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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another in-law one...

443 replies

forfuxache · 06/02/2018 15:52

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

OP posts:
SmurfOrTerf · 06/02/2018 16:39

Cods her DH doesn't want them to come round tonight

Annwithnoe · 06/02/2018 16:40

Bat it back to your DH whose job it is to deal with his parents. It’s his birthday so let him choose whether he wants to have sex or entertain his parents.

Or
See this as a tiresome but essential part of your pil’s education and answer the door in your lingerie and entertain them with perfect dignity while toying with the furry handcuffs. They won’t do this next year.

SweetMoon · 06/02/2018 16:41

YANBU. You've made it very clear you have a romantic evening planned, and with a toddler those are few and far between! And you've made the effort of planning a 3 course meal. Don't worry about it, just enjoy your evening and deal with her afterwards. She is acting very childish!

Oh and make sure you lock the door in case she just pops round anyway! And I hope your toddler plays ball and sleeps like a log all night too!

Original poster
forfuxache · 06/02/2018 16:41

DH can't go to them on his way home. He has an hour and a half commute as it is, and they are fifteen minutes further on still past our house. Besides which he doesn't want to go anywhere after work, he's usually done in by the one he gets home.

They won't just turn up, I'm sure of it. They aren't that awful! More likely MIL will just have a huge sulk and slag me off to SIL, who will try to nicely tell her off a bit. MIL has form for this - when BIL told them he'd booked a table for lunch for SILs 30th a few years back they assumed the invite was for everyone a family meal. Despite he fact that he said it was for the two of them. We all rocked up to the restaurant an hour away (me, DH, PILs and DHs late grandmother) and BIL was gobsmacked and I could tell not happy to see us. The restaurant were accommodating and got us seated but I was mortified. We rang BIL to apologise as soon as we got home, and explained that his parents had invited us! It was awful. We laugh about it now but it wasn't funny at the time. They didn't do it deliberately or out of spite, just assumed that a 'for two' event was for them too!

OP posts:
diddl · 06/02/2018 16:42

"Doesn't everyone want to see their dc on their birthday?"

I can't imagine a time when I won't want to see my "kids" (20 & 21) on their birthdays.

Whether or not it will always work out is of course another matter.

"DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? "

They seem to think that it's not his idea to not see them, don't they?

JaneEyre70 · 06/02/2018 16:43

Just print this post out OP and read it when your future DIL/SILs won't let you see your DCs on their birthdays as they have plans. And remember you didn't see an issue with it.

They are his parents. And have known him and loved him longer than you have.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 06/02/2018 16:45

Why cant he pop to theirs on way home?

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 06/02/2018 16:46

Oh sorry just saw your comnent!

alwaysthepessimist · 06/02/2018 16:46

Tell DH to call in to see them on the way home from work - then tell him he has to be home by 8pm for meal to begin

SmurfOrTerf · 06/02/2018 16:47

Didl wait till they are a bit older. If I see my kids on their birthday its because they are dropping off the GC's so they can go out

timeisnotaline · 06/02/2018 16:47

I have two siblings with very close birthdays to mine- Mum often covers us all with one group text Smile YANBU!

LucilleBluth · 06/02/2018 16:48

Wait a minute, they asked to see their son on his birthday....he deferred to the op, the op said no. Am I getting this right. They are not allowed to pop round with a card for him.

I must live on another planet, is your DH your child, would you have pulled the shits if he said that they could come round....are you very controlling of him in other areas. How weird.

Bringmewineandcake · 06/02/2018 16:49

They asked, you both have said no.
Totally NBU Smile

TitaniasCloset · 06/02/2018 16:50

If they come round too early then you risk having them wake your ds up too, which ruins your plans. Yanbu she is rude to insist.

DameGlitterSparkles · 06/02/2018 16:50

My MIL could never give a fuck about my DH and always suited me just fine. We are now NC tho because she's toxic and FIL is a perve 🤢

starrysights · 06/02/2018 16:52

Why can't they come 7:30-8 - he can entertain them while you finish up in the kitchen?

Only1scoop · 06/02/2018 16:52

'Why can't they come 7:30-8 - he can entertain them while you finish up in the kitchen?'

Sounds like a plan

UserSnoozer · 06/02/2018 16:52

I would send a text saying your example about the sofa. What can she say to that 😂

Original poster
forfuxache · 06/02/2018 16:52

@LucilleBluth no I am not controlling! Seriously? He only checked with me because he thought (correctly) that I'd have something planned. I said no because I've planned and made a big effort to have a romantic evening for two at home - at which it's not appropriate or wanted to have his parents here!

Fail to see how that's controlling to be honest. Don't mind people disagreeing with me at all, but controlling? Nah.

OP posts:
elmerismyfave · 06/02/2018 16:53

@JaneEyre70 well that probably won't be a problem for op because she sounds like a reasonable, normal person.

Sure, everyone would probably like to see their adult dc on their birthday but sulking when they have plans with their wife is really pathetic. She's hardly told them they're never seeing him again!!! Smile

expatinscotland · 06/02/2018 16:54

'They are his parents. And have known him and loved him longer than you have.'

And their son told them he had other plans for this birthday Hmm.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2018 16:55

He told them he had other plans after running it by his wife first.

SmurfOrTerf · 06/02/2018 16:56

Lucille the DH asked the OP -because he thought she might have planned something. She has planned something, and so invited them for a meal at the weekend - she's not controlling.
Have a great night OP

diddl · 06/02/2018 16:58

It could work though if they pop in & leave before the meal.

I wouldn't necessarily call cooking a meal for someone at home having plans so that nothing else can happen.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 06/02/2018 16:58

Surely the op surrounded by ils will kill the mood she has bubbling for later?? Blush
Your mil is trying to make a point of being the priority in her ds life. She ain't so don't be afraid to put your foot down.

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