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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another in-law one...

443 replies

forfuxache · 06/02/2018 15:52

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuxache · 06/02/2018 17:19

If i thought they would bugger off when I was dishing up, I wouldn't have an issue with half an hour.

Problem is, they won't. I've already had the 'we don't mind if you're eating!'. Well
I do!

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 06/02/2018 17:19

GreatDuckCookery (coincidentally, roast duck is something we'd often DO on a romantic dinner at home night!) your DH is in his 50s, so presumably you are similar enough in age.

Which probably (not definitely, but probably) means that you have at least grown through the years when DCs were very small (just starting to sleep through) and you were exhausted from early pg as well. So maybe you have forgotten what those years can feel like when you are going through them at 100mph and careering around trying to keep the show on the road.

So if you have made mental space to arrange a nice dinner for your DH for his birthday, and if you have plans that involve enjoying some adult playtime together, what right does your DM or DMIL have to come and interfere with that? As a happily married couple, are you not entitled to the freedom to enjoy your own company in your own home on some occasions? While making arrangements to enjoy the company of that extended family within a few days, and even being hospitable enough to cook another dinner for them?!

Where are the boundaries supposed to be for a happily married adult couple in their own home with their own children and life responsibilities?

(Sorry FurFox, I may have been hit on a raw nerve and derailed from your original problem....)

Chowmum · 06/02/2018 17:20

Have you told your DH about the planned "last course"? (shaved legs and everything) I might be reaching massively, but given the toddler/pregnancy/really long commute/on a promise situation, I would have thought the LAST thing he'd want would be his parents rocking up for an hour or more.
Seriously, what is this thing with adult parents wanting to see their adult children ON THEIR birthday? I really think it's bizarre, and it's also bizarre how many people are accusing the OP of being spiteful and selfish for wanting to spend an entire evening WITH HER HUSBAND!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/02/2018 17:20

Switch us all off now, OP. We can't peel the spuds for you!

Relax and look forward to your night in Flowers

Dobbythesockelf · 06/02/2018 17:21

I can't remember the last time I saw my parents on my birthday. They usually call at some point. Will see them at the weekend if we can etc but they have never demanded to see me on the actual day.
He's an adult who has told them no due to his wife already making plans for them. He is 35 not 10. I really don't see why they can't just call him and then see him this weekend. But then again we don't make a fuss of birthdays in my family so maybe I have an odd view.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2018 17:22

Well tbf the OP did ask whether she was BU so I gave my thoughts.

Anyway OP I hope you have a lovely evening and the duck is a success.🦆

Original poster
forfuxache · 06/02/2018 17:24

Oh I'm all prepped @CuriousaboutSamphire. That's what naptime was for today (and let shaving, of course. What a horror show that was!) Confused

OP posts:
Goldmonday · 06/02/2018 17:27

@BiddyPop I totally agree. Some people are so rude and pushy, I wouldn't dream of keep nagging someone after they said they were busy. It doesn't matter what they were doing the point is they don't want to see you at that time so why would you want to be there?????

raisedbyguineapigs · 06/02/2018 17:27

Blimey! 35 with a wife and child? You may want to see your adult child on his birthday, but Id assume (and want) him to spend it with his wife! Why cant they post the card or drop it through the letterbox for him to have on the day, but then give him the present at the weekend? I've only got a posted card and a cheque through the post since I moved out, because usually I was either spending the evening out with friends my own age or with my partner!

DenPerry · 06/02/2018 17:29

Meal and a shag is a big plan in this house, so hard to coordinate with a 3 yr old plus baby! Enjoy your evening OP Wink

whiskyowl · 06/02/2018 17:29

OP, you have a great sense of humour! I'm chuckling along to your replies on this thread. Your DH is lucky to have a wife who is so sane and can see the funny side!

Loving someone means respecting their boundaries a little, and that may mean accepting that birthday celebrations have to continue over a few days. Particularly when work and little ones are in the picture. Someone who can't see that a couple might want to have a romantic meal for two on a birthday is being fucking obtuse, tbh.

