To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

[DiscoPanick]

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

Totally agree hedgehog I don't believe there is a right or wrong, we all just to our best. I love my children with all my heart but for me my relationships all benefit from some space!

I do think it's amazing if you can stay at home though, I'm sure the kids love it and I reckon life is less rushed and stressful. DH and I both work and life is full on. I often think maybe I should stop working to make things more calm, more time with the kids etc etc

I work part time and also for myself which is perfect. My kids love nursery, if they hated it I would find it much harder. Since having kids I've had this urge to provide for them so that's another reason why i choose to work.

If we have another I would probably scale back to two days a week as I'm not sure I could continue with how it is now with another one!

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good

OP, I feel no guilt for working. I'm proud to work and consider myself a good role model.

Yup. My mum was a childminder when I was a teenager and in my early 20s and the reality of seeing the life of a working parent from that perspective meant I could never, ever live that life. So I made damn sure that I'd never have to work outside the home away from my child. That meant plenty of financial planning and waiting until my 30s to have a baby. As it happens my much loved and trusted husband was not to be relied on but I'm exceptionally good with money, own my own house outright and can live extremely well on a fairly teeny income.

When DS is older I have plans to run my own business which I essentially know will be successful as I have the start-up capital nearly saved in full, so I'll have no debts, very few costs and a very good, state assured, projected income. I also have an investment plan to ensure that any family DS has in the future will have the option to live well on one income. (And if my DS somehow grew up to be someone his family could rely on, my loyalty would be to the children and the person actually raising them.)

I have loved being a SAHM, but now I'm trying to get back into the workforce, it's a total nightmare. So part of me does seriously regret it - am finding it very very hard to get a job.

I was a SAHM until DD went to school (4 years) and I loved it. With DS I went back to work after 9 months and I hated it. I literally worked my notice and then left. Personally, I loved being at home with them. I didn't feel lonely or anything because I went to loads of baby groups. I can't really regret going back to work because it was out of financial need but given the choice I'd stay at home all day long.

No.id never be SAHM, I love working,value financial independence,and I’m guilt free
Refuse to be burdened with guilt about having a career and providing for my family
I also want the stimulation of working. Solely Being mum simply isn’t enough.
Plus I’m a role model for my kids,they get to see me working.Both mum & dad work

Hear hear hedgehog

I returned to work part time after DC1. I got made redundant just before they turned 2 and I was pregnant with DC2 (highly suspicious redundancy). I've not been able to find work that covers childcare expenses yet and I've just come to embrace being a SAHM for the next year or so. I'm working towards starting a business in an industry I'm passionate about, and if that doesn't work out I'll retrain when the kids start school. No regrets other than assuming that my previous employers were generally nice people.

LipstickHandbag

Please read Lizzie's post above and tell me people who work are better role models?

I didn’t have children for someone else to,
bring them up

DH and I managed both our working lives around the DC, it wasn't one of us who sacrificed our career. DCs are at school now, I work FT, he works the equivalent of 4 days from home. It is possible for both parents to have careers and bring up their children.

I absolutely would not be a SAHM. I did it for an additional year when my mat leave ended and I didn't go back to my job - damn near drove me to mental breakdown. It was dull, repetitive and involved lots of wiping (arses, faces, surfaces, fingers, and repeat).

I find "Yes! I didn’t have children for someone else to, bring them up" overly defensive - the lady doth protest too much and SandyY2K made great points about the assumption that following that logic the kids fathers didn't raise them.

I'm also of the apparent privilege of the situation "I'm so lucky we could afford for me to stay at home" and the halo polishing that goes with emphasising how hard it is (it is, so I choose to live my life differently - and have a life, career and earnings of my own). I think WOHM have a different but equally difficult time juggling endless competing demands, even with fathers who do have parity of care.

I don't need to work, at all, ever. I WANT to work. I don't want my daughters seeing me kept by their father, I don't want them to see me doing all the Wifework. I don't want to end up like my mother - career sacrificed, retired in poverty, no social circles. I want my own career and its progression, my work friends, my salary. We pay someone to collect the kids from school and clean the house. We still do homework with our DDs, weekend activities, family time. I still cook (not every night). That's enough for us. The walls would metaphorically close in on me if I did any more.

NotanotherEmma - Yes at home for 15 years with 4 DC in 3 different independent schools and a cleaner 3 times a week. If it's being a leech, so be it. Nobody ever gave us anything and we rely on nobody for anything.

Happy yes I am. Evidence indicates that the level of care in a child's early years is key to positive outcomes in later lives. A university lecturer merely deposits information - an early years worker is responsible for the safety, well-being, education and general happiness of our child. Of course I value it more than I value the work of a university lecturer (unless they are teaching people how to actually save lives !!)

lipstick I was also a role model, showing how society also needs the unwaged to deliver services, support and fundraising.
Being unwaged is not without value, integrity and worth.
Ask any carer.

