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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this neglect?!

132 replies

RubaDubMum89 · 06/02/2018 07:10

I'd like people's opinions on this please, I've simplified it as much as possible to keep the post short.

I'm currently working on a craft project to give a family member as a birthday present (little girl, turning 11).

DD is 14 months old.

Now, through the day, whilst DD is pottering about playing etc I'll sit at the dining room table (I've a large through room so I can see into the living room and vice versa) and work on the book, I've always got 1.5 eyes on her and talk to her etc whilst I'm doing it.

If DD needs me, I'll go see to her. If she wants attention, I stop and play with her etc until she's had enough of me. She's fed, changed and watered and perfectly safe and happy - in my opinion.

However, soon to be EXDP (this is for another thread, but, my ducks are getting lined up) thinks that this is neglect... He's been saying (repeatedly) over the past few days "don't neglect her", "make sure you don't neglect her", "you should do that whilst she's asleep", "you can't do that and watch DD at the same time".

I could list all my arguments about why he's wrong, but, I want an uninfluenced opinion from people.

AIBU and neglecting DD?

OP posts:
purpleandyellowcrocus3 · 06/02/2018 07:12

It definitely isn't neglect but I would probably try to take her out a bit more if you want my honest opinion.

BrawneLamia · 06/02/2018 07:12

It depends how much time you are spending on it. Are you still taking her out to places?

Thiswayorthatway · 06/02/2018 07:13

Sounds fine to me.

InionEile · 06/02/2018 07:16

If he's so worried about her welfare, why doesn't he take care of her himself?

I'm just impressed that you have a 14-month old who isn't whining and hanging onto your legs every second of the day so you can get something done. If she's happy then I don't see what the problem is.

Why does your partner get to set the standards? It's one thing if he has a discussion with you about what your joint parenting goals are but picking at what you are doing and criticizing and trying to dictate standards to you is ridiculous. I can see why he is your STBEXP.

Thereshegoesagain · 06/02/2018 07:16

It’s totally fine and don’t bother responding to the ‘ get her out more’ replies.
All these MN supermums are quite vomit inducing.

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2018 07:16

It’s not neglect. But if your priority is an optional craft project not a 14 month old then that’s not right. How long are we talking on this project- a few hours a day for a few days, or all day for weeks?

I wouldn’t have been able to do this with either of mine - doesn’t she try to “help” you?

Primarkismyonlyoption · 06/02/2018 07:17

No.

Pengggwn · 06/02/2018 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Afreshcuppateaplease · 06/02/2018 07:18

No its fine. Its no different to pottering about cleaning and stuff is it. I have never played with or sat with a child of that age constantly and my fourth is 15 months. Its good for them to be able to occupy theirselves for small amounts of time. As long as they are safe and needs are met i see no harm.

newdaylight · 06/02/2018 07:18

No, not neglect.

Next.

WonderLime · 06/02/2018 07:19

I don’t think it’s neglect as such, but I agree that you should be doing that whilst she is asleep.

I definitely hate the martyrdom to children thing, but at that age she needs a lot of social engagement and it would do her well to get outside. Even though you are stopping to play with her, you are still dedicating a large amount of time to a hobby and that seems unreasonable when you have a small child pottering around.

And you may be keeping an eye on her but crafting work is fiddly and needs a lot of concentration. It would be easy to miss something important.

Maybe spend more of day time doing things outside with her and spend the evenings crafting.

Ickyockycocky · 06/02/2018 07:20

It’s definitely not neglect. End of.

Pengggwn · 06/02/2018 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 06/02/2018 07:20

I don’t think it’s neglect but I wouldn’t be happy if you were doing it for hours and hours.

All these MN supermums are quite vomit inducing
I don’t think suggesting someone goes for a walk makes them a terrible ‘supermum’. That’s setting the br very low.

SnippitySnappity · 06/02/2018 07:21

No it’s not neglect - I wouldn’t take parenting advice from your ex. Are you taking her to a few groups/feed ducks/outside the house?
My younger dd is fantastic at playing on her own, she’s used to pottering about like that at nursery - it’s not so great for speech though.

Original poster
RubaDubMum89 · 06/02/2018 07:22

@purple and brawne :

We still go out to places when we can. DP has a habit of taking the pram to work with him... Alot. Plus, it's been raining here for the past 4 days or so, so we've not been very far ☹️.

I should of been clearer though, apologies, I'm referring to time when we're in the house - I'm not neglecting to do things with her outside of the house in favour of a craft project.

Also, just to add it in there - all the housework is done too! (Or what needs to be done daily at least!).

OP posts:
FrizzyNoodles · 06/02/2018 07:23

Its not neglect if youre giving her attention when she asks for it but going by what hes saying i would be wary of his future behaviour when you split up. Send him photos from activities you do with her so he knows that you are doing things with her and suggest to him that he plays with her so you can get on with your project.

WonderLime · 06/02/2018 07:23

Well, that is rather advocating martyrdom. There's nothing wrong with spending time on a hobby, providing the child is safe and happy.

Maybe I’m reading it wrong, but I got the impression that the focus is on the hobby, she stops for 5 minutes for a quick play and to get DD into a new toy and then goes back to what she is doing.

Not that she is actually marking out real time to play, and that seems like her priorities are in the wrong order.

Rumpledfaceskin · 06/02/2018 07:24

I did a lot of sewing when my dd was small and I just left her to play in the afternoons after we’d been out in the mornings. If she’s happily playing then it’s actually good for her. Children need to learnt to play independently.

FrizzyNoodles · 06/02/2018 07:25

Just read your update- when he takes the pram to work text him about it telling him it makes it difficult for you to take her out.

whywontteenswearcoats · 06/02/2018 07:25

Have you tried sitting her beside you in her high chair with some scraps of paper, crayons so she can "craft" like mummy

XmasInTintagel · 06/02/2018 07:27

Why does your partner get to set the standards? It's one thing if he has a discussion with you about what your joint parenting goals are but picking at what you are doing and criticizing and trying to dictate standards to you is ridiculous
I suspect it matter to the OP because, once they separate, he could imply that the DC was not properly cared for in any custody proceedings. I think she's fine, but the OP is sensibly checking because she wants to be sure.
Incidentally, children in a childcare setting are likely to have someone watching them (and many others), from a small distance, a lot of the time, so I can't see how this could be considered neglect. So long as you spend some time with her one to one close up, and she's happy, it sounds like everything's great :-).

Original poster
RubaDubMum89 · 06/02/2018 07:27

Also, for those that have asked: the birthday is in 1.5 weeks. I'd say, excluding DDs nap time, I maybe spend 2 hours a day on it whilst she's awake. It's a recipe book, tailored to what the girl likes with lots of stickers, so, it's not really that fiddly, just some writing, cutting and sticking.

OP posts:
ApacheEchidna · 06/02/2018 07:29

If as well as your 14mo DD you also had newborn twins, how much 1:1 attention would your 14mo DD get?

She's fine. If she wasn't you would know. Stbx is an arse.

WonderLime · 06/02/2018 07:29

Based on your update, then no, definitely not neglect.

Sorry, I got a different impression from your opening post.

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