Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:
lizkt · 04/02/2018 23:54

Why would you want to force someone into doing something they don't want to do? It doesn't seem very christian.

Not exactly sure how you could force her to go anyway.

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/02/2018 23:54

Yabu - She is 14 not 4. Respect she does not share your faith, stop trying to force the issue.

lizkt · 04/02/2018 23:55

Ps. I was the same at her age and I told my mum I was absolutely not going anymore. I resented all the years I'd been made to go (twice a week) and I'm still very atheist as a result now.

Nanny0gg · 05/02/2018 00:01

I hope if she says No you listen to her.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:02

In your heart I’m sure you know this much to be true : She doesn’t believe in god because there is no god, like there are no ghosts, no fairies and no Santa. You feel threatened by that because you have built a life around a misguided belief system that there is and at 14 she’s sussed that you’re wrong.

Honestly, take some time to consider what she’s saying. Imagine how ridiculous you must seem to her. Think how real, significant and powerful this god of yours must be if your own daughter, who you’ve carefully raised and schooled to hear all the ‘wonderful news’ about the Jesus story thinks it’s all a load of baloney. Please ask her to truthfully share with you when she realised that it was all make-believe. And perhaps open yourself to the truth that, however kind and helpful your church family have been to you when you were in a distressed or vulnerable state, the writings you’ve all based your lives on are a collection of Bronze Age pre-scientific attempts to catalogue and understand the history, morality and philosophy of a world that didn’t know the earth goes round the sun and germs spread disease.

Your daughter may well have given you the best present a 14 year old can give.

Bouledeneige · 05/02/2018 00:02

I was forced to go till I was 18 as were my siblings. Hated it. I refused to be confirmed despite being told my parents would put it in their wills that I couldn't inherit if I didnt. I found the church hypocritical and as a smart kid the sermons uninspiring intellectually or emotionally (yes, I know that sounds pompous).

Once I left I never went again - except for weddings and a carol service or two.

I am convinced that guilt tripping or compelling a teenager to go to church is entirely counter productive and drives a wedge between them and their parents. You can't force faith. And lets face it, if you dont believe, church is the most deadly boring thing on earth.

AdoraBell · 05/02/2018 00:03

I was 11 when I refused to go any more. Right after my mother had me confirmed in the EofC. I will now go to a church service if necessary, but I won’t actually join in. It’s just a building to me, I like the architecture of old churches, but nothing more.

blackchina · 05/02/2018 00:06

I cannot believe you are even asking. Of COURSE it's wrong to force your child to Church.

Singadream · 05/02/2018 00:06

Not read the thread. I think you have done your duty (wrong word but still) in introducing her to it. It will forever more give her feelings of nostalgia and comfort - she may well even come back to it when older. But forcing her to go will breed resentment against you and the church.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 05/02/2018 00:07

She said that today, the leader made them sit in a circle, and then went round and asked them all to talk about a time they had felt God, but she said that she never had, and then he kept on asking her "loads of annoying questions" about why she thought that was, and whether she was trying hard enough.

What the actual? How would you feel if you were made to sit in a room and quizzed about why you didn't believe things. It's like the bloody Stasi. And the message that some bloke gets to hassle her about her beliefs in a group setting? Yuk.

Don't make her go.

Lashalicious · 05/02/2018 00:07

Most teens go through a period of reflection on meaning and purpose. This is the time when she believes for herself because she’s done her own reflection i.e. personal experience and reading and research of all world views, or when she falls away, sometimes to come back again and sometimes not.

Every person has to decide what they believe about the world, about the origin of humanity, and the meaning and purpose of life.

Also, the popular culture is telling her the opposite of belief in God and being a Christian. It is deemed foolish to believe in God. There is a contempt for Christians. All this has an influence on your daughter.

Ask her to try the adult service and see if she likes that better. I’ve found that for the young people that I know, those who regularly read and studied the Bible when they were young and kept up with the news on archeology finds etc, and had strong role models to look up to remained strong in their faith. Those teens who had sat in a pew once a week but never cracked open the book that held the foundation of their faith, and never had relationships with strong Christians outside of their home, it is no surprise they don’t believe. They never bothered to find out what they believed thus when told it wasn’t true, they were easily led away.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2018 00:08

It sounds like she doesn't believe and is being very Othered in the youth group meeting by the leader. It's not surprising that she doesn't want to go. If 14 years of attending haven't convinced her why do you think any more is going to do it? I think it's more likely to convince her that you have no respect for her.

petbear · 05/02/2018 00:08

@eastMidsMummy

She doesn’t believe in god because IN MY OPINION there is no god, like there are no ghosts

Corrected that for you.

You don't get to say there is no GOD my dear. You just don't. It's incredibly arrogant to say that when so many believe.

OutyMcOutface · 05/02/2018 00:09

YABVU. If she doesn't believe than the birch community won't be able to support her the way she needs. If you force her into attending your religious gatherings she won't get the opportunity to figure out what she believes.

Original poster
jessicabenomi · 05/02/2018 00:09

@Lashalicious

I think the problem is probably partly that Christianity/religion has always been something we did on Sundays but not for the rest of the week. We don't say grace before we eat, and while I pray, I've never prayed with my dd's. So it's probably my fault for not reinforcing the things she was learning in Sunday school at home.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 05/02/2018 00:10

Of course an atheist can say that there is no God Confused just as I have seen many people of faith on MN and elsewhere state that there is.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:12

Christians (and not just Christians) are quite happy to say there is a god, petbear. I’m quite happy to reveal that there isn’t.

Nanny0gg · 05/02/2018 00:13

jessicabenomi

Or maybe as an intelligent young girl, she's listened and made up her own mind.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/02/2018 00:14

The problem is that she doesn’t believe in God and you are refusing to accept it.

Completely selfish behaviour on your part.

Nibledbyducks · 05/02/2018 00:15

Your children aren't Christened because you won't ask your DH to go to church to say things he doesn't believe in, so wh would you ask your daughter to do it? what does her Father thnk about it?

petbear · 05/02/2018 00:16

Christians (and not just Christians) are quite happy to say there is a god, petbear. I’m quite happy to reveal that there isn’t IN MY OPINION.

CORRECTED THAT FOR YOU AGAIN @eastmidsmummy

You don't get to say there is no GOD. Stop being so fucking arrogant.

Greensleeves · 05/02/2018 00:16

jessica, what will you do if she tells you she doesn't believe in God and isn't a Christian?

I'm not goading you. I'm genuinely interested. My father said the same to his mother on his 16th birthday and refused ever to set foot in a church again. In his Irish Catholic tight-knit community, that was a major disgrace for the family and my father still feels guilty that he broke his mother's heart. I wish he didn't have that guilt, because he had every right to be true to himself.

Greensleeves · 05/02/2018 00:17

The "corrected that for you" device isn't clever. It's just irritating.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 05/02/2018 00:19

@petbear as long as it's fine to force children to worship or exclude themselves in the UK could you let us atheists say there's no god? You know, for balance. What with the compulsory worship of a Christian nature in schools...

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:20

I think the problem is probably partly that Christianity/religion has always been something we did on Sundays but not for the rest of the week.

So, the most important fact of our existence, that will determine the outcome for our soul for all of eternity isn’t worthy of your attention six days out of seven. That shows to your Bright daughter how seriously you really take your ‘faith.’

It’s a habit. The people in church give you comfort. But if you really thought it was real it would have to be by far the most important driving force in your life. It clearly isn’t and she can tell.

Swipe left for the next trending thread