Is this neglect?!

[RubaDubMum89]

I'd like people's opinions on this please, I've simplified it as much as possible to keep the post short.

I'm currently working on a craft project to give a family member as a birthday present (little girl, turning 11).

DD is 14 months old.

Now, through the day, whilst DD is pottering about playing etc I'll sit at the dining room table (I've a large through room so I can see into the living room and vice versa) and work on the book, I've always got 1.5 eyes on her and talk to her etc whilst I'm doing it.

If DD needs me, I'll go see to her. If she wants attention, I stop and play with her etc until she's had enough of me. She's fed, changed and watered and perfectly safe and happy - in my opinion.

However, soon to be EXDP (this is for another thread, but, my ducks are getting lined up) thinks that this is neglect... He's been saying (repeatedly) over the past few days "don't neglect her", "make sure you don't neglect her", "you should do that whilst she's asleep", "you can't do that and watch DD at the same time".

I could list all my arguments about why he's wrong, but, I want an uninfluenced opinion from people.

AIBU and neglecting DD?

Would a man leave his child with someone he considered neglectful of them?

I can just see it now. "Your honour, my soon to be ex wife spends hours every day putting together a recipe book for her niece, neglecting my dd in the process!!" "Does she forget to feed her?" "No" "Is she clean, is the house clean?" "Yes" "Is your DD writing this book while under the influence?" "No" "Does she attend to her dd's needs?" "Yes" "Does she shout at her?" "No" "I see..."

This is all utter bollocks. It's the usual parenting bar. Nearly on the floor for men, but high enough to be just out of reach for women. You sound like a great Mum. Just stop giving your tool DH ammo. You have to get smarter with what you tell him.

It’s actually better for little ones to learn to fill their time playing independently. An ever interactive parent is doing their child a disservice. You aren’t being neglectful.
Neglect is not feeding your child, leaving them screaming in a sodden, soiled nappy whilst you get drunk, leaving them at home on their own at a very young age etc. What you do sounds like good parenting.

Not at all. In my opinion it sounds like he’s being emotionally manipulative towards you by trying to make you feel guilty, and it’s working in a way because you felt the need to question yourself on here and have you second guessing yourself. The birthday will be over soon and you won’t be having to potter around with the crafts anymore and he’ll probably find something else to make you doubt yourself about as a parent, in the meantime just know that you’re awesome and doing a good job and don’t let him or anybody else tell you otherwise.

it sounds like he’s being emotionally manipulative towards you by trying to make you feel guilty

This. The craft project is for your family member, but also presumably you enjoy it, and he resents you spending any time on yourself. If the house is clean, and the shopping/cooking is done, you should have your eyes trained on his child at every moment. It's all about control. Keep getting those ducks in a row!

Not neglect at all. Your ex is an idiot.

This is such BS! Please don't entertain it op. I have a 18 mth old & 2 bigger ones at school I don't 'dedicate' time to play with her. Am v lucky as well unless she's poorly shes great for pottering around with her toys chattering away n god forbid she'll even watch a bit of TV as well while I get on with cleaning, cooking sorting the endless washing on my days off. N yes I'll stop n play with her for 10 mins here n there stop for lunch n get out for a walk when day is nice. People should see what real neglect is if they think that's even close!

To the PPs that asked: I can't drive, so I've not got my own car to keep the pram in.

I was thinking about buying a little stroller, but, I'll be gone soon (hopefully) so I'm not sure I can justify the expense unless absolutely necessary (for example, he won't let me take the pram we have). I'm on a stupidly tight budget as I don't work (left work whilst I was pregnant, contract ran out during pregnancy, wasn't renewed),so the only income I have at the moment , apart from CHB is what soon to be exdp gives me in housekeeping. This month it was £50... I'm so far in my overdraft it hurts and have a credit card maxed out (result of being financially independent on him, my own stupid fault). So, anything that's not an absolute must have is on the back burner at the moment until I'm in control of my own finances again

You sound like a great mum. I think seeing your parents engaged in creative hobbies sends a very positive message. My parents had hobbies, I remember watching my dad (a qualified electrician and mechanic) from a young age fixing and building things. I remember copying him by using a screwdriver to dismantle a clock. I still like to fix things. My mum liked to garden and craft and so did my Nana. I enjoy lots of hobbies including gardening , arts n craft, crochet, playing the guitar and ukulele. It was common for children when I was young to have independent, child directed play. It gives you time and space to develop your own interest, and discover things for yourself. There's something comforting in having that balance of doing things together with the people who you love and at other times doing your own thing in the company of people who you love while they also do their own thing.

I'm just completely jealous that you're 14mth old is happy to potter about independently . My 3 yr old still hasn't reached that stage. I thought those happy independent toddlers were the stuff of my friends' urban legends!!!

It's not neglect but......What bullshit!!!

You do your project as much as you want your daughter is fine pottering about doing her thing, just as hundreds of other toddlers will be doing so whilst their parents clean, cook, chill and go on social media ect ect.
Your partner has sewn a seed of doubt in your mind and now you are questioning yourself. Don't!

My mum picked
Up a stroller from a charity shop for £2.50 for when my son was at her house.

Even though you are stopping to play with her, you are still dedicating a large amount of time to a hobby and that seems unreasonable when you have a small child pottering around

Why? Small child happily pottering around....why would anyone have a problem with that?

Wtf do people do when they spend every waking moment interacting with their dc? I’d go insane. My dc is similar age and gets on with things too. As did the one before and their social skills are fine, I wouldn’t worry.

It sounds like a good thing that you’re leaving this man. From your posts he’s controlling, demeaning, vaguely threatening and abusive financially and making it difficult to leave the house. Best of luck for you and your dd.

Independent play is good but the op is spending a large amount of time on this project and also has to keep the house immaculate and has twins. Is there any time in the day at all where the toddler gets undivided attention?
Personally I'd let the cleaning go by the wayside before the hobby.

OP doesn't mention or allude to having any other children.

Does he expect you to feed him, your baby and yourself on £50 a month??!! WTF.

Go on a local website and ask if anyone has an old umbrella style buggy to give away or sell cheaply. I cannot believe he’s essentially keeping you both a prisoner and imposing such rules on you about housework.

And no, of course you aren’t neglecting your dc. Most of us are very envious of such an amenable child.

Good luck with getting away.

Lol no not neglect. Why does ex know about it?

@bluemirror : I really don't have twins, the one baby is plenty for me right now! I think a PP used twins as an example further up the thread and now, through Chinese whispers, I've been blessed with +2 children!

Either that, or I am terribly neglectful and there's two small humans I've failed to remember, hiding in the house and being raised by the cats.

Ok. Apologies for adding twins into the mix.
So is there any time in the day where you're dd is your only focus? And I'm not talking all day or anything like it but just some playtime each day. If so she isn't being neglected.

As you dont have a car, would you need the pushchair to get dd to the doctor? If so then he is being 'neglectful' to take something you may need in an emergency. Even if it was for you to nip out and get calpol etc.

try freeecycle to ask for a pushchair, or local facebook selling pages. loads of outgrown ones around, and most new parents want everything new! (currently trying to find a new home for my quinny zapp - almost impossible!)

OP isn't saying she doesn't pay attention to her DD nor take her out, she is talking specifically about the spent making the present. Lord above why are people so obtuse?

Any chance you could make getting the pushchair out the boot the last thing you do before bed? I know that's not the actual issue...

I have never met a 14 month old who wasn't pretty clear on when they needed attention. If you are responding to that I think you are doing fine.