Another in-law one...

[forfuxache]

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

Why?

Thedowager.....yes that can be unreasonable if you want to take them out for their birthday. Usually parents get the pleasure of their children when they are young, the Grandparents have had their time with theirs, they need to but out now. My MIL expected to see her grandchild on their birthday, however I expected to spend all day as a family going out and about. If you ferry children round Grandparents on their birthdays, they are not getting much of a fun day are they! It's the child's birthday, not the selfish Grandparents who demand to see them.

Why do they need to see them on their birthdays anyway? Do they look any different to the day before or day after?

@GreatDuckCookery Wow, Just...well, wow.
Not sure how you've RTFT and concluded the OP is a PA PIL hating DIL.
The DH checked what plans were with his wife - this is normal behaviour. Has it crossed your mind that DH is using OP as the excuse to not have his patents there as he also wants a romantic night..undisturbed by parents watching them eat and whatever...
Good on you, OP.
Shame on the domineering PA MIL who couldn't wait a few days and it was the MIL who wants to control, not OP..

Then she will expect to see the grandchildren on their birthdays too. It will never end. Stand firm Op. Your family now, your rules

Bloody hell! Is this for real? Do people really think like this?

Jesus Christ I realise just how lucky I am. My DD and DDIL ask me and DH to take days off work on our grandchildrens' birthdays so that we can all go out together for a special day.
I thought that was pretty normal in a loving family.

There's a happy medium between 'Jocasta Complex' and 'your family, your rules'. And the happy medium is 'come round for dinner at the weekend'.

Hi OP
YANBU they are.
Stick to your guns,this is your special time.
Have a lovely evening

OP, YANBU.
Hope you're having a lovely evening.

@GreatDuckCookery it would just be interesting to know if you are at the beginning of your journey with your children or if you've come out the other side and have seen their development all the way through to adulthood. Because there's a huge difference in perspective from both vantage points.

@Helendee can i ask, do the other grandparents go along as well? so your child, their DH, grandchild(ren), and all 4 grandparents?

I only ask out of nosiness :).

Both my parents and DHs are remarried so 8 grandparents. Some dont get on (ex couples). We have never done the "big day out together" and do separate ones. it works for us. However on birthdays and Christmas morning its just me, DH & DDs. Christmas from 12 we host dinner and have people over until 9/10pm. But the morning is just ours. All grandparents have always been 100% fine with this (all have other grandchildren anyway so arrange their days)

@Helendee, and, in response to your statement, I dont have any friends who do birthdays out with the grandparents. Days around it yes or meals. Also "happy" families, but just dont do that day. You are very lucky to be so included and involved :)

YANBU. I'D be seriously unimpressed at them messaging you after your DH had already said no. That's why my MIL doesn't have my number .

Why do they need to see them on their birthdays anyway? Do they look any different to the day before or day after?

You're being ridiculous - I can practically see your catsbum expression from here! 😂

Why do you want to see your DC on their birthday - do they look any different to he day before or day after?

Hi SockUnicorn

We are the only grandparents to both sets of our grandchildren. We are a close family and I do appreciate I am very fortunate but if my children make different plans ( as they occasionally do) that's fine too.
I think give and take is the only answer.

Crikey there are a lot of parent and parent-in-law hating people on here!! I actually like spending time with my Mum and Dad... and shock horror, my MIL too. They care about us and they are there for us, they are generous and fun. Maybe there are odd times that it's not wildly convenient to have them stay but I love them so I put up with it with good grace. We usually have a great time anyway.
My MIL always comes for my DDs birthday - she's a massive help and I'm usually grateful she's there! She wouldn't miss it for the world.
In my experience you reap what you sow: both they and we make an effort to and our relationship works and is harmonious. It's not all plain sailing but we all care about each other.
It seems such a shame that there has to be a fight over a husband/son and who should be his first priority. A MIL can be a tremendous ally to a wife.

@Helendee I do think its harder when theres 4 (or 8!) grandparents. Everything has to be "fair". :). Definitely give and take though, as you say.

I am very lucky to have a fantastic MIL. She helps me out and I help her. She is actually coming on holiday with us in a few months. However its also DHs birthday in April and I know she wouldnt even ask to come over. She sees us one afternoon a week anyway and would make sure he had his gifts the one before his birthday. If his birthday fell on that afternoon we would see her.

A MIL can be a tremendous ally to a wife.

Absolutely. Just not when said wife fancies a shag with MIL's DS.

Sock it sounds as if you have it cracked for your own family and I'm glad you are all happy.

You're right, it would be difficult if there were more but the downside is that our grandchildren don't have more grandparents to love them.

Thank you for the flowers by the way. 😀

Enjoy your dinner op

Grandma wants to see her grandchildren on their birthday shocker

Guess what? If the kids want a party with friends we do that - thenbhave a family tea later

Kids birthday isn't about what grandma wants grandma gets - it's their day

In this case it's DHs day and he wants a meal and a shag - his choice!!! He doesn't want his mother spoiling the ambiance.....

She's been told no and then sends messages suggesting she's his mother and therefore what she wants is the most important when actually no ....

I'm 50 on my next birthday and my mum still loves to see me on my birthday and I love to see her too.

Well that's choice, isn't it? We all choose different things.

Oops, sorry if that sounded abrasive. The neighbours are being annoyingly loud.

Are you OPs neighbour?