought twice about, which is why some of the responses have surprised me.

Oh lord please don't cut her hair well not all off anyway! Or most I have bum length hair but my mum kept cutting my hair when was younger an I hated it! If she left it at your daughters age it would be too the floor now please don't do it maybe have a nice trim but she might regret/ or hate later in life up to her when she old wether she wants to but let her have her say.

No products at all, not even conditioner very often! I think it's tangle teazers we have, not tamers, though they're probably similar thing. We have spares as she says she can't brush her hair with anything else.

OP - your DD's hair sounds very much like mine (but a bit longer).

On holiday it does have a tendency to go wild especially if I'm swimming in the sea.

I think getting some long layers put in is a good idea (I have them). Taking out some of the bulk makes it much more manageable to brush and dry but obviously doesn't impact the overall length.

On holiday I always make sure it's in a braid before swimming and I do need to wash it if I've been in the sea. I also put product on it - there's loads of good leave in conditioners designed for the sun - I use this one (Coconut Heat Protection Spray, Dry Hair Treatment – 10 Benefits, Anti - Frizz, UV Protection, Add Body, All In One Styling Treatment – 250 Millilitres https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01LZH2UZ2/ref=cmswwrcppapi_TOhFAbYQ5ZH1Y).

I don't think she should be forced to have it cut short by her father - it's her hair and she's of an age where she should decide what length it is.

I suspect he (and his wife?) are probably thinking about the effort it would take for them to look after it - which if true is very shitty.

As well as suggesting layers I'd also teach your DD to look after her own hair properly ASAP - fully brush and braid it. This way your Ex hasn't a leg to stand on. If between now and the holiday she can demonstrate she doesn't need them to look after her hair then there's absolutely no reason to suggest cutting it.

Thank you all.

Parenting is fine really, not easy for me in the beginning as he left me for her and she has other children but we have got to a happy medium and she is our absolute priority. So yes, I totally understand that it's a faff for them and although he has many good qualities, patience isn't one of them!!!! Not sure whether the wife eggs him on with his opinion, but that's probably just me being very protective. I just hate they way they get the message to me through her which seems unfair. She is a very kind, sweet, diplomatic child, so would never dream of saying to defend herself to them.

I think I have a plan though. She needs to take more responsibility for her hair as she may then decide herself to have it chopped! I'm also getting a good 3 inches off next week, and possible a couple more ready for summer. She will be armed with a selection of stay in conditioners and serum!!!!

@Dollygirl2008 Hopefully your ex will be able to work out that respect if a very important thing for parents to earn from their kids and making unilateral decisions about cutting hair etc doesn't help to create it.

There really are worse things than having a kid with messy hair, and I speak as someone whose kid had very messy hair!

IMHO, when she is older the fact you have all supported her to have long hair, even when it was hard to do so might just be like money in the bank in terms of the relationship with her and the respect going both ways (or it might not!!)

Thank you @Italiangreyhound - kind and wise words!

@Dollygirl2008 thank you, I was not sure if I was overstepping the mark! My dd is 13 and asking for loads of things now we cannot agree to, so the more things we can say yes to, and can point to being sympathetic to in the past, the better!