Dropped in the s***

[Lollipop306]

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

We all make mistakes, nobody is perfect. Maybe I should've had other arrangements, maybe I'm a terrible person for thinking I could trust my mother.

Absolutely not! Dont let the trolls and self righteous ninnies on here make you feel guilty.
Yes your DM has a right to change her mind and not obliged to (TROLLS AND NINNES WHICH SHE SAID IN HER OP) but you have every right to be pissed off.

Your DM led you to believe all the way through TTC and your pregnancy she was going to provide childcare, then with 4 weeks to go, she decides otherwise.

I would be livid! If she hadn't had said she would help with childcare, you could have put more money aside to save up to pay for a childminder.

YANBU, I wouldnt trust her again after this.

Snack - if your friends are struggling then they need to tell the parents and other childcare need to be arranged. No point in struggling along.

My friends MIL did this with her SIL. Begged to look after the GC, then complained to all and sundry about how exhausted she was. Just never said anything to the SIL or her DH who would happily find other childcare.

It's not great, OP, but on the plus side work sounds flexible and it's a damn sight easier to get 2 days childcare when you can work around a childminder's vacant slots. Get onto your council list of providers and start ringing round today.

I am another who would consider this a blessing in disguise. If your DM wants to see the kids, there will be no blurred boundaries, mixed parenting or last-minute changes due to illness. It's much less stressful!

I'm a gran and I think YANBU to be shocked that your DM has changed her mind and dumped you in it.
She hasn't even tried it out, to know if it would be too much for her.
Of course, she isn't obliged to do childcare but she said she would do it.

Forget about it, tho, and look into sorting something out.

YANBU to be annoyed this happened to me . I was really annoyed because it meant I hadn’t saved up any childcare vouchers. I felt so let down it was the beginning of the end of the relationship between me and the family member.
However I found a brilliant childminder. My DD is unbelievably bright which I think is all down to her childcare. There is no way the family member in question would ever have been able to give my DD even a fraction of the care / opportunity’s her childminder gives her. I also think I would have been made to feel indebted to my family had they done the childcare as planned.
Just now it probably feels like a massive set back but you may find that it’s for the best in the future . good luck . I hope you find something soon.

@Trinity66 I booked dtds childcare at 4months pregnant and even then one was on the waiting list in the hope another child dropped out. I love how people assume cms are sitting at home twiddling their thumbs waiting for us parents to call!

My boss tried to change my work hours which meant 2 nights a week I needed after school care - no after school club, 3 fully booked cms with no space for my 3 dc. I had to turn down the promotion. Luckily my reluctant refusal of promotion was enough of a kick for manager to rethink how the hours would work.

It's really shit op. Childcare is a nightmare.

All very well to say OP should have back up childcare, but that is not always possible. Some areas demand for childcare far outstrips supply. How can you keep a space at a nursery or childminder 'just in case'.

We were on a nursery waiting list before the birth. Where we live, you have to put down deposits to go on waiting lists. A month before we were due to start, the nursery announced it was closing with no notice. We had no 'backup' childcare because stupidly we thought we had made sensible arrangements.

OP, total sympathies from me. I get how let down you feel by this last minute decision. It did work out for us in the end (well, we ended up with evil nursery owners but that was by the by!) in that we found something. I'm sure you will too. Ask around your friends to see if anyone's heard anything about a childminder with spaces.

Know how you feel, I had childcare all sorted before my DS came along.

DS's nan & DF were helping out. Then he decided he didn't want to be a father & left. Family upped & fucked off too.

I do feel for you lollipop. Your DM should not be letting you down like that with such short notice. I do not think any parents take arranging childcare lightly and always want the best for DC. Depending on where you live it can be really difficult to find child care.
My DH and i actually did the opposite. We refused to have the PIL have our DC as we were not willing to risk ever being let down. In the end we relented and let them have DC one day a week which they and our DC thoroughly enjoyed.
Do not feel like a bad mother at all! You were confident in the assumption that your DCs child care was sorted.
I hope you manage to make alternative arrangements asap.

