To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

[DiscoPanick]

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

Also slightly offended here by a couple of PP suggesting their SAH role meant they took responsibility for raising their children. I do not feel in any capacity did working mean that I delegated my parenting responsibilities to other people.

Yes. But it's been a rocky road! It took a toll on my MH, but I couldn't have worked doing the job I'd trained for. What saved me was keeping up my skills and being able to build up an impressive CV while SAHMing.

No regrets about working. Not cut out to be a SAHM and my DCs benefited from excellent childcare and schools. Just as I benefited with my ma not being an SAHM. Loved Sindhu Vee's stand up comedy on this. If you are a SAHM and love it, respect. My concern is for those who not only have to work but end up splitting shifts with their OH so they hardly ever see each other.

Also 90% of my friends work pt with 1 ft & 2 SAH. The ones who are SAH are because their DH careers have taken them all over the place. We are in London & our DHs all earn a good wage so many of us chose to work. I worry if I didn’t work for 10 years plus what would I do when the DCs leave.

I would have loved to have been a SAHM when my dd was younger, I was really angry and depressed when I had to go back to work after mat leave (despite taking 13 months off)
I went back to work 4 days, dd’s Dad refused to entertain any less and was pissed off that I dared to go down to that. As a result of my audacity my day off was actually the day I had to do all the housework, grocery shopping and any errands he wanted running.
We split up (unsurprisingly) and I was pretty thankful I had those 4 days as it meant I could move on independently.
So if I had my time again being a sahm would be nice but only with a completely different partner.

My mum looked after my son from when I returned to work after 6m mat leave until he started school. His dad’s job then allowed him to spend every afternoon with our son, so I spent the least time with him out of the 3 of us. He’s 14 now and barely sees his dad (we divorced 6 yrs ago) because they have nothing in common. On the other hand, I have an amazing relationship with my son. So hours clocked up don’t necessarily equate to a closer relationship

I was for a short while. Went back to work. Then became a single parent and had no choice. Now they are grown up I realise how quickly they grew up and I really wished I stayed at home with them for longer. I would have been bored stiff once they went to school full time though. I found it very easy being a sahm.

I'm a teacher. I work 3 days a week and I get the school holidays. 'Tis good!!!!

Good job everyone has access to wraparound care and/or school hours work once their youngest kid starts school, eh?

Namechange good for you!

Teaching is not a school hours job. Yes, we were very lucky to find good after school care.

I've been a SAHM for almost 15 years - 4 DC, eldest 14 and youngest 7.

At my DC's school, probably 75% of mum's are SAHMs. None if them would be financially f**ed if their DHs left them. They were professional women before and know what they are doing and why.

The point is that women are generally not stupid. You are only a SAHM in the right circumstances - i.e. your income wouldn't make that much difference anyway because your DH is a significantly higher earner. Also, you and your DH have joint finances and the mentality that goes with it.

I have no issue whatsoever about being "dependent" in my DH. He is dependent on me too, just in a different way - i.e. the sanity if the kids and family life. He's happy the kids have me around as I'm the best one for the "job". I would far rather be dependent on him than the government, a childminder or a boss at work / contract.

NotAnotherEmma

It is perfectly possible to have three children five years apart etc. It is also perfectly possible to not be able to access wraparound childcare.

I have reported your post - calling PPs leeches and alcoholics and then commenting on their personalities is hilariously myopic.

I've been a SAHM since 2010, we have 2 adopted DDs, 8 and 5, who are birth sisters. DD1 has a lot of issues, mainly Attachment Disorder, so it has helped not having paid work, especially as I have my own issues (PTSD) to deal with.

I work on and off with a Christian charity helping Central Asian women, which I have really enjoyed doing (though it's not paid). I worked there before the DDs came to live with us as well, I worked full-time back then, including several trips overseas.

I don't know how easy it would be to get paid work now. I worked as a legal secretary before that.

I'm unsure about being financially fucked if you are a SAHM. Pretty much all of our pretty substantial assets are in my name and what isn't is joint, even the company. I manage all that aspect of our life, DH is too busy and CNBA anyway, trusts me to be sensible and honest. If anything ever happened, it's him that would be fucked, not me. Everyone's circumstances are individual and different.

This is such an individual thing really. I've worked, not worked and now work part time.

