Dropped in the s***

[Lollipop306]

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

Would you not have had a child if you'd known she would not be doing it?

OP would probably have still had the baby, but the point is that she would have had time to make arrangements which she now doesn't, because DM left it to the last moment to tell her.

it's an awful thing to do but I'm wondering if their offer to help was a little rose tinted. I babysit my grandson ad if she returns to work I will do so but it's a lot harder with babies when you're older. Its fun whilst they are not mobile but once the crawling starts they are so energetic. I spent the weekend crawling after my grandson because his favourite game is chase. He's on the verge of walking and I'm sure i'll still have to chase him. It's exhausting and I ache so much.

I would ask your mum to continue looking after him whilst you try to find someone to look after DC

Pretty much what's happened with my MIL! It's hard to sort childcare (we had to apply for a nursery place whilst pregnant).

Have you told you mum that it was shitty of her?

YANBU, I'm a grandma and have looked after my 2 GC since DD went back to work when they were 6 months old. I committed to 3 days a week with the first, but by the time the first was 2 I was flagging! Dropped to 2 days a week but gave months of notice.

Yes I didn't realise how tiring the long days would be, but you need to give plenty of notice for other arrangements to be made.

The whole "grandparents have lives too" angle is totally irrelevant here. The issue is that one should not make a commitment, restate that commitment repeatedly over a period of months, knowing full well that the other person is making important life plan on the basis of that commitment, because they trust you - and then pull the rug out from under them with virtually no notice and without even giving a reason!

Your mother has behaved appallingly OP. As have some of the openly goading posters on this thread. My advice: never, ever put yourself in a position where anything depends on your mother's word, ever again. She has shown you how much her word is worth.

I feel really sorry for you. It's not as if she is a Child Minder who has broken her word, this is your Mum! I think she should have a really strong reason why she has to let you down. I find it awful that she could have warned you as far back as Christmas. I know it's not Granny's job, that's not the point, the point is she let you think you had child care sorted out and could rely on the arrangement. I must say, as a mum and granny myself, I try not to have arrangements which rely on family! It causes such heart ache. I can only suggest you simply never rely on her again. Make arrangements with someone professional, have a contract and feel secure. Then I'd probably keep my distance from mum for a while to let things cool down.

Greensleeves is right. Does she have any idea how let down you feel?
The least your mum can do is stick to her commitment to do childcare for you for a clear three months while you sort something out.

My wife done same sort of thing with my sons daughter. She's nearly 2 now. Told them she won't look after her any more. Luckily I took early retirement in April last year. And I look after her 3 days a week 11 hours a day. When I promise people something I stick to my word. My wife has now filed for a divorce. She tries to have control everything. At the end of the day. My children and grandchildren come before her

I know your feeling let down and angry however have a think about how your mum is feeling? She may have realised just how much work involves having a baby two full days a week is going to be and slowly realised maybe it’s not a good idea? Perhaps she felt bad about telling you how she felt as she knew you were relying heavily upon her? Sounds like she didn’t want to let you down as much as you didn’t want to be let down and lack of honesty and communication has got you both here.
Maybe ask your mum to compramise and have baby one day instead of two and find paid childcare for the other day? In my experience it never a good idea to “rely” to heavily on family for childcare as If something happens to family such as sickness or holiday you are stuffed! Keep your options open and consider alternatives. Don’t waste energy being pissed off at your mum as worst she was inconsiderate , she’s human. Talk to her and see what’s really going on here but talk to her not in anger as you’ll get no where.

What a nasty thing to do, I can't believe your own mother did that. So sorry OP

@poppeyedoyle123 tell your daughter now that you won’t be able to look after another baby. If you need to cut down/stop, tell her now so she can make alternative arrangements.

I didn’t consult my parents about DC2 but was prepared to use nursery for “their days” if it was more than they wanted to offer.

OP yanbu. Hope you manage to work something out. I agree with another poster that you want more than an au pair can offer.

I’d be livid. 6 month waiting list for nurseries when mine were little.
My DM did offer to look after DD 2 days/week when I went back to work and she did do it, but on her terms - she picked the days and also went on holiday when she wanted to. But she was adamant she wanted to do it even though we had the money to send DD to nursery.
In the long term it might be a blessing in disguise as we found it hard with DM beung granny instead of a main carer needing to stick to boundaries. Even now she collects DCs from School one day and gives them all sorts of treats and then complains they don’t listen to her.

I’d put DS down on the list for a few nurseries and also contact some childminders. You could also try and delay your return to work by taking a months parental leave.

I feel for you. Her timing is very unfair. My kids needed to be on the waiting list for our nursery before they were even born so a month would have landed me is deep deep sh*t!

YANBU.
I would be livid in your position. I hope you can find some alternative in time. I know here that would be no where near enough notice to find a good babysitter or nursery place. Having just been looking for DD.

Nurseries around my way are 6 months waiting list minimum. Obviously it's great to get free childcare from a family member when they are still a baby, but it's better to not offer than to offer and take offer away at the last minute.

All those suggesting that the OP consider her DM's feelings and to 'be kinder', her DM could also do with that advice and talk to the OP and explain why she can no longer care for the baby and maybe offer to help sort alternative accommodation.

Accommodation! I meant child care.

Why oh why do people have children when they know they will heavily rely on other people for childcare. What if your Mum was ill, how would you cope? What if she moved further from you making it impossible to travel? You can either look after your child yourself, pay for a nursery as you said no childminder, employ a nanny. The situation you are in should never have come up as you should have thought of the needs of a child before your own desire to have a family. Life is hard, it isn't always fair and you can't always have what you want. YABU.

manic

Life is hard when you are so envious you can't understand that the OP didn't need to sort out a nursery - even though she was and is prepared to - because her mum said she'd do it

I'm astonished how many these days expect grandparents to provide child care

OP wasn't expecting it - OP's DM made a point of repeatedly offering it - and then suddenly withdrew the offer at the last moment.

If she had mentioned the issue of what days when it became important to her, instead of putting off saying anything, OP could have made arrangements.

I'm wondering if there is more to this ? Another reason for her backing out so suddenly. Why did she feel unable to talk to you about her doubts ? I think you are incredibly lucky as (if I've understood correctly) she will still be having him for two days anyway and the other grandmother for a third day ? Whatever, you should always have a contingency plan in place, however unlikely you think you need it.

She has given you very short notice. Having read other thread I suspect she had good intentions but the reality is too much.

Perhaps, ask her to help for a fixed period of time, maybe one day instead of 2 and phase return to work? Just suggestions.
I would also suggest your DM has no idea of how much time it could take to find alternative care. Can MIL help with extra day for a short period? Check out childminders, too.

YANBU and have a right to be hugely annoyed. Your Mum has obviously thought about it more and decided she can't cope. Then she should step up to the mark and help you out if you haven't found anyone suitable to look after your DC. She is massively out of order with her promises. She isn't obliged no. But she should have thought about it before now and told you. I'd be inclined not to bother with her for quite a long time. CF.

YANBU.

You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you have. For 16 months you have been offered childcare and with little time to organise anything else, you have been left in the shit.

If this had been me, I would have had no option but to quit work which would have affected our living arrangements. Childminders are full (my own kids are in childcare that I had to arrange 10 months before DS was born and literally 24 days pregnant with DD!) where I live and nurseries, apparently, have a waiting list of 6 months!

Do you think she would reconsider if she found out you were without childcare or/and the day of childcare does in fact suit her needs?