Is this neglect?!

[RubaDubMum89]

I'd like people's opinions on this please, I've simplified it as much as possible to keep the post short.

I'm currently working on a craft project to give a family member as a birthday present (little girl, turning 11).

DD is 14 months old.

Now, through the day, whilst DD is pottering about playing etc I'll sit at the dining room table (I've a large through room so I can see into the living room and vice versa) and work on the book, I've always got 1.5 eyes on her and talk to her etc whilst I'm doing it.

If DD needs me, I'll go see to her. If she wants attention, I stop and play with her etc until she's had enough of me. She's fed, changed and watered and perfectly safe and happy - in my opinion.

However, soon to be EXDP (this is for another thread, but, my ducks are getting lined up) thinks that this is neglect... He's been saying (repeatedly) over the past few days "don't neglect her", "make sure you don't neglect her", "you should do that whilst she's asleep", "you can't do that and watch DD at the same time".

I could list all my arguments about why he's wrong, but, I want an uninfluenced opinion from people.

AIBU and neglecting DD?

It’s not your job to remind him to take the pram out of the car seeing as he insists on it being in there in the first place. Can’t you fold it up and stash it in the house?

[shocked] that he takes the pram
what a

and no of course it isnt neglect

There's no room in the house for a pram?? Doesn't sound like a small house if you have dining room. Store it folded up?? Or take it out in the mornings before he goes?

You're fine op. And if you find being creative enjoyable, then you will be a happier and better mother for it! I admire you being able to balance both tbh! (I have to shut myself away in a quiet room to get any crafting done.)

Your dp on the other hand sounds absolutely awful and unreasonable.

Surely you can reverse the attention?
Give instruction etc to the 11year old do the project independently, and be with your 14 months old. And if 11 years old needs help, she can come and ask for help.

Or you can give your 14 months old simpler project to work on together.

@irvin the 11year old lives at the other end of the country to me, it's a birthday gift I'm making for her. Wouldn't be much of a surprise if I got her to make it herself 😉

Give instruction etc to the 11year old do the project independently, and be with your 14 months old. And if 11 years old needs help, she can come and ask for help.

Doesn't that completely negate the idea of this being a gift?

It sounds positive for both you and her- she gets to play independently but with mum always around, and you get on with your piece of work. I would never have finished my PhD if I'd only done it when the children were asleep! Perfectly fine to have them potter about, they don't need 12 hours of constant stimulating attention a day, although a quick walk a day freshens up everyone too. I have written since everywhere from cafes to play centres (with the screaming around me). I often work with my children around and always have done. Now they work (homework, projects/hobbies) with me around. We are always busy.

Does he say you're neglecting her when you're cooking his dinner or cleaning his house? Or just when you're doing something that doesn't benefit him?

Smug, when I'm cooking she's generally stood at the baby gate 'talking' to me and the vacuum happens to be one of the favourite things... 😲 she's also quite partial to helping me 'clean' other things too and will happily follow me around with a baby wipe 'cleaning' her toys etc 😂 so we don't really have that obstacle.

Not neglect, not even close. It’s a short term project! No different to doing some decorating or sorting through a chest of drawers.

Oh, sorry OP. I totally misread your opening post.

Some kids prefer playing by themselves anyway, my 20 month old always likes playing by himself, he played for 3 hours with toy cars the other day and every time I tried to join in or get him to do an activity he just ignored me, so I cracked on with the cleaning instead haha

God your partner is horrible -

Neglect is a strong word.

I wrote a short book when my child was 18 months old. However there were times when I was ‘pushing it’ as in, I spent too little time stimulating her, too much time on the book.

I would reassure your soon to be Ex that you are spending time just hanging out with her too. Toddlers need some time on their level and there’s no point worrying your ex even if he’s doing it to be nasty.

Have the buggy every day and get out for at least a couple of hours once a day. Your toddler will thrive on a richer and more interactive environment- which is more than just responding to her.

I changed when I realised I’d been too immersed on my book, went to the local pool 3x a week with her, walk in buggy every day, toddler gym twice a week. Then in the afternoons when she had her nap and an hour or so after she got up I did the book. It was a bit slower, but I reconnected and felt a lot closer to my toddler.

Of course it's not neglect - it's great for kids to be able to play indepedently and not expect mum to entertain them every second of the day. You're there when she needs you and not ignoring her.

I’m fascinated to know why your DP takes the pram to work? An empty pram? What on earth for?

Of course it isn't. FFS nothing else at all would get done if you did as he said - cooking tea, cleaning, other household jobs. He would soon be complaining if they weren't done I bet. As to spending an hour or two on a craft project while she is happliy playing under your supervision - perfectly NORMAL and stuff what anyone else says. I waas bored to tears at this stage when they happily play by themselves and come and find you if something wrong -- I used to scrapbook so even shock horror had sharp scissors on the table. If you are able to put things down and go to her immediately anything is wrong - really not an issue.

I hope not as if it is I am quite guilty too. I spend a fair amount of time on the internet, not even on a hobby, just doing stuff. I have a disability so do not get out much so its basically my only way of socializing, besides DH and DC.

Before I got ill though, from maybe 12 months onwards both of mine played on their own for long periods of time. My daughter would actually start ignoring me totally when she wanted to play alone (she is now diagnosed with autism...by the school. I didn't know schools could do this?) and then just come to me when she wanted me again. Once I had DS and he got to maybe 12 months..they played pretty contently together. Still do, apart from the odd bout of bickering or shouting for me to sort out. I do feel sometimes that maybe I should play a bit more but they seem so happy on their own and seem to enjoy it more when its just the two of them..maybe my imagination is crap

But yeah, I leave them to play on their own a fair bit. DS is at nursery now mind, and DD in reception so quite a bit older than yours. But at the same age, DD was happy for long ish periods of time. I think as long as you do give them attention when they want it, its all good.

A few hours a day, if she is happy, is perfectly fine IMO. But from the looks of this thread..I'm maybe lucky that mine do play alone instead of clinging. Even when they were tiny babies they weren't very clingy tbh, it upset me a bit as I wanted DD to be (not o much DS as I was already quite busy with DD)

It's not neglect and your soon to be ex is an arse!

RTWT Warm and you'll see.

I think an hour or two of "pottering" is good for toddlers.
I also used to sew with mine pottering at this age (though not after they tried to get under the sewing machine foot pedals).

Not only do we know it isn't neglect, he knows it too.
It sounds like he has worked out that you're at least considering leaving. Maybe he just wants to grind you down a bit so you don't feel confident about leaving, or maybe he is planning to make you out to be neglectful. Either way he is an arse. Mothers have always had to do other things while also caring for toddlers. Otherwise nothing would ever have got done.
I'd try hiding the folded pram inside, under the dining room table if necessary. Even if you don't want to go anywhere that day, it's unnerving to know that you can't because he has taken away the thing that enables you to go out.

I was similar with my two. You don’t need to be in their face 24/7. Kids like space and freedom. As long as you tend to her when she requires I don’t see any neglect happening. I hate people that mollycoddle their kids. Most of the time they end up as spoilt little brats.
One thing that re@lly bugs me is when my kids fall over. I. Just like oops, get up and rub it better and they don’t even blink and carry on. You see some people in the playground who are like acting if their child has been run over by a car. It’s totally unnecessary. I put sounds like your doing fine. As long as she’s happy that’s all that matters 😊

Ach, you’re fine then. Crack on.

Put a large note on the back of the door about the pram, or tell him to set an alert on his phone for 5 minutes before he leaves the house.

Otherwise, ignore. Hope the gift goes down well!