To not cut my daughters hair???

[Dollygirl2008]

My daughter is 9 and has very long, thick, naturally wavy blonde hair - past her waist. It is absolutely beautiful (when brushed) and she has lots of comments but because of the texture, it naturally gets incredibly knotty. On holiday last year, it was a nightmare - not sure whether it was the sea-water pool, but it would take me 30 mins to get through it. However, at home, it's not THAT bad - lots of conditioner etc, and by plaiting it each night makes it absolutely fine to deal with.

My issue is that her father and wife are constantly on at her, saying that it's dreadful and needs to be cut to her shoulders which makes her feel rubbish and puts her in a difficult situation. I've told her that if she wants her hair long, now is the time - if you can't grow your hair long at her age, then you'll never do it. I make sure the ends are cut, and that it's in good condition, put up etc for school.

Two things: (a) she is going on holiday with her father in the Summer and he's told me to get it cut before - is this being unreasonable? I was going to have a few inches off it, and maybe layer it

and (b) anyone else have hair like this, and if so, what products do you use?

AIBU???

Business of being a child ??? Since when was being about functionality and suitability?? Urgh I wonder if some people children have a basin cut on here

If a child has hair down to their waist it really doesn’t effect me and I certainly don’t think it Mske children ‘unwholesome’ - what a ridiculous point of view 🙈

If she can take care of it herself then its up to her if she wants it long. Can she french plait it herself? On holiday with the humidity, salt and the running around I can imagine it would be hard to manage, my hair is difficult as an adult on holiday! But it's up to her.

How about cutting a bit off so it's not so long but definitely still long hair, past shoulders? It will grow again and might just make it a bit easier to manage? It might need a really good cut if you find it's really knotty, I always know I need s hefty amount off my hair when it gets difficult to brush. But honestly I had really long knotty hair as a child and my parents were always going on at me to cut it but I loved it, and i hated that my parents wanted me to cut it. I could brush it completely by myself by about 8 and French plaid it etc.

@italiangreyhound she wasn't best pleased, that's for sure! She started speaking to her again (eventually) but that's why she was so adamant that I wasn't to have my hair cut, despite the fact that my hair is completely different from my sister's. My sister was only 5 at the time so doubt she would have given a shit.

My DC have chosen how to have their hair since they were 4. What does your DD want?

museumofcurry what do you mean by 'not terribly wholesome'?

Not necessarily true that "if she wants long hair the time to do it is now" - my hair was short at primary, never longer than just below shoulders at secondary, grew it to waist length at work, and now I can sit on it.

I manage it by keeping it almost permanently in a plait when I don't have it pinned up.

But as others have said, it's her hair, her decision. But she should be learning to plait it herself at 9.

I used to be able to sit on my hair at that age! I loved it, i have really think hair and if it was lopped off to shoulder length, i'd look like a right idiot even now, it is too thick! Keeping it long keeps it weighed down.

You dont have to do tiny braids, i used to have 5 thicker ones to go on holiday that lasted 10 days and didnt pull or hurt.

My dd had long tangly hair for years, she started taking an interest in it at 11 and now it is short, her choice.

I really feel hair is our thing and better to allow kids to do as they please (within reason).

Hair this length is totally unsuitable for the business of being a child.

Just spotted this. How is it not suitable?!
I managed to get my thick hair in a french plait at that age, rolled into a bun under my hat to compete my ponies. Plus i climbed trees and all sorts of rough and tumble. I can't recall one moment it was a hindrance.

Personally I hate hair that long, I don't think it flatters as I think it somehow drags features down. I also think it's way too time consuming with all that faff. And at 9 I think they should have styles they can manage themselves. Will she be going on a school extended visit at any point?

However, she's also old enough to have an opinion so then if mother and daughter are happy then it needs to be left at present.

I would also though, worry that her father may take her to have it cut anyway...

Hair this length is totally unsuitable for the business of being a child.

As PP said totally ridiculous comment.
My 10 year old dd has thick curly hair down to her bum, she manages in being a child just fine. Gymnastics, dance, school, horse riding, riding her bike, playing, climbing, running, ice skating... not one thing I can think of to do with 'the business of being a child' that has been prevented by her hair.

If she can't manage to care for it independently then I think it's best to cut it to a length she can manage it. It's not fair to expect her dad/stepmum to spend ages detangling knots every day, or for your daughter to end up with it so badly matted it all has to be cut off. She can grow it long when she's older (if she wants to).

I think very long hair on children can look unkempt and dated. Especially if it's wavy and prone to matting. What's wrong with a shorter style and layering so she can care for it herself? If she's always had it very long she won't know any different and may be surprised by how light and free her head feels!

Can I recommend a product from Sweethearts Hair Design. Their detangling spray is highly recommended and you can see lots of before and after pics! Sounds like this would be a great help in dealing with the tangles.

Thank you for all the helpful comments!

Just to clarify - my daughter loves her hair long, so I'm indulging her whilst she can (ie, young). I'm having it cut next week to take a few inches off the end to keep it healthy. I certainly do not use her hair to get at her father - that might be some peoples angles, but honestly - I have better things to be getting on with than that! Her father and I have a perfectly respectful relationship.

I'm off to Boots to get all these lovely products - I WILL find something that helps her to manage it!!!!!

