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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:

Original poster

jessicabenomi · 05/02/2018 00:49

I get that I'm being selfish.

I'm just worried about what everyone will think when I suddenly turn up with just 2 kids.

The vicar is always talking about how it's so important that we keep our young people coming to church, and how sad it is that teenagers are losing their faith.

They're all going to think I've failed.

OP posts:

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:49

Mean? Boo-hoo.

People can believe what they like. They can choose to believe in nonsense if they keep it to themselves but they shouldn’t be put out when people point out it’s nonsense and they shouldn’t coerce the rest of us (like the OP’s daughter) into agreeing with or having to listen to their nonsense.

catkind · 05/02/2018 00:49

Sounds like youth church has done what it was trying to do - made her think about her beliefs. Unfortunately the answer she's come up with may not have been the one they wanted.

Yes the community aspect of a church is lovely. No it's not worth the hypocrisy of pretending to believe if you don't.

Why would she regret it later in life? If she wants to rejoin she will be welcomed with open arms. Maybe she will want to join a different kind of church, or a different religion, or none.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:50

They're all going to think I've failed.

They sound really nice and supportive.

MadMags · 05/02/2018 00:53

But she's not coercing you, so why the weird aggression??

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/02/2018 00:53

Faith is a very personal thing, no one should be force to believe in something they dont want to. Its not faith if it's forced.

scottishdiem · 05/02/2018 00:54

The vicar is always talking about how it's so important that we keep our young people coming to church, and how sad it is that teenagers are losing their faith.

Well yes. Giving the star chamber treatment for not having enough contact with God is certainly going to bolster the faith....

corythatwas · 05/02/2018 00:54

"I'm just worried about what everyone will think when I suddenly turn up with just 2 kids.

The vicar is always talking about how it's so important that we keep our young people coming to church, and how sad it is that teenagers are losing their faith.

They're all going to think I've failed."

Is this how much your faith matters to you?
Is that what it means?

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:55

Do you live in the UK, MadMags? Religion has massive unearned, unelected wealth, influence and power.

DarthArts · 05/02/2018 00:55

Maybe an interesting counter point for you OP.

My parents are atheists. Strongly so.

Aged your DD's age I decided I wanted to go to church.

Parents said fine - my choice. I walked to church every Sunday by myself for years and attended confirmation class before finally getting confirmed.

Frankly, it was a form of teenage rebellion. I suspect your DD is doing the same - it's a way of asserting her independence.

I stopped going to church after Uni and now practice my own kind of faith. I do pray to God but privately and without fanfare.

I really respect my parents in letting me make my own choices.

I think it would be counter productive for you to insist your child keeps attending church.

Your beliefs are just that - yours. If you want your child to find faith then they need to do it on their own terms and in their own time - and accept that maybe never.

DreamyMcDreamy · 05/02/2018 00:55

I'm just worried about what everyone will think when I suddenly turn up with just 2 kids.The vicar is always talking about how it's so important that we keep our young people coming to church, and how sad it is that teenagers are losing their faith.
They're all going to think I've failed.
Why would you worry?Why would you worry that they'd think you'd failed? They won't at all. You've presumably been going as a family with your kids for years if dd is now 14. They'll appreciate she's growing up,finding her own way in life. If she wants to rejoin in a few years/later on,she'll be able to.
You're still sticking to your beliefs, and your other kids are going too.

Greensleeves · 05/02/2018 00:56

That's a really terrible reason to make her go. Your public image is not her problem. Do you actually know what her spiritual beliefs are?

OiraseLife · 05/02/2018 00:56

I was made to go to church, I still resent it now tbh, I was old enough to make up my own mind, but still had to go along with all the nonsense. Don't make her go if she doesn't want to, she's old enough to know her mind, she might change her mind and want to go back in future, but dragging her along is the best way to kill any future involvement with your church and piss her off about forcing her to attend a religious event she doesn't believe in.

