Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

535 replies

DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 16:20

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 05/02/2018 17:28

I went back to work four days a week when DD was about 9 months old and then I went 5 days a week again when she started school. It was absolutely the right decision for us for many reasons.

I am lucky in that my husband could support us and that we had the choice Well we were in this position too as DH was a high earner and did say that if I wanted to be a SAHM we could afford it. However, by the time DD was a toddler it was becoming apparent that if he stayed where he was and on the career trajectory he was following then it would increasingly entail working away from home. Going away Monday and not coming back until Friday would probably become the norm. Yes he would earn lots but it was not the life we had in mind when we decided to start a family.

Instead he left that job and got another. Still earning a decent amount though less than before. However, throughout DD's childhood he was home every night so we could all eat together and share our day and he could be involved in bath time and bed time, reading the bed-time story and just generally being a part of family life in a way he could not have been if he had stayed in the mega-bucks job.

How does this have any relevance? Well I think it is pretty certain he would not have felt able to walk away from the high-earning job to the more modestly paid job if he was the sole breadwinner. The fact that I was earning a decent salary too gave us this flexibility.

Also as others have said skills get out of date. Certainly in the industry I work in I would have found it very hard to return at the same level if I had taken more tie out.

Chugalug · 05/02/2018 17:29

Staplecorner,what was the incident

mogonfoxnight · 05/02/2018 17:29

It depends a lot on your job and your level of expertise when you left work, and your qualifications. I think it is worth it, but I worked for over a decade at a fairly high level before I became a sahm and i had learnt skills which meant i could run a business and also retrain quite quickly. I wouldn't have wanted to be a sham straight from school or uni.

Moonandstars84 · 05/02/2018 17:31

Been virtually a sah a for 13 years now due to age gaps.
No regrets and now little one at school I have taken on some extra part time work and study.
Realistically may not work full time again.

Tara336 · 05/02/2018 17:32

I was much happier as a working mum. I was lucky to work for a decen5 company who didn’t give me a hard time if she was ill etc so I had best of both worlds.

speakout · 05/02/2018 17:33

Becoming a SAHM has enhanced my life tremendously.

I am in a very fortunate position because I jacked in my career.
Money was tight, but we stuck it through and when the kids started school I had freedom and time to work out ways of working from home.
My youngest is 17 now, I still work from home and my part time work earns me more than my OH.

I would not be in this lovely situation had I not become a SAHM

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 05/02/2018 17:35

No. I lost my identity and it impacted badly on my mental health.

I'm back working now and so much happier, even if life is hectic. Also my dh has a better relationship with the dc because I am no longer the primary parent.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 05/02/2018 17:36

Posted too soon. I would strongly discourage my dds from being sahm unless they work in industries where going back at the same level is easy. Otherwise it's a trap.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2018 17:39

I was a SAHM for 6 years and was able to re-enter the job market exactly where i left it. My only regret was going back to work for a year after I had ds1.

leaveituntiltomorrow · 05/02/2018 17:39

If I could go back in time I’d return to work in between babies. My career will never recover and my marriage was ruined by it. I still struggle with self worth.

jellybeanteaparty · 05/02/2018 17:41

No Regrets being a SAHM Did quite a bit of voluntary work and one of my DC performed so needed a lot of transport and back up (they earned money now being used at Uni!) When I decided to go back to work I managed to get a really good job that tied my professional medical qualification with a new challenge - the new challenge bit had relevance to some of the voluntary work. I had to catch up with some stuff (mainly terminology and use of tech) I did look at transferable skills and think outside the box. The jobs that were at a lowe level than when I left were not interested in me and the job at a higher level than when I left is the one I got.It did take a bit of confidence and felt cheeky to go for it though!

speakout · 05/02/2018 17:43

As much as I loved my career thankfully my self of worth is not tied to my job.

follygirl · 05/02/2018 17:43

I've been a SAHM since my daughter was born nearly 14 years ago.
I love it and don't regret not working.
As well as doing all the boring things that need doing I volunteer, do exercise, walk my dog, see friends and relax.
Now my kids are getting older (13 and 11) I'll probably do more volunteering although I'm at the beginning of organising an extension so I know that will keep me busy.
I've loved raising and getting to know my kids and had I worked I would never have had that time.

Beetlejizz · 05/02/2018 17:44

In addition to the comments about it being a live issue now because it's not the default and we have choices, I think it's also relevant that it seems to be much harder to get back in now than it used to be. That has an impact. I see barbarianmum's post for example mention 6 years out, and I have a feeling the children there are teens?

