Another in-law one...

[forfuxache]

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

If it was that kind of noise I'd give them a round of applause.

I hope you had a lovely evening.

Missing the point of thread but if they live 15 mins from you could they not have delivered card and gift yesterday so your DH had it for today ? Or failing that drop it off at the weekend so he had it in time ?

Yanbu. I knew everything l néed to know about your Mil when she said 'l don't mind if you're eating'.
I absolutely hate this and especially when it's a carefully prepared meal that takes a good bit of effort and not just say fish and chips in paper or pizza on your lap or a sandwich.
I call it 'like feeding time at the zoo' whenever there's a chance of it happening here. It's usually my adult SS here though not my Mil and if he's here for an hour whilst the meal being prepared he will then simply move to the dining table and sit with us whilst we eat (he's just had his dinner usually at his grans) it's the reason we usually go away for Xmas and l rarely cook Sunday dinners unless it's guaranteed we will have no interruptions.
I was brought up that it's basic manners and it was drummed into me that if anyone started serving up a meal you made your excuses and left.

If you don't feel like entertaining at home, then you shouldn't have to, no excuses needed. Your DH should have firmly told them no and made it out as if it was his sole decision.
If they live close by, then can't he pop over to theirs on his way home from work and pick up the present? He would be able to better control the time then.
My husband always goes home to see his parents on his birthday and I don't mind at all. I would probably mind a bit more if they came over instead, and I actually get on really well with them.

OP already said that's not a possibility because of the length of his commute. Doing that would add 30 mins to already long 1.5 hour journey.

@forfuxache YANBU she sounds pushy and inconsiderate mike my MIL. Rude to keep pushing after you have said no and were considerate enough to offer them round at another time!

Awful. PILs or anyone else - I just hate it when people persistently try and change your plans by suggesting something different and then arguing or 'finding solutions' when you gently push back.

If I ask someone if they want to do something and they tell me they have plans and suggest an alternative, I would never try and push them to re-organise the original plans. If they want to include you then they would offer to do so. To try and hijack the original arrangement is just rude and puts people in an awful position.

It is them putting their needs before yours and having no consideration over what your preferences are.

I'm a bit shocked at the people who think it is a parent's right to gatecrash their adult child's birthday celebration

Coyoacan I know, they are going to be such awful MILs if they're not already!

My MIL uses the following to try and gatecrash stuff:

telling me ("We are coming on Saturday")
fait acompli ("But it's already been arrange, everyone is coming")
emotional blackmail ("SIL's children will cry if they can't see you")
financial blackmail ("We've already booked the tickets, you'll owe is £74 if we can't come")
anger (Sets FIL on me to tell me that "We're bloody coming, you can't stop us")
outright lies ("I told you days ago")
passive aggression ("My friend X always sees her son on his birthday, she says her DIL is really nice")
illness card (Gets FIL to ring and announce "MIL is really ill now, you've made her ill")

etc.

What I don't understand is why she keeps persisting when it is obvious she is not wanted (DH doesn't get on with her, she isn't a very nice person). She only starts a fight when she does visit. You'd think she'd have more pride.

So op, did they come and join the party?

Tistheseason17 Wow yourself. I think there have been quite a few passive aggressive comments from the OP actually.

She mentions getting a snotty text from MIL, that MIL no doubt slag her off to SIL and that MIL gets huffy when she doesn't get to have her share of babysitting. Even though she offered to babysit next week when the OP goes out but the dc will be in bed.

There's an undercurrent from the OP that says she doesn't really like MIL even though she says that her and FIL are great grandparents.

Sounds like both the OP and MIL are in a battle of wills to me.

I'm not sure why they are texting you in the first place? Surely they should be texting their son, you're not his manager/pa? It is also a bit rude to keep insisting despite you saying no.

However, it isn't unreasonable to want to see their child on his birthday. Think about if you weren't able to see your child on their birthday? I also don't think it's unreasonable to want to see their grandchild either - she shouldn't have had a tantrum about it if you weren't well, but had they even see them yet?!

Kids birthday isn't about what grandma wants grandma gets - it's their day

What a weird attitude. In most families I know the wicked Grandma is invited to join in whatever is happening that day for the child's birthday.

Can't imagine being this hostile and mean spirited. Can't be good for your well being.

Greatduck.....is there only one grandma in your family? How do you go about inviting and taking two grandma's and two grandads out with you for the day? Can't? Ahhhh I see, that's why you don't invite in the first place. Simply not practical. Especially when there is some travel involved between the two sets of grandparents. If you do that it becomes all about the Grandparents, not the child. My parents only ever expected one thing of the birthday child..that they had a good day. They didn't expect to be visited or to come out with you. And they certainly didn't gatecrash the day.