Ickyockycocky · 06/02/2018 17:30

They're his mum and dad and want to see him on his birthday. I think you are being unreasonable. In fact why don't you cook a bit more and ask them to stay for dinner.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 06/02/2018 17:31

What a shame they can take no for an answer and have now soured the mood and excitement for the tonight. I don't blame them for asking one bit if they can pop round, even asking twice is OK but at that point a civilised good person would back the fuck down.

Namechangeuser · 06/02/2018 17:31

Yanbu, you have been polite, you have offered an alternative, it should be the end of the story.

They are being very needy and not very considerate.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 06/02/2018 17:32

Arf icky... Did you miss the part about getting cosy over romantic dinner GrinGrin

Can't belive people think it's OK to rammed yourself into other people's plans

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 06/02/2018 17:32

Gobsmacked at the amount of posters who can't see how spiteful this is

Gobsmacked how inappropriate having mummy at a romantic meal would be. I mean, talk about putting you off your stroke.

Ickyockycocky · 06/02/2018 17:34

I did miss the part about getting cosy. However, they aren't just "other people" they are his mum and dad.

Imagine a time when you want to see your son on his birthday and his wife won't let you.

Graphista · 06/02/2018 17:36

Agree you told her too much - just for future reference BECAUSE of what she's like better to say something like "no can't do that day we've made plans to celebrate on our own"' they didn't need to know those plans were taking place at home.

Regarding the bil/sil dinner again for future ref don't go unless it's the bil/sil have invited you, that must have been so embarrassing and bil/sil must have been livid with them. What are people that do this shit thinking?? (My mum not QUITE that bad)

Geez you're reaching!
"And they can't spend the evening together and have sex on any other night of the year then?" Why on EARTH should a 35 year old married man not be able to celebrate his birthday with his WIFE the way and on the day he wishes?

"Made plans? A meal and sex. Like I said it's not like that couldn't happen any other night of the year. They're not exactly huge plans, are they?" By that argument there's also NO reason in laws can't pop round to deliver card/prezzie any OTHER day up to say a week either side of his birthday too - which op and dh have offered them the chance to do this weekend AND invited them to dinner. Nothing wrong with that at all.

A few pps (who are not much older than me) need to do some reading on enmeshment! And consider their own boundaries with their adult DC.

chocatoo · 06/02/2018 17:39

I suspect when your DD is 35 you will still hope to see her on her birthday...would it really be that hard to be gracious?

TheHolidayArmadillo · 06/02/2018 17:39

His wife won't let you

Maybe he fancies a shag more than he fancies seeing his mum after work?

Helendee · 06/02/2018 17:43

Why can't parents come before the meal?
I haven't got time to go through the thread again.

whiskyowl · 06/02/2018 17:44

"A few pps (who are not much older than me) need to do some reading on enmeshment!"

I was actually going to suggest Freud on the Jocasta complex. There are undertones in a lot of posts from mothers of sons on here.

BewareOfDragons · 06/02/2018 17:45

They're his mum and dad and want to see him on his birthday. I think you are being unreasonable. In fact why don't you cook a bit more and ask them to stay for dinner.*

*ickycocky, you must be joking. Or the MIL.

OP does not have to do more work and feed the inlaws now because she's having a snit that her 35 year old son isn't having her round on HIS birthday. Knowing she's been invited round for a meal at the weekend.

HE said no. SHE said no. Inlaws are completely unreasonable and ridiculous for carrying on about their lack of invite.

whiskyowl · 06/02/2018 17:45

Freud? What am I talking about! I mean Reik. It's been a long day and I need gin.

Graphista · 06/02/2018 17:49

"I was actually going to suggest Freud on the Jocasta complex. There are undertones in a lot of posts from mothers of sons on here." Well quite, I suspect that and enmeshment is behind a lot of mil issues.

And yes reik or de Saussure

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