My 5yo DD has very long, thick, wavy/loosely curly hair, past her bum. It takes a little while to comb, but I only comb or brush it wet, then it's put up in a bun or french plait, every day without fail. She's worn it "down" about 4 days in the past 3 years. Her choice to have it long. I wouldn't get it layered, as this would make most plaiting options impossible, & a bun would quickly come undone.
For a holiday, if she was going without me, I'd do a style like BuzzyBuzzBuzz posted, that could be pulled back into a ponytail, or left down. I don't add beads though, I just use plain clear tiny bands to secure the ends. I did this last summer when DD spent a few days with the PILs, as they use a nasty cheap plastic brush which causes tangles, so I tell them not to bother washing her hair if she needs a bath. (I mostly do the curly girl method on DD anyway - I only use shampoo if her hair has got really grubby from something & conditioner won't cut it.)
Something I have found to be useful in detangling is a good oil-based leave-in serum. I make my own & use it as a spray when DD's hair is still damp. I use a squeeze of pure Aloe Vera gel, a little argan oil, a few drops of tea tree essential oil (headlice repellent), chamomile essential oil, & fill up with water (I use floral water as I have it in the house anyway, but normal boiled, cooled water should be fine). It needs to be made a day in advance to allow the AV gel to dissolve, & needs shaking before each use. It's a fab leave-in spray, completely free of nasty chemicals, & smells lush. I use the spray & then plait DD's hair while it's still damp, always.
For non hair-wash days, I just spray her hair with water, & use a very wide tooth comb, then replait it.

I've told her that if she wants her hair long, now is the time - if you can't grow your hair long at her age, then you'll never do it.

This comment is really odd. The easiest time to have long hair is late teens/ early twenties, when you have the time and inclination to look after it yourself. Not when you are a child unable to brush it yourself and want to run around so much it gets knotty.

I have long hair and did as a child but mine quite straight. My dad learnt to plait and it was always plaited at his house for ease. At 9 she needs to be looking after it more- brush at lunchtime and before bed if it tangles easily.

I had lovely long thick curly red hair as a child. A ridiculous amount of time was spent looking after it and then it was tied up for 6 days of the week anyway. When I was 12 i had it cut short into a purdey cut I was so fed up of it. Don't make your daughter's hair a chore for her.

I think a good compromise is to have a few inches cut off your DDs hair. One of my DDs had long hair as a child and it was so much easier to manage hair that was midway down her back (bottom of the bra length) than waist or bum length.

Why do people get stressed about hair length? it grows back ...

I expect the holiday is the perfect time to hack it all off. So I would have a conversation with your daughter to make sure she actually wants it this long (and she's sure she's not keeping it this long because you like it this long and she's just trying to do a nice thing for you) and make sure she feels confident enough to assert herself if someone takes her to the hairdressers without you there.

A hairdresser is not going to hack off the beautiful long hair of a crying girl saying "please don't do this - I like it long and mum hasn't given permission for you to do this" but a hairdresser will cut off the long hair of a quiet girl (who doesn't feel strong enough to say anything) whose dad says "we've decided to cut it back to a more manageable length - I'm taking her for ice cream after as a reward".

If she genuinely wants to have long hair, having it forcibly cut off will be devastating. So make sure she has enough assertiveness before she goes.

I had beautiful under bum length hair when I was younger but at 11 decided to have it short. Unfortunately I didn't realise that my hair was thick so it just poofed out and was even harder to maintain. Everything was more difficult in dealing with it and I hated it. I still hate getting even an inch off my hair because of this.
If you choose to keep in long because she wants it then you need to make it very clear to her father he isn't to cut it himself. She won't forgive him for it and you will loose trust in him.

Seriously 30 minutes a day on holiday? Wow. Even if you don't mind I don't think it's fair to impose that on the other parent.

She can still have lovely long hair without it being quite so long. Bra strap length would be beautiful and much easier to manage.

IMO cutting it a bit shorter would be much better than layering or thinning it which is going to make it harder to put up and likely to make it look messier due to all the different lengths. Also if there's any curl in it layering will make it puff out.

To be fair, getting a few inches off will probably bring the hair to just below where the bra strap would be - depending on how tall the OP's daughter is. It sounds a reasonable compromise.

A few of you have echoed what I thought - getting it thinned out before the summer. It hair that looks amazing once brushed, but looks a bloomin mess once she's been running around! I also like the idea of braids

Voice of dissent ... DON'T DO THIS I had hair like this and all that thinning produced was more frizz - and not just at the ends, but up the hair - and knots. AND it took fucking ages to grow out (I was adult). So many hairdressers still want to try this and I insist that they don't. You can't braid layered hair easily either.

Instead I suggest that you pay for a consult that considers best types of comb and products to use.

I have a tip that is not just for children's hair when on holiday and in and out of the pool/ sea.

Drench, really drench the hair in tap water before setting out for the beach/pool and work in a light conditioner. Keep the hair wet with bottled/ tap water throughout the day. Braid/ plait where possible.

The theory ( and works on mine, anyway) is that hair can only absorb so much water, so drench it with 'good' water and it can't take on the chlorinated/ salty stuff.

Shower out the conditioner in the evening and hair is in much better condition than if it had been left to the ravages of sea and chlorine.

You're welcome.

P.s putting in my ha'penny worth to get it cut, at least a bit. I had bum length hair as a child which I hated but was reluctant to get cut as my mother was absolutely fixated on the stuff.