AIBU - house guests bringing junk food

[crumbseverywhere]

I have a very sweet tooth and since the birth of DC2 8 months ago have struggled to control my diet. As a result I haven’t lost the baby weight so I am feeling pretty rubbish. This year my husband and I have vowed to be better and have stopped buying any biscuits/cake/junk Monday to Friday so the temptation isn’t there. My willpower is terrible when I’m at home all day with the DC. At the weekend we allow ourselves a small treat. It’s working as we are no longer craving sugar and I have already lost a few pounds.

My PIL live 150 miles away and visit once a month or so. Every time they come MIL brings tins of cakes made by herself or other extended family. I’m not talking something small for us to enjoy but 4+ tins of scones, sponges, cupcakes, shortbread etc. Every time (for the last 2 years) we have been saying please don’t as we can’t eat it/don’t want it but it falls on deaf ears. As a result we end up eating far too much and throwing a lot away. A lot of it is quantity over quality that has been frozen and then defrosted.

This weekend gone they came to stay. In an email exchange the week before we were asked if we wanted anything, husband repeated NO and explained us trying to be good. This was acknowledged and even congratulated! But as usual they arrived with the bloody tins.

My husband ate a lot, I ate too much and we both felt shit about it. A lot will end up in the bin.

AIBU in feeling pissed off that they won’t support our efforts? Should I stop blaming others for my lack of will power?
WIBU to make a scene of putting it all in the bin in front of them next time to make a point?! If so, how should I tackle this given that having a sensible conversation with them doesn’t work?

I think people are being harsh here OP, if someone has really struggled with sugar addiction and food issues then they would understand. I do, and while sometimes I would have managed to resist, often I would not. Why would you tempt and disrupt someone's efforts like that?

So I do not think you are trying to blame them for a lack of willpower on your part, just saying that them doing this makes it harder and disregards your requests. I don't know whether they are being dismissive about your request or whether they are in a mindset of giving food to show affection and just can't get out of it.

In case it is the latter, I would spell out the request again next time, specify any cakes, biscuits etc not just added refined sugar. Tell them you really appreciate the gesture but it really isn't helping you right now....if you think they just need to bring something then perhaps ask them specifically to bring something else more suitable. However, if that doesn't work just donate or chuck what you can when possible.

I'm surprised the word "sabotage" hasn't been mentioned. It may be thoughtless sabotage, but it's not helping, is it? It's not thought ful. I'm also surprised at tge pasting you're getti g, OP. Perhaps you could re-post this in Relationships.

It's called Prader Willi Syndrome. I don't think the OP has said anything to suggest what you are implying bluntness.

She is saying she has no will power and the cakes at a problem. She does need to bin then if the in laws won't stop bringing them.

I have a friend very like this, every time she comes she feels the need to bring something, a box of sweets or a small toy for the cats. i've told her, she doesn't have to and shouldn't but she was raised to think it's not polite to visit empty handed - are your PIL like this? Maybe try and get them to bring flowers instead of the cakes?
Some people are just feeders though - if you tell them you want to lose weight they'll be round with a giant pizza and a tub of ice cream. Why do you think they're doing it?

Depends what they and your relationship is like. I favour 'That tin better contain carrot sticks or I am sending it back with you'. Or 'no more cakes please'. And hand it all back. Otherwise you will have to agree to bin them/spoil them straight away so you don't eat them. Do they partake of the cakes while at yours? They might fear going hungry, I know I used to when staying away.

@RiotAndAlarum yes the PILs are sabotaging their son and his wife. Who knows what they will feed the baby when they get the chance!

People who overeat consistently (not just at Christmas etc) may also be sabotaging themselves. Overheating is incredibly complex.

At the root of some overeating may be feeling of guilt or lack of self worth so all the shit 'just don't eat them' comments are very unhelpful, cruel and unnecessary.

Despite what people may think long term weight loss is not necessarily built on being shamed into it! I'd go as far as to say rarely built on shame! Look at famous 'Biggest Losers' winners who put it all on!

For serious overeaters (not sure if the OP fits this category) I think it should be seen in light of otherr addictive behaviours some of the time.

@crumbseverywhere

Please pm me if you want to share healthy eating tips.

Please read this article, I hope it will be helpful.

uk.businessinsider.com/new-show-biggest-loser-winners-regained-weight-big-fat-truth-2017-6

there was a thread the other day about cake eating cats.......ok, it's just a thought! not saying you have to own the cats, but maybe a neighbour has cake loving cats.

If you just don't eat it they'll stop bringing it.

Job done.

yes the PILs are sabotaging their son and his wife

Or on a less paranoid and aggressive take, they are simply following a cultural norm of bringing gifts when they visit in the form of food, as millions of people do.
I don't understand people who have such nasty minds.

"Refuse to eat any (easier said than done, I know) and be clear that anything they don't take back with them is going straight in the bin. And do it."

^ This!!

@ShutYoFace

"Or on a less paranoid and aggressive take, they are simply following a cultural norm of bringing gifts when they visit in the form of food, as millions of people do."

