Is this neglect?!

[RubaDubMum89]

I'd like people's opinions on this please, I've simplified it as much as possible to keep the post short.

I'm currently working on a craft project to give a family member as a birthday present (little girl, turning 11).

DD is 14 months old.

Now, through the day, whilst DD is pottering about playing etc I'll sit at the dining room table (I've a large through room so I can see into the living room and vice versa) and work on the book, I've always got 1.5 eyes on her and talk to her etc whilst I'm doing it.

If DD needs me, I'll go see to her. If she wants attention, I stop and play with her etc until she's had enough of me. She's fed, changed and watered and perfectly safe and happy - in my opinion.

However, soon to be EXDP (this is for another thread, but, my ducks are getting lined up) thinks that this is neglect... He's been saying (repeatedly) over the past few days "don't neglect her", "make sure you don't neglect her", "you should do that whilst she's asleep", "you can't do that and watch DD at the same time".

I could list all my arguments about why he's wrong, but, I want an uninfluenced opinion from people.

AIBU and neglecting DD?

Of course it’s not neglect, how utterly ridiculous he is.

Littlun has the security of being able to physically see you and you are always there if she needs or just wants you,plus you are attending to all her physical needs,so of course it's not neglect.You are teaching her the important lesson of being able to entertain herself too,so I think you are doing a wonderful job :)

Jeezus, if people could see real neglect they'd think differently. A small child, warm, dressed, fed, with her parent close by, etc etc, mum just happens to be getting on with something - child amusing herself. That's not neglect.

It sometimes seems on MN that some parents interact with their wains 24/7 and never just 'leave them to get on with it' for a bit.

Using neglect in the scenario used by the OP, minimises real neglect.

It would also mean millions of children (back in the day) who were left to 'play' etc as mum scrubbed the kitchen floor, wrestled with the mangle, hung lines of nappies out etc etc (you get the idea) were also neglected.

Definitely not neglect! I’m amazed she lets u do it though! My dc will never let me do anything like that, they hate staying indoors!

But I would try to get out more. I think kids need to get out and about and socialise most days. Even if it’s raining, there are playgroups, swimming, etc. Your local children’s centre should have stuff going on.

One thing that really bugs me is when my kids fall over. I. Just like oops, get up and rub it better and they don’t even blink and carry on. You see some people in the playground who are like acting if their child has been run over by a car. It’s totally unnecessary. I put sounds like your doing fine. As long as she’s happy that’s all that matters

I am a bit guilty of this DH will laugh, if they fall over, to make them laugh so they don't start crying. Obviously he wont sit and laugh in their face if they are hurt or anything but his approach works very well. I, on the other hand, got into a bad habit of making a bit of a fuss, kissing knees and such when they were younger. As a result, if they are with him and they fall, they are fine. If they fall with me, theres holy hell on as if they have broken their leg or something rather than jst scraped a knee. Makes me feel needed though (given my kids rarely ask me for attention any other time!) so swings and roundabouts I guess.

I'd just be a bit wary of him using that word in context to your parenting. Perhaps put it away before he gets in or tell him you've finished it. Neglect is a strong word to use, and given he's the one using it, and you are soon to split up, I'd be a bit careful. He sounds a right charmer OP and to leave your baby without a pram is horrid behaviour

Do you not have your own car that you can keep the pram in?

Fgs, when Dc1 was 14months old, I was pg and unable to do a lot due to pg complications. Dc1 then had to cope with a sibling who had reflux and couldn’t be put down.
Was I being neglectful to Dc1? Nope.
No more than you are.

However, I would suggest his dad is actually spending with his dd, looking after her, p,aging, responding to her all the whilst cooking dinner and keeping the house spotless.
Except I suspect he wouldn’t be able to do half of that seeingbthat he can’t even realise his dd is talking to him whilst he is (playing?) on his phone....

If there are good portions of the day where she has your full attention then it's not neglect but I personally can't stand to see toddlers desperately trying to get the attention of parents who are more interested in something else be it a mobile phone or whatever. They deserve some time in the day for you to just be focussed on them and commenting on their play, drinking their imaginary cups of tea etc.
If there is plenty of that going on then great. If all the time you are at home you are crafting, doing housework or seeing to your twins (someone mentioned you also have twins earlier???) then maybe your child does need a bit more interaction with you than just when they specifically request it.

I agree though that there is something sinister about his use of the word ‘neglect’. I would keep that in mind once you’ve told him you are separating.

I wouldn't worry too much about XP whining. Men like this like to imply and threaten that you are a bad mother and they will 'take your children away' but it's just bullshit designed to upset you. He doesn't want to be her full-time parent. Just treat him with polite, calm indifference when he starts, until you've got rid and then set limits on how much communication from him you will respond to.

He is looking for things to pick at for an arguement/ammunition. Of course working on a craft book from time to time is fine, not 6 hours straight obviously!

Be careful that he is not looking for things to throw at you when you separate. Until he has gone, be careful.

It's not a neglect and it's great that your soon to be ex is a soon to be x. He sounds like he loves staying in control and putting you down is a part of it.

I think kids need to get out and about and socialise most days.

Plenty of one-year-olds live on farms, stations, etc, and have never seen a swimming class or playgroup in their short lives. They are not harmed in the slightest.

Tell him to buy his own pram.

You already know he twists everything to use it against you.
When he asks what you have done during your day why are you handing him a weapon?

*Tell him to buy his own pram.^

Or let him keep that one for himself in the car and buy your own light folding stroller. One of the small light ones that hardly take up any space when folded so you can keep it in the house.

blimey - the odd times the pram has been left in the car for some reason, DH brings it in before he goes anywhere.

You know he's an arse though, presumably that's why you're divorcing. Don't worry about the parenting sounds as though you're doing fine.

What is this obsession with going outside?? Its bloody freezing and i do not enjoy spending ages outside lol. I take my son to toddler groups and he doesnt take a bit of notice of the other kids unless they take a toy off him or something.
Its not neglect. I dont take my son out every day and he is perfectly happy. He likes it when people come to the house to see him.

It's not neglect.

If your daughter is happy, then why not do something productive for yourself?

I'm a little jealous, I wish my 12 month old would let me do a project whilst she's awake.

Nobody would say it was neglect if you were stating you were doing 2 hours ironing or housework. God forbid we do anything remotely enjoyable for ourselves whilst our children are perfectly happy to play independently 🙄

When he asks what you have done during your day why are you handing him a weapon?

This.
Don't tell him if he is just going to wind you up by criticising.

Absolutely, absolutely not. Your DD sounds as happy as Larry. You're doing brilliantly, ignore your DH and any other subtle little digs.

The op could bring the pram in herself in the mornings aswell. It's not difficult. He doesn't sound nice but I really doubt he is keeping the pram on purpose.'

Absolutely not neglect. Could be equated to spending extra time on cleaning the house etc, that he obviously requires you to do also.

I am very glad to see that he is a STBXP, even if he doesn't yet know it. And that you are getting on with life in the meantime.

He’s doing this to make you doubt yourself and to destroy your confidence. Common tactic with arseholes including abusive ones.