It depends on your expectations of your family. I don't think YABU at all, but that is because I have very high expectations from my family (which are in turn reciprocal for support and favours back) and we are lucky to be strongly supported by them. If my mum had done this I would have been mega annoyed. And then got childcare or not work and cut back on holiday plans etc. Of course you'll make a plan but you have a right to be mightily annoyed and feel let down by your mum. But, it's also not the last time you'll get let down with childcare so you need to get resilient and find different back up options

EXACTLY the same thing was done to me by my ex MIL when my wee one was starting school. promised what says she was have him as she didn't was him going to a childminder all the time the she arsed me about leavibg me with no care on numerous occasions the night before.
she was then highly offended when I put him into the child minder every day and told her she was no longer needed, said I was stopping her seeing grandson etc.
huge argument and I have nothing to do with her at all now.
my ds isn't fussed about her either. her doing

Hi childcare.co.uk is a good place to start looking and your local council there are a lot of lovely childminders out there hope this helps

Ok lollipop this is pants for you, I’d be livid too. But think you have to concentrate on coming up with a plan B.
Firstly how much maternity do you have? I’m assuming it’s at least 3 months, about a month from now? So that’s 4 months to find something. However, if something isn’t available until 6 months could you ask your mum to cover for those 2 months? It may be she’s panicking that she can’t cope but can see ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ if it’s just 2 months? I’d be so disappointed but better to get the right childcare and then move on?
I really hope you work something out.

Sorry, totally misread this as now see you go back to work in a month.
Have you looked today and found anything? Maybe Mum could cope for a few months if something is free in summer?

This is a great shame. But sometimes you are better off not relying on family to help. it sometimes comes with a price. I have no idea why she has backed out but maybe she offered in haste without thinking it through and found it difficult to tell you. Better to do it now than after she had started. I have ten grand children and sailed in to helping with the first two and to be honest found it a hard commitment that I have not repeated. Please dont be angry with her, it isnt worth it. It did it for 4 years out of naivety and was not able to stop
until the family was ready

If you have the room in your house you could get an Au Pair. Plenty web sites and agencies and on tap child care for you, plus help around the house. I have met a few, mostly Swedish, young , capable and nice company for you and child. Your. Mum could have let you know a little earlier though but you have time to find someone else.

Let’s hope your mom hasn’t had to withdraw her offer of help because of issues she hasn’t wanted to burden you with.
Wouldn’t it be kinder to talk to her and ask her if everything was ok being as she’s had a change of heart?
She’s definitely not obliged to help you and being so cross about it won’t do you or the baby much good, will it?
Be kinder, be calmer.

oh dear

we had someone who had to delay her return to work for the same reason.

when she came back, all her mother had said was "I didn't realise what a stupid idea it was until I was a couple of weeks away from having to do it".

My colleague still has a very frosty relationship with her mum and I don't blame her. Pulling out of such a vital arrangement with hardly any notice because she didn't think about it in the first place? Pathetic. Imagine if you agreed to take on a big work project and then 2 weeks before said to the boss "oh, actually, I don't think I will like it". Pffft.

Ps, also, au Pair is generally cheaper than nanny or child care as they have living-in factored in. Many like to come over to learn English. Most get weekends off. You will need to Skype interview etc .

I was landed in similar shit once, with no notice by a childminder who looked after my sons every day after school. Her husband had decided he didn't like his 'woman' earning her own money. No kidding.

YANBU, she could have told you a lot sooner. Yet another reason to never use childcare by a relative - they find it much easier to just let you down it seems to me.

YANBU. This is awful unreliable behaviour from your mother. I think it really is a stress you don't need. I hope you sort something out.

Same thing happened to me with a close friend. Absolutely put me in the shit. Most nurseries have long waiting lists and can take up to a year before a place is offered. I had no other alternatives.

Ineke Au Pairs can be great, but I always thought they were appropriate only for older children who only need part time care...
I know that some people do use Au Pairs to care full time for young babies, but this is wrong and exploitative of the Au Pair imo - they are not live in nannies (who cost more for a reason.)

I agree don't fall out I too am a grandma I said I may help out if I can but never promised to look after my grandchild on a permanent basis but here I am doing it and I love him to pieces but boy is it hard work you have to take into account that your mum maybe feeling anxious about it because even though I have brought up four children with very close age gaps I never felt this worried and anxious as I do looking after him and when I tell her or try to remind her it wasn't supposed to be permanent she skips over it and then tells me she is trying for another cant get my breath