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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

535 replies

DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 16:20

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 05/02/2018 19:23

Have just calculated that I spent approx 9,000 more hours with my children than my dh did over those 6 years. So yes I knew them far better and my influence was far greater.

Umakemefeellikedancing · 05/02/2018 19:27

I have loved being at home with my children, don't get me wrong I sometimes miss having a job but I wouldn't have changed things. Dropping eldest off at school and seeing their faces when I pick them up from school/preschool is one of life's treasure's for me.

Vashna · 05/02/2018 19:29

SANDY2K - believe it or not, you can be a "fully functioning adult" in a range of roles - even while caring for your children.

As for all the "pitiful" SAHMs, abandoned after 20 years Confused. Well, the divorce rate in the UK is meant to be 1 in 3, so I'm told. Nearly all the women I know are SAHMs or work very part-time and I only know two who are divorced. Both of them started in the homes and still don't need to work.

Original poster
DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 19:29

@Squeegle So these days are you just about keeping your head above water? How old are all of them?

My worry is despite being with a high earning partner, it might not always be that way. And indeed of my siblings one or two of us totally fucked up our opportunities. And how do you ask for money? Do you just get his card and go? Or do you set a budget?

I just don't see how it is feasible.

OP posts:
Vashna · 05/02/2018 19:29

Stayed in their homes

speakout · 05/02/2018 19:31

Can someone explain how working full time increases the chances of a husband being faithful?

RedForFilth · 05/02/2018 19:33

Nope. As a single parent the thought of being so dependent on a partner terrifies me.

Original poster
DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 19:33

I suppose my issue is depending on someone 100%.

I just don't know what is fair in that regard. Let alone affairs, as a PP said, if your H is going to cheat he will cheat regardless but surely if you and any dc are dependant on him you are at his mercy and therefore vulnerable.

My issue is with this vulnerability. It happens the minute you become pregnant. It's you that is going to carry and deliver the child iyswim? But that's separate from what we are discussing here.

OP posts:
10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 05/02/2018 19:34

It does not, but as a sahm you are financially fucked if that happens....

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 19:35

I'd like my daughters to know...they can be independent without relying on a man and to be self sufficient fully functioning adults.

And it is perfectly possible for daughters to understand this whilst also having a SAHP. It is also perfectly possible for children who were raised by WOHPs to decide that they would like to provide childcare for their own children. Valuing autonomy is not the preserve of WOHPs. Your assumptions about SAHPs being less than "fully functioning" is laughable.

SandyY2K your scorn is palpable. Is there a reason you are so angry with SAHPs?

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 19:37

but as a sahm you are financially fucked if that happens....

I wouldn't have been.

caffeinequick · 05/02/2018 19:39

I planned to go back three days a week to keep my foot in the door but then got made redundant while on maternity leave with my first. Ive now been a sahm for four years and I want to find a job now but I've lost my confidence. Saying that I am so grateful for the time I've had with my two boys. I think part time is the ideal if you can get it.

Amanduh · 05/02/2018 19:39

I don’t think you can ever go on anybody else’s experience. It ultimately all depends on your finances, lifestyle, impact on your life, the future, other dc, what you want to do, what you prioritise and what stage you are in life, it’s so individual.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 19:42

caffeine, what have you lost confidence in? Your knowledge, skills, or general sense of yourself. They can all be developed. Would you be able to afford the time to volunteer for a bit before hand?

Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 05/02/2018 19:45

I think there’s a lot of research to back up that Kids do best for the first few years if they are looked after with love and lots of attention from someone who is emotionally tuned in to them.
In most cases this will be mum and/or dad but could be a grandparent or a nanny or high quality nursery/ cm if necessary. I don’t at all regret being that person for my kids. But, and there’s always a but, I do think it will be hard to return to work and there’s also the issue if your husband leaves, of course. It totally depends on so many factors: of being at home would drive you mad, it’s not the best thing for your kids! And how much money is coming into the household etc. I sometimes envy couples where both work a couple of days a week and the child is cared for by the other parent the rest of the week. It must be nice for both parents to understand the others stresses (being with the kids or work stress).

Beetlejizz · 05/02/2018 19:46

The divorce point appeared to be that you're more likely to be financially screwed in the event of divorce if you've stopped earning an income. And may not have retained the ability to earn much.

Yes, some SAHPs have their own private incomes, property portfolios etc. Not very many, but if you're one of them then it would be daft to make your decisions based on the general trend rather than your own circumstances.

Roseandmabelshouse · 05/02/2018 19:47

I love being a SAHM. I do still keep a hand in with my job (nursing) but totally on my terms.

