Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:
BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 04/02/2018 23:34

She is more than old enough to make this decision for herself. You cannot force her to believe something just because you believe it and you do not need church or religion to have a support network.

Let her stay at home.

Iloveanimals · 04/02/2018 23:35

she's probably been taught Science at school and now realises that religion is just fairy stories

Don't be so rude. Just because you don't believe in it, doesn't mean nobody else can.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2018 23:35

If your family go to church your daughter goes. You are in charge, not her........

Fuck that. She's FIFTEEN.

Forcing her to go to church at that age is tantamount to bullying. Besides, the 'family' includes the non church going husband so the daughter should be afforded the same choice.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 04/02/2018 23:36

I was hoping that my dd's would all choose to be christened when they were old enough to decide for themselves.

But even if they did decide to be christened it wouldn’t be a real choice because they haven’t been exposed in equal measures to other religions or the actual scientific evidence which will in all likelihood lead to atheism.

The knowledge they get is filtered through you so you have a duty to make sure you’re not brainwashing them.

Aria2015 · 04/02/2018 23:36

Let her choose. It's not real 'faith' if you're being coerced into going. She's young. She might swing between believing and non-believing several times before reaching any personal conclusions. Let her reach those conclusions on her own.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2018 23:36

Fourteen

Original poster
jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:36

@scottishdiem

We're Methodists, so pretty liberal - plenty of women preachers/deacons, no creationism...

I think it's the Sunday school she hates. She said that today, the leader made them sit in a circle, and then went round and asked them all to talk about a time they had felt God, but she said that she never had, and then he kept on asking her "loads of annoying questions" about why she thought that was, and whether she was trying hard enough.

I think I'll try to get her to come to the services with me for a few weeks rather than Sunday school.

OP posts:
DriggleDraggle · 04/02/2018 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itscurtainsforyou · 04/02/2018 23:39

Whether she was trying hard enough to feel God??

No wonder she's pissed off OP - as an adult that would annoy me. It's up there with saying "if only you prayed hard enough/truly believed properly, you would be cured of (whatever illness you have). Complete nonsense and turns many people off completely.

cariadlet · 04/02/2018 23:40

I think that 14 is more than old enough to make up your own mind about your beliefs and values, including religious faith.

I'm an atheist, but have other beliefs that are important to me. For example, I'm a vegan and brought up my dd as vegan from birth. I told her that when she was 7 she would be able to choose for herself what she wanted to do.

When she was 7 she decided to become vegetarian instead. I continued to cook vegan meals at home (which she was happy with), but she ate vegetarian food at school, at friends' houses and if we went out for a meal.

When she was 14 she decided to become vegan again and has stuck with this for over a year.

I can't imagine trying to impose my beliefs on a pre-teen let alone a teenager.

WinnieFosterTether · 04/02/2018 23:40

It sounds as though she has a problem with the 'youth' church. Is there a teen group or can she attend the adult section? By the time I was mid-teens, I didn't go to church with my parents. I was in a church group for teens where we discussed religion and teen issues including drugs, sex, etc. We also had some brilliant parties and, from my teen pov, it definitely helped that there were very cute boys there. Ultimately, that combination of other teens, discussion and parties kept the church relevant to me through my teens. Maybe you can see if there's anything like that for your DD?

Steeley113 · 04/02/2018 23:40

OP why don’t you ASK her if she wants to try the adult service rather then making her 🙄

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 04/02/2018 23:41

I think at fourteen she shouldn’t be forced to go

scottishdiem · 04/02/2018 23:41

"whether she was trying hard enough."

Methodist or not, what kind of theological wankery is that? That is the start of mental abuse. Othering. Making her an outsider? Calling into question who she is, in front of others.

Why do you want to subject her to that?!

rightsaidfrederickII · 04/02/2018 23:42

My mother and her sisters were all forced to go to Church in their teens. 50 years on, of the five, only one of them remains in that denomination, and only two in any form of Christianity (it's been this way for decades)

You're on a short route to turning her away from any form of Christianity for life. Leave her be, let her go her own way, and tell her that she can go to a different church if she so wishes, or none at all.

Your faith is not her faith.

Brokenbiscuit · 04/02/2018 23:44

OP why don’t you ASK her if she wants to try the adult service rather then making her

Yes, exactly. Let her try the adult service if she wants to, but if she'd prefer to stay at home, then let her do that instead.

Belief is personal. If she doesn't feel it, there is really nothing you can do. And there probably isn't much she can do either. Faith cannot be forced.

HLH9 · 04/02/2018 23:45

I stopped going around that age. I'm sure my parents were a little disappointed but they never forced my siblings or I to go. For me, it was definitely down to kids in school being nasty about it. I became really self conscious and worried about what they thought of me. I don't know why, they were horrible to me about it. Could something like this be happening to your DD? I started going again when I was about 16. My own choice, I just kept it to myself. I don't go as often anymore but I still have my beliefs. Try not to push her too much. She may come around herself one day.

Wdigin2this · 04/02/2018 23:46

At 14, I would think your DD is capable of deciding whether or not she wants to go to church. If she doesn't want to go, you can't make her, and whilst your faith is important to you, her right to make this decision is important to her.

Original poster
jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:47

@HLH9

I doubt it's that - there are only 1 or 2 other Christian girls in her class at school, but due to the area we live in, there are lots of Jewish girls and a few Muslims/Hindus. So religion definitely isn't an issue at her school.

OP posts:
TeatimeForTheSoul · 04/02/2018 23:48

Jessica
Do you respect your DD?
Do you want her to grow up feeling her opinion is valuable and listened to?
These questions will give you your answer.

AdoraBell · 04/02/2018 23:51

YABU.

Definitely ask her if she wants to attend the regular service with you rather than Sunday school. She might just feel that that is for young children and wants to be treated more like an adult, iyswim.

If she still doesn’t want to attend then she doesn’t want to attend. I agree that she is old enough to make up her own mind.

Ouch44 · 04/02/2018 23:51

I was made to go to church, church youth club and a few church holidays until I left home. Still resent my parents for it to this day! Do not make her go.
I have a few friends and family who are heavily involved in church as adults and they were never made to go even though most of them are offspring of vicars.

Loonoon · 04/02/2018 23:52

I think YABU. We are also church goers and like most teenagers my DC stopped wanting to attend once they reached your DDs age. They had been confirmed and so were full members of the church and we took the view that that meant their religious practice or lack of it was now their business not ours.

They are adults now and attend with me occasionally when they are home but it's as much social as anything else. They enjoy meeting up with all our family friends and singing in the choir. I hope that one day they might attend more regularly of their own volition If I had forced them to attend as rebellious teens (and to be honest, it can be a bit boring sometimes even for adults) they probably wouldn't have set foot in a church ever again once they turned 18

ConfusedMumHere · 04/02/2018 23:52

Yes, YABU! If she doesn't want to go, why make her?

BackforGood · 04/02/2018 23:53

It sounds to me like she is not enjoying the Sunday School / Youth Group.
At that stage, I'd find out what else was going on in the Circuit or your local Council of Churches, and take her along / let her know there are lots of different ways to 'do Church'.
Fortunately, our Church has a really good Leader of the teens group and mine have chosen to keep attending until they've left for University, but the key word there is chosen. At 14, she is old enough to decide for herself. Being 'forced' to go is not going to encourage her to associate the Church with being a place she liked being, so is much more likely to push her away long term.

Swipe left for the next trending thread