Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 24 25

Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:

petbear · 05/02/2018 00:20

I don't give a monkey's left bastard bollock if people don't believe in God, but don't tell anyone else they are wrong to believe, and there IS no God. Makes you look like an arrogant fool.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:22

Petbear, there is no god, there is no Santa, there is no Loch Ness Monster, there is no tooth fairy.

Greensleeves · 05/02/2018 00:22

I don't think saying that there is no god makes someone look like an "arrogant fool", any more than someone of faith saying that there is makes them look like an "arrogant fool". It's a matter on which most people have a strong opinion; thankfully in this country we are allowed to express those opinions.

You sound like you need to calm down.

Smileyeyes68 · 05/02/2018 00:23

OP, I can see that if your faith is important to you , you would want your children to experience the same joy and support it gives you in your life, because you love them and want what you feel is best for them. I also think unless children are taught about a religion it is difficult for them to make an informed decision later in life as to whether they wish to practice or not. However, once they reach a certain age as teenagers I think it is counterproductive forcing them as it leads to resentment. We're RC, I've brought the children to Mass when they were younger but as they got to midteens, though I would gently encourage, I didn't object if they didn't want to come. I just hope if I give them a good foundation it will remain with them as they get older and they can make their own minds up as to if/how they wish to practice .I feel my own life would be more empty without my faith and I want to give them the opportunity to have it in their lives too.

sleepthenightaway · 05/02/2018 00:25

I went to church with my mum and step dad when I was younger. I had to go to sunday school and then bible class when i got older. As I got older I HATED it. I remember getting older and mentioning all the time that I didn't want to go and I was told to wait until x, y and z before I made that decision. Eventually I didn't have to go anymore. It was a whole other world to me that I did not feel part of. I didn't believe in any of it at all.

I'd actually forgotten about all that until this thread! Don't make your children go to church when they've made decision.

sleepthenightaway · 05/02/2018 00:26

I'm agnostic by the way.

Original poster

jessicabenomi · 05/02/2018 00:28

Clearly the vast majority of people think I'm being unreasonable, but I just think she'll regret it later in life if she stops going now.

She's a typical teenager - quite lazy, wouldn't do anything if I didn't make her! Just because she would rather have a lie-in than get up on a Sunday doesn't mean it's the best thing for her.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 05/02/2018 00:29

"I think the problem is probably partly that Christianity/religion has always been something we did on Sundays but not for the rest of the week."

I think then that it is the social aspect and community strength that you got is what you fear your DD will not get? As opposed to the actual belief. I am a humanist and my DP is a Christian. It works ok because we are respectful of our beliefs. It helps that I don't mock the religious too much (although I campaign against religious privilege etc.) and DP is very liberal. However, we both do things regarding our beliefs on almost a daily basis. We both listen to relevant podcasts. Read books related to what we believe etc. I mentioned a moral and ethical framework earlier. We are pretty much the same when it comes to that - its just the under pinning concepts are different.

So what concerns you most:

She isnt praying and believing so her soul is in peril?
She will miss out on being part of a religious community?
She will not have the same moral and ethical framework as you?

It seems to me that you havent done much about 1 and 2 & 3 are achievable outside of a church.

sleepthenightaway · 05/02/2018 00:31

Oh and I was christened. My sister's were baptised. My husband's mum is Catholic and his dad is protestant and he wasn't christened or baptised. My "Catholic" dad has been divorced twiced and married 3 times so he's been kicked out!

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:33

Hello? Are you listening, OP?

She knows there is no god. She worked it out. The game is up. It has nothing to do with being lazy. She doesn’t believe in any of it.

Greensleeves · 05/02/2018 00:34

Do you know it's laziness? Do you talk to her about her spiritual beliefs?

computationalAspects · 05/02/2018 00:34

What would she regret though?

It's quite common for children to begin critical thinking at this age and realise that religion is not for them for so many reasons. That's why so many churches are keen to get children nice and indoctrinated when they're young, so that they can keep religion and critical thinking separate as they get older.

corythatwas · 05/02/2018 00:36

"Clearly the vast majority of people think I'm being unreasonable, but I just think she'll regret it later in life if she stops going now."