Shutupanddance1 · 05/02/2018 17:44

Hmm I’m not sure - I’m still in the SAHM phase of young child (18 months) plus I’m pregnant again.

I would say it’s difficult to feel like sometimes I’m not contributing and I miss going to work. but I didn’t have a great career beforehand and I live abroad where any part time work is usually done by underpaid migrant workers Sad so I haven’t even had that option. My DH works hard, 6 days a week and wondering how it would even work for me to go back is a headache while we are here. We only plan to be away for another 2 years and then I’ll be back in workplace hopefully.

NataliaOsipova · 05/02/2018 17:45

Otherwise it's a trap.

You see, I think the same is true of the whole "work to cover (or not) your childcare because you'll be so much better off in the long run". Because it assumes a level of certainty about the future you simply don't have. Technology changes the nature of jobs, people get ill, people get made redundant etc etc.

One lady I know did this. Kids in nursery, a really stressful commute and a pretty miserable time for the whole family for very little financial upside. Because it was an investment in the future. She was made redundant (on statutory terms only) a week before her second child went into Reception....

grobagsforever · 05/02/2018 17:47

Fuck no. DH died whenI was pregnant with DD2, if I hadn't had my career I'd have ended up a lone parent on benefits.

speakout · 05/02/2018 17:48

Otherwise it's a trap.

Or in some cases it's a golden opportunity.

Beetlejizz · 05/02/2018 17:49

Well the point in that case NataliaOsipova is that most women would be in a better position to find something else had they stayed in the workplace than they would if they started looking when their second child went into reception having had I suppose 6 or 7 years out? Unless they use the time to retrain, start a new business etc, but if all else is equal, the one who's stayed in work probably derives more protection from that.

Can see how it would've felt like a real shitter though!

Peeps12 · 05/02/2018 17:50

I'm on a five year career break but two of my boys have SEN so doubt I'm employable! Sadly boys unable to attend breakfast club/after school clubs or holiday clubs many appointments to deal with so very hard. I miss work so much particularly the social aspect. Plus confidence is now on the floor.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/02/2018 17:50

Mixed feelings. I’ve enjoyed being a sahm for many years. Now youngest is 17, still needing s school run but with the end in sight, I am very keen to get a part time admin job. No luck yet after about 6 months of applying.

Whilst financially I don’t really need to, I’ve many years to fill until retirement age. It’s a void which needs a purpose. Dh won’t be retiring any time soon.

I regret not looking into working part time much much earlier, if I’m honest, and hope I haven’t left it just too late.

DailyMailareDicks · 05/02/2018 17:56

I had my son and became disabled within a few weeks of his birth. I took 12 months then went back to work FT. For various reasons connected to my disability, I haven't been able to keep a job for much more than a year. We moved house and doubled our mortgage commitment. A bigger house for a bigger family. Except I can't have any more children and adoption didn't work out for us either. If we'd kept our smaller house and mortgage, I could probably work PT or not at all. Would I do it differently? Probably not. I'm stubborn for one, and I love our home, location, excellent schools etc all come with a price tag. I value the opportunity to give my son more chances in life than I had.

egginacup · 05/02/2018 17:57

I wouldn’t. I actually wasn’t a SAHM for long (about 2 years- quit job when pregnant with no.2 as we relocated, went back to work part time when she was 18 months). However, that career break and the fact that I went back to part time, fitting-round-the-family type jobs rather than my actual career cost me a lot. When exH and I split I had nothing to fall back on and had to totally re-train. Now I have a professional job but thinking about asking to go part time so I can do the school run once a week.

I will advise my daughters to never become financially dependent on their spouse. It was a hard lesson to learn.

trilbydoll · 05/02/2018 18:01

I am not cut out for sahm-ing, I don't have the patience. I think the kids are much better off in nursery à few days à week !

I also agree with the pp who said dh could earn more, but I would rather he was home every night. So would he! So our earnings are even-ish.

AnnabelleLecter · 05/02/2018 18:04

I did it for a year which I really enjoyed, I never thought about being a permanent sahm though.
So I went part time in a more child friendly job. Between DH and I we managed to do the childcare ourselves with only a tiny bit of help from parents. Occasionally it was a hassle but worth it as we've been able to have more treats, holidays and savings.
I've always worked p/time since and have just upped my hours a tad to put more into savings and pensions. DD is 17now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread