Is this neglect?!

[RubaDubMum89]

I'd like people's opinions on this please, I've simplified it as much as possible to keep the post short.

I'm currently working on a craft project to give a family member as a birthday present (little girl, turning 11).

DD is 14 months old.

Now, through the day, whilst DD is pottering about playing etc I'll sit at the dining room table (I've a large through room so I can see into the living room and vice versa) and work on the book, I've always got 1.5 eyes on her and talk to her etc whilst I'm doing it.

If DD needs me, I'll go see to her. If she wants attention, I stop and play with her etc until she's had enough of me. She's fed, changed and watered and perfectly safe and happy - in my opinion.

However, soon to be EXDP (this is for another thread, but, my ducks are getting lined up) thinks that this is neglect... He's been saying (repeatedly) over the past few days "don't neglect her", "make sure you don't neglect her", "you should do that whilst she's asleep", "you can't do that and watch DD at the same time".

I could list all my arguments about why he's wrong, but, I want an uninfluenced opinion from people.

AIBU and neglecting DD?

He takes the buggy to work with him so you can’t go out, then tries to dictate what you do in the house while he’s at work ? I’m glad you’re leaving him.
I can’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing, it’s no worse than me having a browse on MN while my children potter around, and you’ve at least got something to show for it!
What does his lord and master expect, you to be on your knees playing for 8 hours a day? Does he also expect the house to be immaculate or am I making an unfair supposition?

There's a technique for dealing with soon-to-be-exes known as "don't bite". He tells you you should be doing it this, that or the other way, just mildly agree and then carry on doing it your own way. Just to clarify: is he saying this stuff to your face at the time or after DD has gone to bed? Because if he's standing there looking at you both and calling neglect, whilst not doing anything with her himself, he is a raging hypocrite.

@wonder :

Sorry! Maybe I should of elaborated more instead of trying to keep it simple 😊

I'm just impressed that you have a 14-month old who isn't whining and hanging onto your legs every second of the day

This! She sounds like a contented little soul if she can amuse herself and let you get on with your activity for any length of time.

Why does your DP take a pretty to work?

As long as you’re stimulating her at other times, reading together, playing with her or giving her other age appropriate activities, it’s fine to work independently.

Why has he a "habit" of taking the pushchair to work??

The real thread should have been that you’ve got a suspected abusive ex and how to deal with him - what’s the justification for him taking your buggy?

Yes, don’t engage with him.

As long as it isn't for hours and hours. I brought my four up to play by themselves for a while. By the time they went to nursery they could play independently for an hour or so and were quite happy doing it. Some of my friends kids needed entertained all the time because they hadn't done this. They were whingey if her attention was elsewhere and she longed for them to play like mine. It is a good skill for school to.

Whywon't is a good idea to just start with short periods say five minutes by the time she's three you'll have a crafting partner😄 mine spent hours painting, making things. One is doing it as a career!
It isn't neglect. I imagine if she cries or wants attention you go. Does he look after her for long periods of time?

Pretty? Should say pray!

as he is "soon to be ex"... (does he know yet?) Is he actually accusing you of being neglectful?

Can you see him asking the court for full custody?

Would a man leave his child with someone he considered neglectful of them? Be aware, you may not be the only one getting ducks in a row.

Done it again! Pram!

It's not neglect at all, OP.

Take little breathers. It sounds like you're doing that and your little one is fine!
When DC2 was 24 months, I was the year 6 class rep for our eldest and I had to make the year book. I did it while she napped and while she watched cBeebies and pottered around. She's nearly 8 now and actually, I miss those days. I don't think it did either of us any harm!

Your ex sounds similar to mine. Does he need a cape and a medal for being Hands-On-Perfect-O-Dad of the year? It's many moons ago, but I was a single mum with DC1 from the time he was 6 months old. And at that time, Fathers4Justice was all the rage... and it gave me the rage. I half expected to see DC1's Sometimes I'm in your life. Most times I'm not dad appear outside my block, climbing up the drainpipes with said cape and medal, shimmering in the sunlight. Tell your ex to do one.

Enjoy your project! Keep your mind and interests active! It's good for you, OP and your little one will be grand! She's secure, happy, and loved!

@Annie : it's a mix of both. If he's home (which he often isn't - work, football, pub, snooker) and DD wants attention he will often (not always but often) call me to come see to her or pretend he's not noticed whilst hes on his phone etc. Or, when he's home he'll ask what we've done during the day, I'll tell him and include "I spent a bit of time on so and so" and he'll say something about it or not, depends what mood he's in.

At PP that mentioned the house work, yes! It must all be in order, God forbid there's a crumb on the floor or a cup by the sink! All that stuffs part of my daily routine though, cleaning and tidying wise.

I'm guessing the buggy is in the car. Surely the op should take it out then to make sure it doesn't happen?

Now, is he taking the pram on purpose, or is it left in the car boot, and he just getsvin the car and goes? They're very different.
If the first, he's very controlling and odd, and you should accelerate your plans to get him out.
If the second, get it out of the car the night before.
Maybe also think about getting a lightweight folding buggy too, so that its easier to always have in the house?

Definitely not.

Women raised children while doing all kinds of piecework for centuries.

Your exDP is looking for a stick with which to beat you.

Oh my, there's a can of worms opened here! For those asking, I've a previous thread about soon to be ex (who doesn't know he's a soon to be ex).

I think you are doing fine OP, no it isn't neglect at all. And for the others who helicopter parent 24/7 - you aren't doing your children any favours whatsoever.

Defenitely not neglect.

However if you were posting about a man who was doing the same as you but changed it to video games then general consensus would be to LTB. Funny how MN works!

I was going to say Y were being a bit U then saw it's only a couple of hours a day. That's fine.

He sounds like a right dick!

Now, I know you say he doesn't know he's a soon to be ex - but in the OP He's been saying (repeatedly) over the past few days "don't neglect her"

I would say he probably has some inkling... recently...

He takes the pram because its stored in the boot of the car as there's no room in the house for it and he won't allow it to be left in the hallway as he trips over it.

He leaves for work at 6am, I'm usually up with DD (she likes to get up at 5am - boo) but often I also forget to remind him to take it out too as I'm running about with DD sorting things out for the day, making her breakfast etc and as I've three cats, they need sorting first thing too - trays cleaning, feeding, letting out/in.

He sounds like a controlling arse. Glad you’re getting your ducks in a row.

I agree with PP that it’s not neglect at all and ignore everyone saying You should get out more. As a single parent I had to get on with things while in sole charge of my daughter and she’s now very independent and a lot less clingy than many of her friends.