Another in-law one...

[forfuxache]

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

And tbf it isn't like the OP has planned some big night out etc for her H's birthday. It's just a meal indoors. One that could happen any night of the week. Gobsmacked at the amount of posters who can't see how spiteful this is.

Tell them you've got a surprise for them and that's why you want to see them at the weekend.

Your mistake was telling her anything other than "No, that does not work for us". As soon as you start making "excuses" (in her mind) and telling her why it's a no, you have opened up a conversation and bullies (which is what MIL is) will try and break down your reasons. She doesn't care if you're eating, they won't stop long, etc.

You are telling her too much! Start treating her as an acquaintance, start distancing yourself. The answer is no. Full stop.

Oh, and if she turns up anyway, do not answer the door. The day you say no but you open the door, you have just told her she rules you.

We all rocked up to the restaurant an hour away (me, DH, PILs and DHs late grandmother) and BIL was gobsmacked and I could tell not happy to see us. The restaurant were accommodating and got us seated but I was mortified.

Sorry but this is hilarious!! His parents are being unreasonable and not respecting your status as a married couple. How would they cope if you were going away for his birthday?? You have been more than accommodating my offering them the weekend instead.

Don't give in and enjoy your evening.

Fair enough but I would say pop round no probs but we have firm plans for 8. I just couldn't envisage telling my in laws that they couldn't pop round on Dhs birthday and I would go mad if he did the same to me.

They’re going to turn up anyway so open the door panting and in a state of Déshabillez, possibly slightly smeared with dessert, and clutching a sex toy.

Gobsmacked at the amount of posters who can't see how spiteful this is. Crikey!

So a husband and wife want to spend a night in, nice meal and sex afterwards and that is spiteful?

Whilst I admit I have grown less so with age, that means I was extremely spiteful in my 20s and 30s

Oh @Goldmonday it wasn't funny at the time. For shame! We do laugh about it between the 4 of us now, and the following Christmas DH and I bought BIL and SIL a voucher for dinner at the restaurant so they could have their meal for two. That went down well, and raised a smile

And they can't spend the evening together and have sex on any other night of the year then?

I'm almost 28 and haven't seen my parents on my actual birthday (or theirs!) in years. Is that not fairly normal? We generally make plans for the weekend closest to the actual date and have a meal, hand over gifts, etc.

OP, I am sure it has crossed your mind that you and MIL are both in danger of becoming a bit entrenched about it but, really? A husband and wife want to spend a night in and have made other, family arrangements for a birthday celebration... MIL really should back off and allow that her little boy is now a full grown man!

Dh is 50 and PILs always call on his birthday. He's not particularly bothered to see them but it's important to them so they slot in with whatever we're doing. No biggie. It's just one day after all.

And they can't spend the evening together and have sex on any other night of the year then? You're not suggesting they must ask MILs permission, just in case she want to visit, are you

But I thought OP had explained that... she has made plans, they are both looking forward to their evening in... as adults they are allowed to make such decisions and any and every body else really should be able to accept that!

How is "we have plans for tonight" not acceptable for some people?

Whether that is "just" a meal at home, or a dinner in a restaurant, or a night away - all are plans that an adult has made and that the adult should be allowed to enjoy!

A regular Tuesday night dinner of leftover curry defrosted and served with freshly cooked boiled rice is a bit different to a Romantic Birthday 3 course dinner of the birthday person's favourites (with the added extra course ).

Then again, in our house, romantic dinners are often home cooked meals with the DC in bed. Rather than going out to a restaurant or a hotel break. Because it suits us, we both like cooking, and we are both decent cooks so can make a very nice meal, in comfortable surroundings, that we can enjoy, and relax in rather than paying a fortune for mediocre food and other people bothering us.

Maybe I am just odd.

(Although neither my DPs, nor even DMIL who is more involved in DH's life than he'd like, would dream of invading a "night in" that we had planned like this - there are plenty of other nights for them to see us and they all know how mad busy our lives are so a special night mid-week would definitely be respected!).

I must be an awful Mum as I quite often don't see my children on their birthdays.
I see them all every Sunday so we tend to do presents/cards on the Sunday before and they are with their spouse/child on their actual birthdays.

Am I going straight to bad Mum hell? Have I committed a terrible sin?

YANBU you both told them no. You gave them a time when you could all have dinner together. That should be the end of it really.

And people NEVER stay for half an hour when they drop off gifts. Especially not people who have demanded to be there despite being told you have other plans.

Made plans? A meal and sex. Like I said it's not like that couldn't happen any other night of the year. They're not exactly huge plans, are they?

"don’t think it’s unreasonsble to want to see your son on his birthday" it IS weird to be so insistent when he's 35 and married with child no 2 on the way and NOT be taking his wife's hint that they want a PRIVATE celebration. Hard to feel amorous when your parents have just been round banging on about their bunions or next door not cutting the hedge!

"He is their child and it would be nice for them to see their child" their offspring yes but ffs he's 35 he's allowed to spend it as he wishes.

"Sorry but YABU. It's their sons birthday. Doesn't everyone want to see their dc on their birthday?" Once they're grown adults with DC of their own? No it really shouldn't be a big deal.

"They won't stay now you've told them you are cooking a supper for him." 😂 clearly no experience of parents with no boundaries.

"People who are lucky enough not to have boundary challenged members of their family don't realise how lucky they are." Exactly, my parents are like this. Mum is unbelievably dense at taking hints and a nightmare for turning up HOURS later than she says she will - total pain!

"Umm - I would let them pop over for 30 mins. It's your DH birthday. Let him have his card and gift and politely usher them out" op has already said this is highly unlikely. Given they are incapable of taking a simple "no" they're likely to be the type that will stay Blethering even if dh falls asleep on the sofa!

Lot of people missing the point that the dh - who's birthday and parents it is - DOESN'T want them to come round. They're being rude and disrespectful to their own supposedly precious son

People suggesting they drop in earlier, that's likely to wake the toddler up and kill the mood or mess with her meal timings or getting ready. What if she is planning to serve dinner in her sexy stuff? Why on earth does a 35 year old man need his presents from parents on the actual day? Very odd.

Unless you are actually the parent to an adult I doubt you know what it feels like to not see your child on their birthday. Afterall it's quite an anniversary for me too, the day I became a Mum with one, and an overwhelmed Mum of two with the other. What memories.
I rarey see my adult sons on the day and I wouldn't push it if I were the MIL however.
Today is second Ds's birthday, I never expected to see him, I had seen him at the weekend, but he dropped by after lunch and I was happy to see him and his partner.

The problem is that you don't feel any different about your kids when they're 35 than you do when they're 5! You love them just the same.
I know you make sure their primary family come first but I don't see the harm in literally giving them 30 minutes to spend with their son. In fact I find it sad that they have to ask for permission.
Compromise is the answer surely?

They are pretty much about as huge as our plans get these days @GreatDuckCookery with a toddler, another one on the way and with me being a SAHM so on one income!

Ironically, its duck I'm cooking tonight.

I'm the parent to three adults and one teenager. Nice to see them on their birthday but if they have plans they have plans.

"And people NEVER stay for half an hour when they drop off gifts."

That's the problem, isn't it?

If they really only would stay until the meal would be ready I would think why on earth not say that it's Ok to come round?

Duck The point is they can do what the fuck they like, can say no, just because!

And OP did give more info in her first post that explains that, whilst you may not think it is any big deal, between a commute, a toddler, a new pregnancy and her feeling tired, OP does set some store by this evening.

That is enough for it to be a big enough deal for her and her DH.

Anyone elses opinion is of no consequence whatsoever!