A truly depressing read relevant to this thread
https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/01/the-gender-wage-gap-is-not-about-women-getting-more-flexibility-they-get-less.html?via=recircrecent&eminfo=%7b%22EMAIL%22%3a%22U8HC%2frNh4gS2cHGtkwG9PkwPmgvKLRKT%22%2c%22BRAND%22%3a%22FO%22%2c%22CONTENT%22%3a%22Newsletter%22%2c%22UID%22%3a%22FOOBRD20D4128A-CB48-44C7-9399-1F94AD6AF7AB%22%2c%22SUBID%22%3a%2292347232%22%2c%22JOBID%22%3a%22635362%22%2c%22NEWSLETTER%22%3a%22BROADSHEET%22%2c%22ZIP%22%3a%22%22%2c%22COUNTRY%22%3a%22%22%7d

I chose to work,I want to work.it is important to me,it’s fulfilling and I enjoy it
I am a good role model,I can talk about stick in at school,going to uni etc
Didnt have kids for it to turn into a giving things up competition to prove I’m good enough
Don’t want to talk about myself in past tense...I used to be...xyz job.gave it up
Happily arranged nursery when I was pg.they attend FT mon-fri

Very good point usernamesaretaken I feel zero guilt about working. What am I meant to be feeling guilty about?

I was only a full time SAHM for a few years then I worked part-time, and thank fuck I did because it made getting back into the workforce fulltime much easier (and it was HARD anyway).

Knowing what I know now I would have worked full time sooner. I have an interesting job and career and paid professional training, but I'd be much further on now if I'd gone back to work sooner. I love making my own money and knowing that if anything were to happen to OH, or we split, I have a good foundation of skills and work experience to fall back on . I've seen a lot of women really struggle to get back into a decent gig after taking many years off work.

Yes. Was SAHM for 11 years. I never had a career, just min-wage jobs, so nothing to stress about leaving. I loved being home with the children and I still find myself thinking most days how grateful I am that I was able to do that. It was really precious to me.

Back working again now, in another min-wage job. Dead-end, but I don't mind it, and it is 5 mins walk from my house and in school hours so can still do school runs. Could be worse

This is a question I ask myself a lot these days
I was a sahm for 5 years and when the kids are really little I do think if it's possible it is a really lovely time to be at home and I did enjoy this time however we were so skint and I did lose a lot of my self confidence and resented dh a lot and spent a lot of time with my other sahm friends and felt closer to them than dh at the time (wasn't the best for marriage)
It took me a while to get back into a job although I could have gone back to prev job of teaching but was able to do something different which was lower paid but less stressful and more enjoyable job as we were used to being on a lot less money so anything made over childcare costs was a bonus
However I do look at friends who stayed on the career ladder with a bit of envy - of our friends we have the smallest house , cheapest cars,holidays etc as we definitely sacrificed a lot of earning potential
I would personally find it very hard to justify being a sahm once the kids are all at school though and I do think it's sad when professional women waste all that training and potential by totally giving up on work

I worked and I'd absolutely chose to again. We are now financially much more secure and have a much better lifestyle, and we are able to support our daughter through uni. Things that would not have happened if I had given up.

So for me it's the long game you need to think about. Supporting your children doesn't stop when they go to school. It doesn't stop when they leave school. Supporting your children comes in many forms, inc both emotionally and financially. To give them all the choices and the confidence to make those choices. Being able to do that for them is a blessing that is often enabled by both parents working,.

For those offended by the idiotic "I didn't have kids to have someone else raise them"comment. Don't be, ignore it. It's either being deliberately goady or it has some personal problems. Don't bite.

I guess it depends on what you want from life and the risks you are willing to take.

To me, I want to be with my preschool children all day, and yes I am willing to trade some security and a higher salary for as much of that time as possible. Nothing is free. I don’t see it as opportunities lost because I see it as life experience gained.

I grew up in an abusive house and was homeless at 16. Believe me, I have a very clear contingency plan for most imaginable outcomes. But ultimately, children are a leap of faith and love and I would never have had them if I didn’t believe there was a good chance of our ideal plan working out to be the actual way our lives worked out. So far it’s going ok.

I knew I’d want to be a SAHM if lucky enough to have kids, before I chose my career. So I chose a career that required professional qualifications and it has a clear ‘reentry’ pathway as sabbaticals are common. Im fairly confident I could walk back into my old job role tomorrow and I estimate I would be earning about 20% less due to the time out, although that gap would narrow within approx 2 years. I have kept up with peers in the industry and know what studies I would have to do to refresh my knowledge. If DH had left me, I would be entitled to half the equity in the house. That would pay for a smaller property (with a 40% mortgage) in a area that would be commutable to one of my top 5 most likely employers. I would encourage my daughter to think and plan for all this before getting pregnant.

Well good for you lipstick
I didn’t either, and I was a sahm.
I gave nothing up, but I gained so much, as did my dc.
Different people, different priorities, different relationships.
I knew I could not have done what what you did.
I did not have it in me to leave my child in a nursery.
I’m glad you are happy with your choice.
I hope you respect mine.

I need something for me.solely me.im not wholly defined by being mum
Earning a salary,demanding job,feeling vocationally satisfied all derived from work
Guilt?none.not a jot.nadda.never heard a man asked if he’s feeling guilty for earning a wage

I was a SAHM for nine years until my youngest started school. Then I decided to go back to work and was very lucky to get a part time (three days a week) job that is interesting, fulfilling and reasonably well paid, in a different (but related) field to my pre-DC career.

I don’t regret being a SAHM, as I loved it at the time and things have worked out well for me, but I do think that I took a massive risk. Now the kids are all at school I could be seriously regretting my choices if I hadn’t managed to find a job I love.