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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 04/02/2018 23:25

Yes you would be unreasonable to insist. Plus how would you get her there if she blank refuses? You wouldn't handle her, would you? Taking away privileges/punishing non-cooperation is really going to make Church a chore.

Let her chose. And respect her choice.

Fairylea · 04/02/2018 23:25

You have to respect her views and wishes.

Slippery · 04/02/2018 23:25

She's probably been taught Science at school and now realises that religion is just fairy stories.

Kintan · 04/02/2018 23:25

I was forced to go to church until I was 15. It made me resent my parents and want nothing to do with any kind of organised religion - a feeling that has stayed with me my whole adult life so far. I would never force my children to do anything like that. What are you reasons for wanting her to go if she has lost interest? I am genuinely interested.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/02/2018 23:25

From the time my two were old enough to stay home alone I gave them a choice as to whether or not to attend church. Ds 1 carried on until he was about 15. Ds 2 stopped at about 12 but that was because he got into a sport which involved competing on Sunday mornings.

I felt that forcing them to attend church if the didn't want to was counter productive. I think by 12/13 they can make up their own mind about whether they want to attend.

Idontdowindows · 04/02/2018 23:26

Please don't make her go. She's old enough to question these things and if you leave her be, she may well come back out of her own volition.

If you make her go she will resent church and religion and chances are good she'll never go again.

Trashboat · 04/02/2018 23:26

Oh god. I was forced to go to church when I was a teen. It was hell and I am now an atheist.

Trashboat · 04/02/2018 23:27

And have sent dd to a non religious school.AND never got her christened.

Trashboat · 04/02/2018 23:27

Brainwashing at its' peak

Original poster
jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:29

@Trashboat

None of my dd's are christened. I didn't want to force dh to stand up at the front of the church and say stuff he didn't believe in.

I was hoping that my dd's would all choose to be christened when they were old enough to decide for themselves.

OP posts:
DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 04/02/2018 23:29

Family friends told the children they could chose to stop attending t 16 and they would respect that decision- the kids all knew from about your daughters age that they didn't want to and didn't change their minds. She's old enough to decide.

YABU to make her go to Sunday School/Youth programme if she doesn't want to. I'd have sat through a church service at her age, but Christian Youth would have turned me right off with all their earnest intentions.

BakedBeans47 · 04/02/2018 23:29

Don't push it. If she doesn't want to go, don't make her. And I say that as a church goer myself.

This. My DH’s parents used to nag and force him to go to Mass when he was even older than this and it’s just had the effect of turning him away from the whole faith.

Giraffesarequitetall · 04/02/2018 23:29

My mother also has a very strong faith and as a teenager I was forced to go to church every Sunday until my 18th birthday. To say I resented it is an understatement.

Please don’t force her but just ask her every now and then if she wants to come with you, this leaving the door open.

Ophelialovescats · 04/02/2018 23:30

She sounds like an intelligent young person who is able to think for herself. Be proud of her.
Faith cannot be forced.

bridgetoc · 04/02/2018 23:30

If your family go to church your daughter goes. You are in charge, not her........

FlibbertyGiblets · 04/02/2018 23:31

(Ps no disrespect but local church yoof groups are dismal affairs, I'm sure lots aren't run by Sandal Bobs and Earnest Janets but you take my point hopefully)

RaindropsAndSparkles · 04/02/2018 23:31

Christening is but the welcome. Accepting the welcome comes at confirmation.

YABU.

Lana1234 · 04/02/2018 23:31

Around this age when I realised I didn't believe in God and didn't want to keep attending church. My family were disappointed but they accepted it. I think you should do the same, forcing her is wrong and will probably make her just completely resent it

Steeley113 · 04/02/2018 23:32

It’s important to you, not to her. If she feels she needs support in the future and decides to turn back to the church then I assume they will welcome her with open arms so don’t force it now. That would just put her off ever going back.

scrabbler3 · 04/02/2018 23:32

Leave her be. She may return of her own volition in a year or two.

Trashboat · 04/02/2018 23:32

Its a bit like politics to me.I could not see a staunch catholic to be married to an atheist.

Kinda like jeremy and theresa sharing a bed.

user1494670108 · 04/02/2018 23:32

I too was forced/ guilt tripped to go until I was about 17. I never go at all now as I spent about 4 years resenting every minute I was there.
Don't make her go she may come back to it in her own time as she grows up/ older.

scottishdiem · 04/02/2018 23:33

People can get support in others ways, its not exclusive to being in a Church, so I wouldnt worry about that.

She is 14 so at what age will you believe her when she says she doesnt believe or what to go? I mean, depending on your church or what she sees in the media about many churches, she may well have moral positions that struggle in church.

For example:

Mainstream Church of England and women bishops or gay marriage.

Catholic Church and the role of women, contraception, abortion, gay marriage, treating women fairly for divorcing abusive husbands, sex before marriage.

Evangelical Christian church - "the gays", om-literally-g they hate "the gays". Complementarianism and male headship.

Fundamental (often mixed with Evangelical to create a fundagelical church) Christian Church - earth is 6000 years old. Fossils were put there to test the faith. Women, stay home and have lots of babies. Make the damn sandwhich. No, working isnt right and workplaces that have women bosses are just all types of wrong.

At 14 - Sunday school? Often an anaemic attempt at brain washing. Has the full terror of Noahs Flood been looked at beyond the simplistic boat? The deaths of all the first born in Egypt? Jesus' dislike of fig trees?

Have you asked her why she doesn't believe - what are the problems or confusions or disagreements? I think making anyone do something they dont want to do when its as optional as going to church is unreasonable. But I would counter it by exploring her moral and ethical framework and see what more she could learn. Humanism for example. Or even something like being a Quaker.

Steeley113 · 04/02/2018 23:33

@bridgetoc her husband doesn’t go church so why can’t her daughter stay with him?

corythatwas · 04/02/2018 23:34

WorraLiberty Sun 04-Feb-18 23:24:46
"You hit the nail on the head there OP when you said, your faith is so important to you.

Don't make that your 14yr old's problem."

This. And I speak as someone who discovered their faith as a teenager, having been brought up in an atheist family. It is one of the many things I shall remember with gratitude about my parents, that they recognised that their atheism was their atheism and that I had to live my own life.