Do millions of people "... brings tins of cakes made by herself or other extended family. I’m not talking something small for us to enjoy but 4+ tins of scones, sponges, cupcakes, shortbread etc." That does not sound normal.

"I don't understand people who have such nasty minds." Do you mean me? I don't have a nasty mind!

I did not say they were doing it on purpose, any more than people who self sabotage do it on purpose!

But the reality is the PILs are sabotaging the OP's efforts, and her dh's efforts.

Perhaps for benign reasons.

Maybe by accident!

Maybe you could think about how self sabotage works before accusing me of being nasty minded!

It's nasty minded to accuse loving parents bring food gifts of sabotaging their children, in anyway.

I’ve not rtft which is now 7 pages but maybe they ate starving when they come as there is not enough to eat

@ShutYoFace do you understanding that the effect of bringing the cakes sabotaged weight loss. Whether it is intended or not, and whether they are loving or not?

Just don't eat them

@ShutYoFace Actually you do not need to agree with me, but that is the result I see.

The only people "sabotaging" the OP's plans to improve her diet is OP herself.

Of course self sabotage is massive in overeating but it doesn't mean others are neutral. If I gave a bottle of booze to an alcoholic I am not neutral in that equation, even if I didn't realise he was an alcoholic. I'd have helped to a negative outcome!

Just been doing supper, bath, bedtime -thanks for all the posts!

It stems back from when DH was at Uni and would get tins sent back every time he went home. DH is very slim, does a fair bit of exercise and just doesn’t gain weight so I think they felt he needed it so he didn’t fade away. It’s continued from there in that whenever we when back to DHs family we would be sent away with tins (it’s not just MIL). DH enjoyed them and it wasn’t my place to say anything.
Since having DC my DH is much more aware of eating healthily and I was getting fed up of having all the cake around so we started to say no.

MIL is a very good baker and does a lot for various church groups etc but often the stuff we were given is left over from x,y or z sale so it’s not like she has lovingly made us a cake. She will then say ‘We’ve eaten too much’, ‘we don’t need it’.
On this occasion she emailed about the visit, said I know you are trying to cut back so I assume you don’t want cake/sweets. DH said, no we don’t, diet going well please don’t bring anything. This was repeated in another email yet still they arrived. One tin was brownies that has been leftover at church group, frozen then given to us so completely unnecessary. She will not then eat it while with us as will say she’s cutting back!

They are always handed over sheepishly. I say we really don’t want them, they say ‘I’m Sure DH will manage a few’, ‘you can always freeze them’, ‘don’t feel you have to eat them’. I would feel rude telling them to put them back in the car or obviously giving them away. I also feel it’s a bit off unloading them onto DH’s colleagues. I wouldn’t appreciate it if I worked in an office. I can’t imagine food bank, doctors surgery would take unpackaged food? Also it’s the kind of thing that needs eating fresh so isn’t going to hang around until our village toddler group. I do think binning it is the only option even though I hate waste. I agree with pp saying eating it for the sake of it is just waste anyway.

So I think I have 3 options really:
1) smile, say thank you, bin it once they leave.
2) Write to them explain the situation to hope we get the point across. I feel this really needs to be DH with the extended family although I would happily write to MIL. If this doesn’t work, revert back to 1)
3) suggest they substitute with flowers/fruit/savoury food

I agree will power is key. We don't just eat everything in sight it’s just steadily grazed upon over the weekend so instead of just a cup of tea it’s a biscuit as well. It’s totally unnecessary but hard to resist. We generally eat healthily so I really didn’t think I had a major problem but from what some of you are saying maybe I am in denial!

Thank you for the link Italiangreyhound,** I will have a read

People with binge eating disorders and sugar addiction do not have to shove food in their mouths on immediate sight. It's ridiculous to suggest they do.

of course they don't have to inhale food on site. I don't think anyone has claimed that to be the case. Perhaps do a bit of reading around the condition before sharing your next insights and they might be a bit more informed.

There are studies that show sugar and fatty foods are addictive for some people so I think those that have likened it to bringing booze into a recovering alcoholic's house are the most accurate analogy.

Your dh should text your parents and say firmly, seriously no treats this time, we're on a strict diet and any cakes brought you'll ask them to leave in their car. If they want a slice of cake whilst at your house they can go to the car and get it.

Then you have to stick with it, don't let the treats enter your house. Next time they hopefully won't bring any if you stick to this cycle.

It sounds to me that they are doing what you suggest - palming off stuff they won't themselves eat. In that case I would feel less worried about saying really, no please don't bring it.

Tell them, in so many words, how hard you find it to resist, really spell it out. The language is maybe part of the problem "trying to be good" isn't the same as "we are 100% sugar free for x months, please help us". "we can't have it in the house"

I do understand how hard it is to resist (even if stuff is not very nice, I have a crisp problem myself, mostly under control but ....ummm skips).

I understand you OP! I have zero willpower and the only way to resist temptation is to remove it completely!