But she can come back at any time if she feels ready, she can find her own church when the time is ripe, she is going to have her own adult life where things will be done because she is ready, not because they are organised through you. Your little girl is growing up. You have to let her do that.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/02/2018 00:37

Having her mother not arrogantly ram a belief system she doesn’t believe in...what’s to regret about that?

Best of luck maintaining a positive relationship with her if you conintue to do the above. You’ll need a great deal of it.

araiwa · 05/02/2018 00:39

How dare anyone say there is no god!

Zeus lives on mount olympus with all his god friends. Ive read it in books

DreamyMcDreamy · 05/02/2018 00:39

At the age of 14? No.don't make her go.I have a 14 year old too, and it's the age they're starting to want to go out and do their own thing.
If she wants to go, or believe,she will. She's her own person.

corythatwas · 05/02/2018 00:40

Nibledbyducks Mon 05-Feb-18 00:15:51
"Your children aren't Christened because you won't ask your DH to go to church to say things he doesn't believe in, so wh would you ask your daughter to do it?"

This is a valid point. Your dd is getting to an age where you need to start to respect her the way you respect your dh.

DreamyMcDreamy · 05/02/2018 00:40

No,don't make her go. that should read

MadMags · 05/02/2018 00:41

@EastMidsMummy you're being a dick.

I'm not religious but people like you baffle me. You think you're so witty and clever "revealing" that there's no God. Why? What's it to you if an anonymous poster or two believes? Why be so mean and arrogant?

I imagine you've oh so hilariously said sky fairy before, too.

Julie8008 · 05/02/2018 00:42

I just think she'll regret it later in life if she stops going now

a) She is 14 years old, YABU
b) Her dad doesn't go to church, YABU
c) She will regret it NOW if she is forced to go to church, YABU
d) You are trying to brainwash her into your beliefs, YABU
e) YABU

DreamyMcDreamy · 05/02/2018 00:42

She’s 14. I think she knows her own mind by now. If she says she doesn’t believe in your chosen skyfairy then respect that

See, that's just rude though.Is there any need? Your point is the same as mine, as in they're old enough to make up their own mind, but it's just twattish to put down and belittle someone else's beliefs just because you don't.

MadMags · 05/02/2018 00:44

And as I was typing, along came another one.

It's truly bizarre; you genuinely believe you're being so clever and original, yet you're all saying the same thing, making cringe-worthy quips.

Competitive Atheism is a cult of its own, I swear.

adayatthebeach · 05/02/2018 00:45

I was fine with going till I was a teenager and then there wasn’t any enjoyment or young people my age I wanted to be around. She has the foundation of your beliefs and may go back as an adult.

pallisers · 05/02/2018 00:45

Let her off. 14 is old enough to know her own mind (tbh I think any age is old enough to know about religion)

And OP I wouldn't worry about not incorporating it into your child's life 7 days a week as a reason for her lack of interest.

I am catholic. so is dh. We reared our children catholic - sunday school, communion etc. Also incorporated it into our lives - prayers at night, granny and grandad very religious (in a nice way), mass in our home when uncle came to visit etc.

2 of the 3 understood my connection to religion - it was part of our history and culture and provided ritual and comfort - and happily went along with being confirmed age 15. one didn't - refused confirmation. I will admit I was upset and asked him to reconsider on the basis he could lapse afterwards but of course I had to respect his choice.

None of my children are particularly religious now (ironically enough the one who refused confirmation is probably the most spiritual/religious - the other 2 are cynics). All 3 of them will come to church with us at christmas or easter or grandparents anniversaries. All 3 of them have a sense of where they came from as in they have the same religious experience as their grandparents and great grandparents despite growing up in a different country.

Honestly let her off, don't worry about her and tell her you would like her to come to church with you on special occasions if that is ok.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/02/2018 00:46

ffs, let her be.

her choice. she will either believe or not, you have done your bit. if you force her she is more likely to not believe.

ds has to come as he is too young to leave at home alone, but he has the option of staying somewhere safe inthe building/garden or using the phone quietly to play on/other quiet persuit. When he is old enough to stay at home alone he can. Faith or not is a personal choice.

ps people can say what they like about their being a god/no god/many gods/sky fairy. no-one can prove. it is all personal choice. no need to get fussed if someone says something different to you. they just have adifferent belief, and it is not worth fighting over. there have been so many fights/wars over beliefs and no more are needed

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 24 25

Swipe left for the next trending thread