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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropped in the s***

279 replies

Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 13:40

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

OP posts:
StressedtoHellandBack · 06/02/2018 01:31

Perhaps the DGran had a glossy view of what it would be like to be a Gran and how it would be lovely to look after a wee baby again. It could be that Gran had not realised how much older and less able she would be when the reality of the baby being here came.
The DG has given you time to find other solutions.

dustarr73 · 06/02/2018 06:15

I dont understand on threads like these the op getting a hard time.Its not the ops fault she believed her mother about the arrangements.

So all the people on here saying grandparents dont have to do childcare.Would be perfectly happy if somebody promised them something and then let them down last minute.
No i dont think you would be.

The op has every right to be pissed off,as she could have something sorted by now if her dm hadnt lied about doing it.

GetAwayFromHer · 06/02/2018 06:58

dustarr

Oh it's always the same

People don't like cleaners, family childcare and having a supportive husband. A whole host of things that cause envy and are a reason to miss the point of the OP

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/02/2018 08:29

I don't think the mum is malicious, but it is deliberarely letting her down, rather than some awful thing having happened which now makes it impossible for mum to fulfil her promise.
OP, talk to her and remind her that you relied on her, based on her promises. See if she will step up until you can get an alternative

abilockhart · 06/02/2018 08:49

The op has every right to be pissed off,as she could have something sorted by now if her dm hadnt lied about doing it.

dustarr73

The OP's mum obviously changed her mind when she realised that minding a very needy baby was going to be a lot more difficult than anticipated.

Was her mum unreliable? Absolutely.

However, calling her a liar is the immature reaction of a teenager.

RadioGaGoo · 06/02/2018 09:02

On the basis of what some people are saying, people should not accept any offers from GP's to provide childcare whilst the parents are at work. I don't think parents can win - some GP's are offended if you dont take them upon the offer, in preference for more reliable childcare or the parents are acting spoilt and unreasonable if promised childcare is withdrawn, without any reason whatsoever. If a GP can't fully commit, they shouldn't offer. If they want to change from their minds, they need to give plenty of warning. The OP's DM has not done that.

RadioGaGoo · 06/02/2018 09:12

Some people are really missing the point of this thread.

DM promised to provide childcare
DM is entitled to change her mind
DM is crap for giving oy one months notice of this

Some people are just more interested in their own righteous indignation about GP's providing childcare that they want to just berate the OP for even DARING to complain. Not all DM's and DF's make great pare take grandparents.

jkl0311 · 06/02/2018 09:20

@abilockhart just read this thread, that's probably why OP Mum bailed, maybe Mum thinks you should stay at home ?

sourgrapes28 · 06/02/2018 09:31

My mother did this, unfortunately it was done maliciously ( she didn't want me back at work as then I wouldn't be there for her everyday ). She like your mum had offered since before I was pregnant so we stupidly took her up on the offer ( she is retired, doesn't go anywhere as in hobbies or anything unless its with us, and is still young and fit 50 ) but I felt bad as it might be too much for her, so I booked some trial days in local nurseries meaning she could do 1 or 2 days rather than the 4 that was needed.
SHE decided not to take him to the trial days as she had made the decision that he was too young to be looked after by strangers and she wanted to have him the full time. Incredibly angry that these decisions were made without mine and oh consent but what's done is done was the approach we took. Cue 1 month later I got a phone call in the middle of my shift and was told that would be my last shift as she didn't want to do it anymore and wouldn't even cover me for a few days till I found childcare. Had to give up my job as none of the local nurseries would touch us as we had never showed for his previous trial day. I look back and to be honest the only person I blame is myself. I knew what she was like! The next day she was on the phone to see what we were doing for the day. Wasn't too happy when what we were doing didn't involve her. I wouldn't allow her to even pick him up from school anymore, paid childcare all the way.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 06/02/2018 09:38

@sourgrapes28 - Shock poor you.

@OP - YANBU re: short notice. I hope you can find childcare asap.

