To not cut my daughters hair???

[Dollygirl2008]

My daughter is 9 and has very long, thick, naturally wavy blonde hair - past her waist. It is absolutely beautiful (when brushed) and she has lots of comments but because of the texture, it naturally gets incredibly knotty. On holiday last year, it was a nightmare - not sure whether it was the sea-water pool, but it would take me 30 mins to get through it. However, at home, it's not THAT bad - lots of conditioner etc, and by plaiting it each night makes it absolutely fine to deal with.

My issue is that her father and wife are constantly on at her, saying that it's dreadful and needs to be cut to her shoulders which makes her feel rubbish and puts her in a difficult situation. I've told her that if she wants her hair long, now is the time - if you can't grow your hair long at her age, then you'll never do it. I make sure the ends are cut, and that it's in good condition, put up etc for school.

Two things: (a) she is going on holiday with her father in the Summer and he's told me to get it cut before - is this being unreasonable? I was going to have a few inches off it, and maybe layer it

and (b) anyone else have hair like this, and if so, what products do you use?

AIBU???

As PP, ask her what she wants.

I had hair down to my bottom in school and it used to be a nightmare brushing out after swimming on holidays.
A trick we found was putting it in a ponytail, and then plaiting the ponytail.
And then spray de-tangler/ leave in conditioner to help brush it out afterwards.

As you say, school years is really the only time you can get away with hair that length.

My daughter has very curly and thick hair, I treat bath time as hair combing time, lots of conditioner, a wide tooth comb and make sure it's sopping wet. Her hair is down to her bum when wet, but bottom of shoulder blades when dry. I tend to keep her hair tied up unless for special occasions.

If you layer it you might find you won't be able to plait it easily when you've done that as the layers will be escaping down the plait.

I found coconut oil makes it harder to comb through but is good as a deep conditioner. Body shop banana or the Aussie conditioner are good for combing through. For styling I use dark and lovely au naturally coil moisturising soufflé. It doesn't go crispy when dry unlike the usual mouses and other styling products. Also, try to encourage your daughter to take more care of her own hair. I'll probably be flamed but I wouldn't be happy with a step mum having any influence on her hair. If your daughter can show she can do some of the care then that will quiten them down. she'll probably want to experiment when she's a teenager so why start cutting her hair now if she doesn't want it.

Going against the grain here, but yes, to me, that sounds far too long. She can still have long hair that is past her shoulders but doesn't cause this much work - for her, and for everyone else.

Given that you obviously share custody, I do think it's fair that you take their views into account. Obviously, if she lived with you full time, and you were happy to do the work needed, that wouldn't be a problem.

However it does sound like both of you are using her hair as some kind of 'weapon' . Have you deliberately let it grow because you know it winds him up?!

Would it really cause an issue to chop 4 inches off?! Surely it would make it in much better condition so it would look even more lovely? !

If she was wants to keep it then she needs to be able to care for it. Wear it in Dutch or French braids when in the pool/sea. Teach her how to do these, you tube tutorials. It takes a lot of practice - even get the hairdresser to teach her. Comb through with conditioner in the shower - use lots, so don't bother with overly expensive (although the Aussie 3 minute miracle is FAB .... buy tangle teazer (not a fake one). Dry it with a hair dryer then brush it through. Get it cut every 6 weeks. Top tips from someone with the same hair, who had her hair cut at the same age for similar reasons (I was a swimmer and couldn't cope with it myself) and hated it.

If it does end up being cut, I'd be making sure I went with her to do it before her holiday, or it might end up shorter than she's ok with and trigger more subsequent battles. I wasn't allowed to re-grow my hair once my mum decided to bob it when I was 4. I hadn't realised how much would actually be taken off and I hated it for years.

Depends - if she wants to keep it long she needs to be doing some of the looking after. A real bristle brush might be worth investing in, as it helps smooth the hair and distribute the natural oils. Buy her one and get her to practice brushing her hair nightly and teach her to plait it herself maybe?

What does your daughter think. At nine can she be more responsible for doing her own hair? If not then how about a bra length cut.

Often really long hair looks a little tatty.

BTW I wouldn't layer it as it might not help at all.

That really depends on who has to look after it. If she can look after it herself, then fine. I'm afraid there is no way I would be spending that amount of time, or buying expensive products, on a child's bum length hair

Agree.

What is it about hair that causes such angst?

What does she want? Although she will know that mum wants to keep it long, dad wants it shorter, and she will not want to make the “wrong” decision.

You should tell her it’s only hair, it will grow, and if she wants to cut it so it’s more manageable on holiday then you will take her. Have a look through pictures so she has ideas.

