Dropped in the s***

[Lollipop306]

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

I'm a grandmother who works full time (plus) hours - in a challenging career (that does have some flexibility) I still provide significant after school/holiday cover because I can still remember the constant nagging worry about childcare I had when I had to work as a young mother. I had no parental support and it was hard work - I also remember we are the lucky generation who got the free education, good housing and easy mortgages. For me it seems reasonable to help if I possibly can - even though it's bloody exhausting

Her only mistake was making the promise before she had thought it through and leaving it so late too tell you she cant care for your children. They are your children, your responsibility. Dont wreck your relationship, she made a mistake

So.... would you have had the child without the offer of childcare?

Yanbu to be angry, totally get that it's not the fact she doesn't want to do it, rather the lack of notice. Currently trying to arrange childcare a year in advance here and still no guarantee of a nursery place. Good luck with finding something, otherwise perhaps work annual leave on those days between you and dp? So annoying though.

Yanbu. I started looking for a childminder eight months before I needed them and only found two with spaces, even widening my search area miles. Same with nurseries, I applied in Mau for my eldest to have a space the following January.

At least she's told you now rather than a couple of weeks in. That makes it slightly better. And you know never to rely on her in future.

*May

Why oh why don't people read the thread Manic?

Confusedbeetle. Unless you are saying that the OP should have refused her DM's continual offers to provide childcare, I fail to see how she's shirked her responsibilities.

op has already said that, Yes she would have still had dc if she had known her dm wouldn't provide childcare

What she would have done differently with the knowledge however, is booked her dc onto a waiting list for childcare well in advance.

The problem is not that she expects other family members to provide childcare for her dc.
The problem is with her dm repeatedly promising something, and then backing down on that promise at short notice.

That's why the thread title is about op being "dropped in the shit" not "why can't I have free childcare?"

If you spend months and months and months promising to do something for somebody, decide you wont, then keep your change of mind to yourself until it is too late for that person to make other arrangements then you have absolutely 100% dropped them in the shit.

ten pages I haven't read them all.sorry. but has it been suggested you ask her to help out until you find something. that is if you cant do it all before the birth comes. you might strike lucky.
don't feel bitter or pent up anger bout this.your right to feel stressed if nothing else of the sudden turn of events but try to get past it. youll need your mum so hopefully she will still be there in other ways if not for permanent childcare so try your best to get passed this and keep that relationship ok. try to believe or think that perhaps the thought of looking after your new dc just totally overwhelemed her and this must be frightening way to feel.it was vicious or malitious sudden change I don't think.
being angry will also stop you now from finfing the right help you need so keep going forward.good luck.

I agree the lack of notice is annoying, but have you had chance to sit down and ask your DM if she's ok? It seems strange that she was so keen to do it for so long and then dropped out.

I can understand that its much harder looking after little people when your older, I just hope theres nothing else going on that your mum didn't feel she was able to share with you because of your anger.

YANBU. Your mother should feel obliged, not because she's a grandmother, but because she freely offered to provide childcare and repeated that offer at regular intervals.

If she changed her mind, the very least she could do is to either give you a few months' notice or provide short-term childcare in the interim.

YANBU to feel annoyed. It is astonishingly common though, for grandmothers to promise childcare for hypothetical grandchildren, only to balk when confronted with an actual baby!

This has happened to most of my friends, in one form or another.

Could you explain to your Mum you would have got baby name down for nursery if she had not said she would do childcare and ask if she will at least do it until you can get child minder or nursery place. Would she help to pay for 1 day each week? Your Mum has been very unfair to you. I know it would affect my relationship if it was my Mum. If she refused to at least help a bit I would quietly keep her away from my baby.

Jeez. I am just glad there was no promise to me when i had my 4 children. I expected nothing. They were mine and i chose to habe them. Not my mums job

I don't think it's sensible to rely on a single person for childcare anyway. A proper nursery won't get a cold or flu, or a migraine, or a vomiting bug or a virus, or sprain their ankle or any other illness that can put a person out of action for a short or long period. Or, as a pp pointed out, actually going on holiday 'when they feel like it'!

Relying on one's mother as the only source of childcare is a bad idea from the outset. Even if she promised and then broke her leg the day before you started work, you'd still be in the sxxx.
But it's not the mother that failed. It's the plan.

Wow. Well done you confused beetle 👏🏼

Confused - i chose to have them, its not my mum's job

The OP never said it was .
Her mum offered repeatedly throughout the OP trying for a baby and her pregnancy that would help out with childcare. If the OP and her mum had a normally good relationship, they would be no reason to doubt what her mum offered.
Then to 4 weeks before the babys due, decides no to, is absolutely shocking.

Yes DM has no obligation to provide free childcare, then she shouldnt have offered! Over a long period of time!
Had she not had offered repeatedly to help out, then the OP would have no doubt put money aside and made other arrangements. Her DM has in fact dropped her in the shit and has every right to be furious.

I don't think it's sensible to rely on a single person for childcare anyway.

It seems a bit silly to hold this over the OP when many people rely on childminders and nannys. A nursery set up doesn't suit every child/situation. You can't hedge all of your bets all of the time.

Not unreasonable at all to feel let down. They have lost an amazing opportunity to look after their grand child. It is the greatest joy and their loss. I know that does not help you at the moment but maybe your mum isn't feeling confident that she can cope. Hope you can resolve this with your mum

Whats really bad about this, is I wouldn't leave my children with anyone but my mother and my having a baby, if I had to work, would be decided by her offer to help.

I feel for you and I think it's disgusting. So, no, IMO, YADNBU.

I'm old enough to be a Granny, and when I went back to work we decided to put our son in full time nursery because we didn't want to rely on my mum and MIL full time. My mum helped out with picking up and if my son was ill but my MIL would offer to babysit, hubby would take son over and she'd made other plans as she'd had a better offer. This really hacked us off, and we were maybe only going to the pictures. It wasn't the lack of childcare, it was the lack of consistency and reliability that was the problem. We just stopped relying on her which then hacked her off as we wouldn't leave him with her.

We're off on holiday on Thursday and my neighbour has kindly offered to feed the cats, if she changed her mind at short notice i'd be hacked off and they are only cats. I get that people have a right to change their mind but I think it's also reasonable to expect notice to find alternative cover.

Hope you get sorted OP, you don't need this stress when you're going back to work. I don't think YABU and I don't think you're whining.

So, you are livid with your mum for giving you a months notice. This is quite a lot. I have friends that had nanny's that gave one days notice. Flexibility is the key. Yes, you are stressed, but maybe your mum realised the responsibility you were giving. As people get older, they find it more difficult to look after a baby. I don't have parents near by so we carry all the responsibility. It is hard and requires a change in mindset. Talk to your mum and find out the concerns. Maybe she can be emergency cover and not a regular thing. Why is she just the bad person? It is all so negative towards something that you and your partner decided.

A month isn’t a lot when a lot of nurseries have a year waiting list. It means the OP will end up using childcare that wouldn’t have necessarily been her choice if she had had the time to look around.

It's shitty. Not the not wanting to look after a grandchild, that's perfectly reasonable, but the leading you to believe she would and wanted to and then backing out last minute

Could she have offered because MIL was and she didn't want to be left out?