Update:

We had a lovely evening and all went to plan, although DH got stuck in traffic on the way home and didn't get in until ten to eight, so it's a good job he ILs didn't pop in for 'half and hour'.

Dinner at 8, bit of chill out time together watching telly and tucked up in bed by half 10. Perfect evening, and most importantly DH loved it. PILs did ring DHs phone several times at 8:30 but it didn't disturb us because the phone was in his bag.

No moaning has reached my ears yet but no doubt it will.

Some people seem to be under the impression that DH actually wanted his parent here and the big bad wife said no. Not the case. He checked with me if I'd made plans, I had, so he was quite happy to go with my plans and see his parents at the weekend. There was no 'fighting over him' 🙄

To address a an incorrect assumption from one or two PP:

I don't dislike my ILs. I actually get on with them, day to day, very well and I care about them. However, they (particularly MIL) do push the boundaries and overstep sometimes. So yes when that happens I'll put my foot down. It's happened once or twice before, and MIL had always had a tantrum. They don't provide 'free childcare', nor is there an expectation for them to. I'm a SAHM so I rarely need a babysitter but on the odd occasion they do look after DD they are normally battling it out with my DM to have their turn.

As for DD's birthday, we don't normally see any of her GPs on the actual day although she's only had one birthday so far. Last year we had a family day out just the three of us to a farm and arranged a small tea and cake thing at ours that weekend. I would dream of asking people to use their precious AL for my child's birthday although PILs are retired. My parents are not. This year DDs birthday falls on a bank holiday, and it'll be a nightmare trying to get anywhere locally so we're actually having a family thing at ours (everyone is local so no travel issues) on the day and a day out the following week just the three of us.

My parents are dead so yes it's just one set of grandparents. We've invited them to numerous places and events for the DC's birthdays. If they were having a party at home they and the rest of the family are invited and if we're eating out at a restaurant PIL would be invited too. They don't always come and that's fine but if they want to then they can.

Also..what happens when the grandchildren start school? And they want a meal out with friends afterwards it to go to a playbarns? How would you be expected to fit a visit to all the Grandparents then? Isn't that when they fit in with you and make sure the child gets present/card in the days or weeks before or after? We had an aunty who demanded to come round on Easter bank holiday Monday to bring eggs and see the children...so the children missed out on a day out on a bank holiday. Family needs to fit in with you when you have children.

@IHATEPeppaPig on the occasion where MIL had a tantrum because we asked them to wait to visit for a day or two after me and DD got out of hospital when she was born and I was really unwell, yes they had met her. They came to visit us in hospital when she was 2 days old. We were in hospital for a week before we got let out, and all I wanted (needed!) to go was get home, rest and bond with my baby. I'd just had emergency surgery and DD wasn't feeding well at all (later turned out she had awful silent reflux).

So no, I don't think we were unreasonable asking for a day or two to settle in at home and get better. The only people we saw for a few days were the HCPs that came and my mum for about twenty minutes when she came to drop off a bag of groceries (and some lactulose, which I wouldn't really have wanted to ask anyone else to get!!).

MIL did apologise after that incident though.

@TabbyMumz I've read most of your replies on this thread and I have to say, you don't seem very reasonable.

I don't particularly like my MIL (overbearing etc.) however, wanting to see their child on their birthday who they gave birth to isn't unreasonable (although insisting after being told no isn't on) and GPs wanting to see the kids on their birthdays isn't unreasonable either - obviously if you have plans that's fine but it isn't an unreasonable request.

Pp who said 'my husband prefers me' - errrm well, that maybe the case in their relationship but it's not love top trumps - I'm sure he loves his mother equally but in a different way. I don't love my DM less just because I have a DP and kids.

As usual people are talking about their experience only and the ones that have nice relatives get all "you should..." over the ones that have nasty relatives.

Don't you get it? Some people have nasty parents/grandparents who will come to the party to wreck it. People don't want them there. Some people have parents/grandparents who aren't aggressive but are overbearing and will take over the party. Whatever, it doesn't matter. If people aren't invited then they shouldn't try and bully their way in.

Those that have been brainwashed brought up differently, enjoy your mother when she turns up, but don't tell others they have to put up with the bullies.

@forfuxache well then yes, they were BVU in that case!!

Glad you had a good evening

Helendee. If the GP cannot take a day off work to spend the day with their GC, are they not part of a normal loving family?

but it isn't an unreasonable request

OP knows the requests isn't unreasonable - it's the not accepting No and badgering she finds annoying