She’s 9. She should have a hairstyle she can manage herself. All these hours of combing and conditioning in the bath- when does the child get any privacy?

Let your dd choose what to do with her own hair. It's up to her.

Put it in bunches, plaits etc if that makes it easier.

If it gets notty she can brush it.

If she does want to get it cut then can I suggest Little Princess Trust.

www.littleprincesses.org.uk/

@UgandanKnuckles that is terrible, what did your mum do. I have a feeling I would have stopped speaking to my mum if she had done that to my dd.

My daughter has hair like you describe. I have had the "birds nest" to contend with, usually after she'd been poorly. But its not too bad if you keep on top of it.

I dont use shampoo on her hair. It dries it out and makes it worse. I use a good dollop of conditioner and wash with that. Also I only wash every other day otherwise it gets dry which makes it knottier.

She has plaits in for bed. And if she's doing an activity which I know will get her hair messy (swimming, sports, etc) then I will plait then too. can she plait her own hair?

It is up to your dd how she wants her hair not her dad. Dont let him pressure her into cutting her hair.

If she wants to keep it then let her keep it. She's old enough to decide. For holiday I would personally have it braided before she went then he can't moan about it being tangled

Sorry - I should have said originally - she loves her hair, and she wants to keep it long. She does what she can, and she is responsible in the main for brushing it or at least getting it to a point where I take over and then plait/put up etc.

A few of you have echoed what I thought - getting it thinned out before the summer. It hair that looks amazing once brushed, but looks a bloomin mess once she's been running around! I also like the idea of braids.

Thank you all for your product suggestions - I've also tried the Aussie leave in conditioner and it's marvellous!!

If dd likes her hair this length and is keen to keep it then I’d do a protective style that will stay for her holidays. If done properly cornrows should stay put and won’t require any attention. That way her father doesn’t have to do anything to it and dd can just coil it into a bun at the top of her head for bed. You can get silk head bonnety things that will also protect it at night.

and Ljlsmum, I'm with you on the stepmum influence on the hair!!!!!!!

@UgandanKnuckles that is terrible, what did your mum do. I have a feeling I would have stopped speaking to my mum if she had done that to my dd.

Why is it terrible? Maybe the sister had asked for it- ugandan admits she went and got her own hair cut as soon as she was able. My mum always insisted i had my hair a certain way- i hated it and would have let anyone take me to a hairdresser.

I went to work one day and came home to dd’s long blonde hair in a chin length bob. She had decided she wanted it cut so dh had taken her to a walk in hairdresser. Should i have stopped speaking to him?

Isn't there a dry conditioner spray, maybe by Bastise? That might help her manage tangles.
Yes to tangle teaser too, brilliant brush

Hair this length is totally unsuitable for the business of being a child.

It doesn't look terribly wholesome, either. Past her waist, really?

I agree with the poster above. Who wants her hair long and why. I get the impression it’s for you but it’s not practical at that age if she can’t herself look after it. If the ends need trimmed and I bet you will say they don’t, it will go into knots. Bye a paddle brush as it will make a difference. As someone above said, if you don’t do it and they take her on holiday and into the sea it will be ten times worse then you know what will happen. Better do it yourself before that happens. As soon as it’s cut, you know what happens, yes, it grows again.she has the rest of her life to grow it again.

Get it braided before they cut it off.

I would teach her how to plait it.

It is really hard to plait long htick hair and she needs to put it in 2 plaits, and plait is from behind her ears, so it falls forward over her shoulder, as that is the only way really a 9 year old is going to manage.

Added to that, spray in conditioner for before she brushes and as she plaits. This also protects against the chlorine in the pool so helps it to not go dry and knotty. (in fact when we are on holiday I comb thick conditioner into the bottom half of the kids long hair, works wonders).

She needs to practise brushing it herself properly, until all the knots are out.

Failing that I agree with the poster who said get it plaited into corn row before you go, but then beware she will burn on the partings!

What does she want?

If she wants to keep it long teach her to take care of it and trim of any damaged bits. I have hair pass my bum and it's only when the ends get damaged that it gets difficult to deal with. Also, tight braids are great for swimming if she doesn't want it in a cap, lose braids will create rats nests!

But if she wants it cut PLEASE don't layer it. I suffered from numerous layered cuts as a kid and I looked like a right poodle. Thick, wavy hair actually benefits from length because it was it down - 'bra strap' length or longer may be her sweet spot to avoid a mushroom poofball! 😉

I don't get the tangle teaser love, my hair is fine but there's lots of it and tangle teasers only brush the top layer!

Why so desperate to keep it waist length? Not really much difference appearance wise between waist length and shoulder blade length if being tied up all the time and if the latter makes things easier why keep it so long?

*weighs it down