Another in-law one...

[forfuxache]

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

Radio...

Possibly, I don't know lol.
What is important is being asked if you would like to go out.

Helendee. Possibly? So if my PIL were not able to come out for their GC's birthday, then they are possibly not in a loving family?

My PIL don't invite their GC to their birthday evening meals. We must be from an unloving family.

Glad of that update OP. At least your DHs phone was ringing so hopefully he will have the sulk to deal with(not that there should be any sulk but you know what I mean).

My DD and DDIL ask me and DH to take days off work on our grandchildrens' birthdays so that we can all go out together for a special day.
I thought that was pretty normal in a loving family.

Oh the Mumsnet fantasy workplace where everyone can get time off whenever they want, there's always a HR Department, ability to work flexibly and from home.

Teachers, doctors, politicians, carers, armed forces, firefighters... all jobs that can't be picked up and put down to accommodate family birthdays.

OP, YANBU. You know that. Use this as a chance to challenge your MIL on her silly tantrums and it won't get better.

OP did your parents see you and the baby after she was born or were they told to stay away because you'd had a rough birth?

I'd like to know that too GreatDuck.

As I said a few posts below - my mum popped in for about 20 minutes one day with a bag of shopping and a couple of personal items that I wouldn't have wanted to ask anyone else to get for me. Other than that we didn't see anyone but HCPs for a few days. It was the best thing for us, and I don't regret it one bit.

Both sets of parents and our siblings visited once each in hospital so all of our immediate family met DD within 3 days of her birth. Then yes, they were all asked to give us a bit of space for a few days. MIL was the only one to have an issue with this.

My next birth is going to be an ELCS (because of previous issues) and however I'm feeling afterwards I'm planing to have the same few visitors in hospital (if they wish to come of course) and then a few days to ourselves when we get home.

Once my brothers and I had each moved out of the family home, our birthdays would be celebrated with our parents and siblings at whichever close weekend was most convenient for us all. Generally, it simply meant mum cooking a large Sunday Lunch according to the request of the birthday person. Family friends were often invited too.

We did all go back for a good feed and to enjoy being together every Sunday anyway, as we all lived in different parts of London and the parents lived in the suburbs, so it was easy.

I don't understand why it's so important for parents to still expect to see their children on the actual day, especially when the child is in their 30s, that just seems ridiculous and infantilising. I wouldn't do that to dd, I want her to enjoy herself with whoever she chooses on her birthday, and it would be nice for me if she came home sometime near her birthday when we can give her her presents and spoil her a bit.

FFS, this "in laws should have equal priority" stuff is bullshit.

The people who have priority when a new mother is feeling unwell are those who are kind, supportive, loving and whose presence helps her to recover. They might be parents, they might be parents-in-law.

The idea that women should just suck up a ton of shit in the name of some false "equality" between families is crap. You reap what you sow in human relationships. If you're a shit parent, or parent-in-law, don't expect to be prioritised.

Ok thanks for clearing that up. I can see why MIL might be upset when she knew your mum had been though. Although I do understand why you'd want to limit visitors too.

When you say she had a tantrum how do you mean? To me a tantrum is screaming and crying. Surely it wasn't that? Or was she a bit hufffy?

I remember this argument years ago with my MIL. In our case, we were actually going out and she became very emotional because she couldn’t see DH on his birthday. Drama and tears, other members of the family were dragged into the argument and it was all blamed on me for coming between mother and son.

Strangely, she wasn’t bothered enough for him to pop in on the way to work, or to spend his lunch hour with her. No, it had to be at the time of her choosing or he didn’t love her enough

It’s been so peaceful since she moved miles away...

Well, she didn't know my mum had been anyway because we didn't mention it. It wasn't a 'visit' as such, she rang and asked if we needed anything. We did, so she went and got it all and dropped it off. Made me and DH a sandwich and a cup of tea, had a quick squeeze of DD and left.

When I saw tantrum, I mean she rang DH to ask if she could come round the day after we got home, DH said it'd be lovely to see her, but in a few days please as we weren't well and were resting, trying to establish BF etc and she cried, said it wasn't fair and that she had only met the baby once and she was 'over a week old now!'. She then was very short with him and ended the call very abruptly.

Tantrummy enough for you? When coming from a grown woman in her sixties, not a six year old?

I think the word tantrum is unfair, yes. Although I do agree that she shouldn't have been off with you and made you feel uncomfortable.

I suppose I'm just going off my experience which maybe wrong of me. When my dc were born the PILs and other family members came to the hospital and then to visit the day we came home. I had a horrendous birth with the last one especially and was very tired so excuses myself and took the baby to bed for a sleep.

Different strokes and all that I guess.

Excused*

I think it is wrong of you Duck since we are all different and have different births.

There are probably things I did with my births that you wouldn’t choose for yourself, but that doesn’t mean I should judge you or that you were wrong.

We are all different yes. I still think not allowing your PILs to have even a quick visit in over a week when a new baby has been born is a little harsh.

@GreatDuckCookery the same as you think a grown woman expects to take priority in her grown up son's life? As I said I'm guessing yours are still quite young which would explain your judgement that 'mummy comes first' I guess?

Can't comment on op's mil of course but my mum has been known to stand crying and stamping her feet like a 2 year old when not got her way - she's nearly 70!

@Graphista lol! Mine too!!!

Well you'd be wrong in your assumption ginger.

Fucking unreal! I'm pretty well versed in managing her usually. Doesn't help that sister (gc) gives in to her every demand so also forever getting "well your sister wouldn't mind" 🙄

Greatduck you've been quite cagey about how old yours are, you don't have to say of course but given how insistent you've been in the tone of your posts it's intriguing to say the least.

@greatduckcookery you would hate me then, we didn't see anyone for 10 days, not even a quick visit at the hospital, and refused to tell anyone when I was in labour. All family, not just pil.

I don't regret it for 1 second and plan exactly the same thing when ds arrives in a few weeks.

It was a magically although stressful 10 days bonding as our new family of 3. We saw people when we felt ready.

@whiskyowl couldn't agree with you more. It's a load of bollocks!!

I'd had a major haemorrhage after emergency surgery post birth and my heart rate/blood pressure was going mad which was a serious concern of the doctors, the last person I would have wanted to see at that point is my overbearing MIL, who would instantly set my pulse racing in that scenario. Purely because of her previous actions. Plus it's not uncommon to feel very vulnerable after birth! Why do it to yourself for the sake of some "unwritten rule"

Put it this way Graphita after being on MN forever and reading how much MILs are despised I can say hand in heart that I am one that doesn't ask any questions, offer any advice, be there when requested and generally just smile and nod. Funnily enough I get on just fine with my DIL.