Lashalicious · 05/02/2018 00:57

jessica, none of us are perfect in teaching our children our faith, so don’t feel all is lost. She may well come back to faith. You have introduced her to it and that is not a small thing.

Right now I am fortunate that my 12 year old son loves Mass and has a strong natural faith. I try to talk to him a lot about everything and explain why we believe this or that, and why others believe the opposite. It is good to be familiar with different worldviews and intimate with your own and vice versa.

I am Roman Catholic and quite conservative and can understand other worldviews too. I can see why people consider themselves atheist or agnostic or some other religious discipline. We all hold beliefs we think are true or else we wouldn’t hold them. We all have reasons for thinking what we do.

So many good posts on this thread. Each one of us is on a journey and ultimately base our beliefs on our personal experiences, our own reading, research and reflection, what we hear from and experience through others, and recognizing truth in the testimony and thoughtful opinions of people we trust.

computationalAspects · 05/02/2018 00:57

The vicar is always talking about how it's so important that we keep our young people coming to church, and how sad it is that teenagers are losing their faith.

Faith, the belief in something despite proof to the contrary. I blame better education and science for explaining things people used to say "Oh, god did that."

What's it to you if an anonymous poster or two believes? Why be so mean and arrogant?

Because religion is evil.

Original poster

jessicabenomi · 05/02/2018 00:59

@Greensleeves

We had quite a detailed discussion today, and she said that she's not completely opposed to the idea of a God, but that she thinks "all the resurrection/saviour stuff is silly and like something out of Game of Thrones".

So she hasn't shut God out completely, maybe going to the adult services can help her understand her religion more.

OP posts:

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 00:59

Each one of us is on a journey

I’m not on a journey. What are you talking about?

MadMags · 05/02/2018 00:59

Right, so you're so angry about ill gotten wealth, that you purposely sneer at and goad anonymous posters on a forum with deliberately chosen language meant to demean what they believe?

Aye, OK. As I said; this aggressive Atheism could rival a church with its cult culture!

DreamyMcDreamy · 05/02/2018 01:00

Because religion is evil

Stated as fact when that's a personal opinion.I'm not particularly religious but can appreciate people having strong religious views.
They're entitled to them.
Anyway, that's an aside to the OP, who was wanting to know whether was U to make her 14 year old go to church.

Greensleeves · 05/02/2018 01:01

It sounds as though it isn't her religion, though. The core beliefs of Christianity mean as much to her as Game of Thrones. She thinks it's silly.

I think it would be wrong of you to try to persuade her to go to any more church services. Really wrong.

OiraseLife · 05/02/2018 01:03

The vicar is always talking about how it's so important that we keep our young people coming to church,
well yeah it's his job, he's basically a salesman for his god, he's not going to stand up and say feel free to do what you want, all religions work on recruiting young people to fund the religion, no different from any other type of salesman. It's up to your daughter if she wants to buy into it or not though, don't make her just to keep up appearances.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 01:03

Jessica your daughter sounds lovely and is trying not to hurt your feelings but she has seen through it. She is not a Christian. She realises it is ridiculous. You have taught her well enough in the 6 days out of 7 that she knows that dead things don’t come back to life.

MadMags · 05/02/2018 01:03

Because religion is evil.

see?! Batshit!

DriggleDraggle · 05/02/2018 01:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarthArts · 05/02/2018 01:07

OP ask her if she would like to attend adult services. Nothing wrong with that.

However, you do need to stop making this about you.

She's a young adult now.

You're success or failure in keeping her in the "flock" is missing the point.

You can't make her believe - she has to decide for herself. Making her attend church won't "give" her faith - quite the reverse if you push her too hard.

My suggestion is compromise. Ask her about adult services. If she's not interested then ask if she would come with you you key services - midnight mass, Easter services etc rather than every Sunday or even once a month.

But don't force her - you'll likely have the opposite affect than that which you intended.

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