Interesting thread. Currently we both work but I suspect dh is going to be offered the sort of job that requires eithera trailing spouse or some sort of sahm/nanny to do so it may become an issue.

I think:
when it works,
when everyone respects the contributions of each party
when the marriage holds
when it’s a choice, it works well.

The problem is that IF a marriage breaks down it is overwhelmingly the woman who comes out worse. The removal of spousal maintenance has exacerbated that.

So for me I’d need a financial security of my own pension, savings, equal access etc. And I’d want to be as sure as I could that it’d work. I have no attachment to my job for the sake of it but I think I’d find it hard to be dependent. Dh would also need to have a job that replaced both my salary and pension contributions.

This is a really interesting question - unfortunately these threads generally end up with wohp and sahp bashing each other. Hopefully this one won’t

I think part of the issue with a lot of attitudes on this post is the value that is generally placed on child care/raising children. Despite it being hugely important in producing happy, healthy, productive human beings, people who do it either in a parental or work capacity are not valued. We just have to look at the woeful wages of most nursery workers in comparison to teachers in higher education to see that those who look after babies and toddlers are regarded as less than!

Lizzie48 I think what you are doing is amazing.

I have worked PT since having DC1. I have a professional qualification that would lapse if I wasn't working in my chosen field, and would be a complete ball-ache to get back into after a few years off. Even then, there's no way I would get a job at my current grade and salary. I enjoy my job for the most part, which helped the decision enormously, and enjoy doing something "for me" a few days a week. Although DH has a decent salary, he's not a high earner. We could just about survive on one income but tbh it would stress me out too much relying on his income, in case he got made redundant/we split up etc.

Financially it wasn't so bad until we also had to pay for DC2's childcare. We're not at a loss every month, but there's not much to spare. I do feel guilty about having to use childminders and breakfast/after school clubs, and feeling like I don't get quality time with the kids every day. However, my colleagues with older DC assure me that it does get easier, and when DC2 goes to school, the saving on childcare will actually make me working very worthwhile. And I have still been making pension contributions.

I didn’t have children for someone else to,
bring them up

I knew it wouldn't be long before a dickish comment like that was made. In my experience the only parents who make comments like that are massively insecure about their own situation.

I believe most parents do the best job they are able to, whether staying at home or working outside the home. Mumsnet is about supporting other parents, it's sad that insecure people (both SAHP and WOHP) feel the need to belittle others' lives to make themselves feel better.

and as a SAHM I would be entitled to half his money

Not necessarily.

I was a SAHM until XH left me with two children under three and a house in negative equity and no means to pay the mortgage. He earned a six figure salary but it was very easy just to divert it to a different bank account. I had to go back to work. Only had 3 years out of the workplace but dropped £10k in salary.

But it was worth it. Both DCs now away - strong independent successful young women. I have a job that gives me such joy (as well as good money) and I wouldn't have that if I hadn't worked over the years. Many of my SAHM friends are still married but now working part time in the local shops or as teaching assistants despite having successful, professional careers pre-DC. A good few are now on their own, and with very few exceptions, are in crap jobs earning just enough to cover their bills.

So to answer the question. I loved being a SAHM, but I'm now grateful it was cut short even though that was not my choice at the time. My DCs haven't suffered at all, I'm quite sure my own DDs won't choose a SAHM life no matter what the circumstances are.

Absolutely not - I’d be bored silly. I get bored on my one day off! Usual caveat of I love her to bits etc etc but one on one with a toddler is very stressful to me.

Rarely pick up on any comments but being a teaching assistant is a hugely undervalued and underpaid role. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the insinuation that this is some lesser alternative to having a 'career'. Most are qualified roles for minimum wage. And intrinsic to the lives of the children they assist.

Blimey NotAnotherEmma that is rude!
And to base this premise on ????

*MissMouseMcPhee

I think part of the issue with a lot of attitudes on this post is the value that is generally placed on child care/raising children. Despite it being hugely important in producing happy, healthy, productive human beings, people who do it either in a parental or work capacity are not valued*

Producing happy, healthy, productive humans is the responsibility of every parent, stay at home or working. Salaries reflect the level of skill and knowledge brought to a job. You’re not seriously comparing caring for toddlers with university lecturing are you?