I have my own money in the event my relationship breaks down which I hope it won't. We are a good team. My OH is greatful for the chance to advance his career. I'm greatful to be at home with our children.

We had these important discussions before getting married and having children - not enough people do this IMO.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 05/02/2018 19:47

Missmouse, good for you. But for most women it would be Sad

Especially unmarried sahms are very financially vulnerable

Stillnotready · 05/02/2018 19:48

As ever, it all depends on your personal circumstances. ( no shit Sherlock!)
I was a SAHM for 18 years to 4 dc

  1. Married
  2. Joint decision
  3. DH actively engaged with the children whenever possible, and supported me practically and emotionally with childcare. Eg He always took them swimming ( 4dc) every weekend so I had time off, took full charge when I went away for study weekends, ( no meals in the freezer or clothes left out for him to dress the dc)
  4. Joint accounts, and now, very important joint knowledge of pension rights.
  5. I up-skilled academically. Fully supportive.
  6. I sought out relevant volunteering that would train me and give me transferable skills.
  7. I made sure my IT skills were up to date.
  8. I was lucky enough to find a return to work course.
  9. I applied for quite a few different but relevant jobs, got offered one, and have stayed with the same organisation, but progressed career wise over the past decade. I’m really happy with what I earn, and I really love my job.
10. DH about to cash in his pension and fully credits me with being able to achieve a healthy sum, as his input was equalled by mine, but in different spheres. D

Oh dear, this does sound smug. And bullet points, sorry 😐

TheFallenMadonna · 05/02/2018 19:50

I did 5 years as a SAHM (and did an OU degree on the side). Then went back to work. Would absolutely do the same again. But that's because I work in a profession that welcomes returners (teaching) and also teach a couple of shortage subjects, so kick starting my career again was straightforward.

NameChanger22 · 05/02/2018 19:59

I have never regretted nor felt guilty about going back to work after a year's maternity leave. DD was climbing the walls. I was climbing the walls. We both need lots of stimuli and people around us to feel happy. We spend enough time at home during the evenings and weekends. I don't believe that staying at home is best for all children, everyone is different. I think I would have gladly gone back to work unpaid rather than stay at home another day. We did need the money though.

arghh21 · 05/02/2018 20:00

I think it's also relevant that it seems to be much harder to get back in now than it used to be

Still rft but I agree with this. 10 years ago I think it would be less of a problem but these days taking 5 years out with the way tech is progressing & everyone having a degree would scare me. Obviously certain jobs such as teachers, doctors etc have skills that will always be valued.

I like working for structure & social reasons. I gave up my career after having DC1 & trying to make it work for 3 months. I was lucky to find a pt job straight away that I had some relevant skills for & learnt some new ones. I was made redundant just as I was due back after mat leave for DC2 but fortunately I’ve secured a pt job 15 mins walk away that are happy to let me work flexi time & from home if needed so I can do all the school drop offs. Plus it’s more pay, I’m really excited.

However I am lucky that I’m my parents & inlaws are very close & DH only has a 20 min commute. It’s hard to juggle the logistics & finances of staying in work.

buckyou · 05/02/2018 20:00

No. I did consider it but I’m so glad I didn’t. My children are still very young (nearly 1 and 2.5) but they like going to nursery, I only work 3 days so don’t really feel much guilt over it (that’s now, I have in the past when my oldest hasn’t enjoyed nursery so much!).

It’s a nice balance. We all get our own time but plenty of time together and then have money to do nice things together, holidays etc.

harvart · 05/02/2018 20:02

I have just returned to FT after 8 years PT.
My parents current situation has made me appreciate my financial independence. DM was a SAHM when we were young, then worked PT, going FT once we were grown up. My parents have a nice house in a nice area, and now in their mid 60s were set for a relatively comfortable retirement.
Except it looks like they are about to split up. It's my DMs decision but she doesn't have much of a pension, and the assets they have don't stretch quite as far when they are halved.
It's made me realise that working and the pension I have accumulated (I have a pretty good work pension) has given me financial security for the long term.

Squeegle · 05/02/2018 20:02

@discopanick - well we are alright financially, although not rolling in it. My DCs are 15 and 13, the challenge is more that I am never around, and am tired with the daily grind of it all. And I’m not that excited by my job probably because my mindspace is split by worrying about my DS who has a number of issues. So I am glad that I have the capability to work, and glad that I am not dependent as I would hate that- but also wish I had made a marriage that would have enabled me to bring up children as part of a team, and been able to stay at home a bit more!