Snacktimonious · 06/02/2018 09:40

Maybe your mum has just realised she is not able for it? She does seem to find your DS tough going: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3157253-needy-baby

There's the answer. The Mum has probably been struggling with the issue. With the best will in the world, it's a really difficult situation to face for two days a week for the next x years.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/02/2018 09:41

sourgrapes, that's awful. I would never be able to forgive her for that.

RadioGaGoo · 06/02/2018 09:43

The DM probably has been struggling. Still no excuse for giving such short notice that she is withdrawing her offer of childcare.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/02/2018 09:44

Just had a quick glance at that thread. So she's bailed because the baby is behaving like a baby and doing what babies do?
She has raised the OP - surely it cannot be that much of a surprise that babies have needs.

RadioGaGoo · 06/02/2018 09:45

To be honest OP, I think she might not be best placed to care for your baby. If she struggles, then best left to people who can manage, otherwise unfair on your baby.

Wintertime4 · 06/02/2018 09:55

YABU
Not because it isn’t annoying, however unpaid childcare from a willing family member just doesn’t come with the same ‘rights’ as paying for it. By accepting her offer in the first place, you accepted that there were no ‘terms and conditions’.

She did give a months notice, and she can’t be blamed for not knowing how hard it is to find childcare. I can see that to her it was reasonable. A week or a days notice, less so.

Original poster
lollipop306 · 06/02/2018 09:56

So actually disagree it's to do with that. He's been fine until the last week when he has been poorly and she even said herself when she said he always wants me that "babies cry". I think she's just had a change of heart and I'd rather she be honest with me.

I now realise I can't rely on anyone but myself. I'm annoyed but maybe it's a blessing, I know not to trust her in future.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 06/02/2018 09:57

Tbh I would have had alternative arrangements in place in case she changed her mind, and in case she or MIL started with childcare and found it too much.

I wouldn’t have been relying on family to cover all three days. And you need somewhere you can send him in case one of them gets ill.

TatianaLarina · 06/02/2018 09:58

Not because it isn’t annoying, however unpaid childcare from a willing family member just doesn’t come with the same ‘rights’ as paying for it. By accepting her offer in the first place, you accepted that there were no ‘terms and conditions’.

She did give a months notice, and she can’t be blamed for not knowing how hard it is to find childcare. I can see that to her it was reasonable. A week or a days notice, less so.

I agree with this too.

Original poster
lollipop306 · 06/02/2018 09:59

We all make mistakes, nobody is perfect. Maybe I should've had other arrangements, maybe I'm a terrible person for thinking I could trust my mother.

Judging by MN I'm probably in the bad mother category myself now...

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 06/02/2018 10:03

I’m not sure how being a drama llama is going to help...

RadioGaGoo · 06/02/2018 10:03

Like I said Lollypop, parents can't win. This is why I am not even going to consider leaving DS with his GP's, even though one set have offered. Its not worth it as they could turn round at any point and sat they don't want to do it anymore. Ive upset them, but I dont care.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2018 10:04

Ickyockycocky

You're a peach aren't you? Why come on to be unpleasant?

The OP was offered childcare and has been dropped in it at the last minute. She isn't in the least unreasonable to be upset.

And I speak as someone who does extensive Grannycare. I would never treat my children in the same way. It's thoughtless and unkind.

Original poster
lollipop306 · 06/02/2018 10:05

Ok. I'm sorry for being a "drama llama" too.

OP posts:
Snacktimonious · 06/02/2018 10:05

The DM probably has been struggling. Still no excuse for giving such short notice that she is withdrawing her offer of childcare

If a month is short notice then I agree. In her position I'd probably struggle on for as long as it took. It also depends on the level of strain it's putting on the gm. I have more stamina than some, but I see a couple of my friends being utterly exhausted after doing their stint of caring for their toddler gc.
My initial take on this was that a month was plenty of time to find an alternative, which I can now see isn't true for everyone. But some are saying it can take a year! Which is an even bigger problem for the gm. Sounds like a case of 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak'

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