Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

@pooryorick have you read the whole thread, every single comment? There are a lot of them, and I do not include yours, which show absolutely no understanding at all of mental health conditions. There is the usual ‘just get a grip’ bullshit coming from quite a few comments.

You feel Sally has denied you a chance to express your feelings. And that is really important for healing and (sorry for the cliché) - closure.

Actually, I think the opposite was the case. Sally heard Dexy's feelings only too well, and had enough of them.

I think that because of this comment...

She was too furious with me for spoiling the weekend and then she didn't want to speak when i got home. It's never been ventilated.

Dexy apparently 'spoiled the weekend'. Quite how, we don't know because she won't tell us (as she isn't obliged to).

I think Sally knows exactly what Dexy's feeling are about whatever the falling out was.

This 'spoiling the weekend' is the very nub of the issue, but it's being white-washed over as it's clearly too uncomfortable for Dexy to admit to on here.

And it makes it hard for any of us to really know what's going on, and advise appropriately.

Suffice to say, it was a deal-breaker for Sally, and it now also likely means the end of the friendship with Jane.

I think OP said that Sally said the weekend had been spoilt due to OP's crying.

Sally heard Dexy's feelings only too well, and had enough of them.

We don't know that Dowager. OP says she wasn't heard.

But why was the weekend spoiled by Dexy's crying?

There is clearly a massive issue here that only you can resolve. I know you've said you aren't going now. What I will say is I've been to so many weddings where the parents have been divorced (my own with DH's included) and for them to face each other has been beyond horrendous. I've been to weddings where the mother of the bride has had to encounter violent ex husband or husband who cheated on her. But they did it all with dignity and grace - admittedly for their children. The point I am trying to make is I am 99% sure whatever it is cant be as bad as those situations? I too am guilty of building things up in my bed and worrying about things especially after a fall out but unless there are much bigger issues at play you are at risk of being seen as petty. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to be prepared for any backlash that may indeed be worse than the original fall out.

*building up in head not bed! Ffs

What I mean is - Dexy didn't just turn up and cry for the weekend apropos of nothing, no matter how emotional she was on getting engaged.

She was clearly upset over something to do with Sally, and spent the weekend crying, as a result.

Sally knows full well what the issue was, and what Dexy's feelings on the matter were.

What Dexy clearly didn't get a chance to do was rehash it with Sally by way of an apology afterwards.

I am sympathetic towards Dexy - it honestly all sounds completely horrendous. But I do wonder about Sally's side of events as well.

Yes, we know something happened that weekend but as OP doesn't want to say what happened it seems pointless to speculate what it could be.

We do know that OP's friend has said that neither OP or Sally were at fault, therefore I do think Sally should have given OP a hearing. After having heard what OP had to say and her apology, Sally could then have told OP that she has heard her but she doesn't want to be friends.

As it is, to give no chance to explain and to refuse to accept her apology seems cruel.

As ever, we can only go by what OP tells us.

I am prepared for the backlash, i am. I will understand where Jane is coming from if the fact that i don't come to her wedding b/c of Sally means she is too upset to still be friends. I won't give up on her but i will acknowledge her decision. I just have to hope that she will respect my decision not to see Sally, as she respects Sally's decision not to see me. We will see.

I'm just going to focus now on apologizing to Jane (how/when/what to say) and taking action to find a therapy that works for me.

She'll have no choice but to respect your decision; she's not going to force you at gunpoint to attend her wedding. And Sally hasn't decided not to see you. She's attending the wedding.

We don't know what Sally did, and obviously you're not obliged to tell us. But maybe you can have some sympathy to her situation, since you are now the one making a choice that's best for you but hurtful to someone else.

Given that you asked MoB to deal with it and she's asked you not to say anything, I think you need to do that. But you could put an apology in your card and stress how much you love Jane and how happy you are for her marriage. And maybe get a slightly bigger present than you originally planned (if that's feasible).

I understand Sally will be (indeed, is) the bigger person. That's ok. I would rather protect myself AND not risk causing a scene at Jane's wedding than enter into the battle of who can be the bigger person and lose less face. In my humble view, that would not be putting Jane first.

I am sorry to be belligerent but I am have made my decision not to go. The majority of people seemed to think that, if i couldn't trust myself not to get upset and maybe cause a scene, i shouldn't go, that it would not do either me or Jane any good. I have never pretended this is an purely altruistic decision: i said in my OP i didn't want to put myself through this OR risk upsetting Jane.

Thank you all for the views and input. I will message a few people to follow up on the therapies you have suggest - don't worry if you don't have the time or energy to respond, i have noted the names and will research them anyway.

Yorick absolutely, i am going to take my cues from MoB. I won't say or do anything she doesn't want me to do.

I would rather protect myself AND not risk causing a scene at Jane's wedding than enter into the battle of who can be the bigger person and lose less face.

You're looking at this the entirely wrong way. It's still about you, and a battle between you and Sally.

It's not. It's about Jane's wedding. Sally isn't going because she wants to look better than you. She's going because she cares more about Jane's wedding than her own falling out with you.

Until you start looking at this through the lens where Jane's feelings and wedding are the top priority, you won't be making decisions based on what's best for Jane.

I wish you all the best in the future, but this wedding is not a one off. There are going to be other situations that upset you and if you choose to avoid every single one of them, there will be very little left for you.

Yorick i think you have misread my post: a poster has suggested i go because if i don't Sally will be the bigger person (and i said i am not interested in who can be the bigger person as that's not putting Jane first).

But again, thank you for the opinions. I am going to follow my gut and the majority view.

But Sally doesn’t have MH issues and does not really care . There is no angst for Sally she probably will smile a rictus grin and get pissed . However OP does have considerable anxiety and to attend would give her months of anxiety

It’s not comparable

Well done . It’s only one day , Jane will get over it and put it behind you . You are not the first or the last to decline for such reasons

Onwards and DO use this as an opportunity to re boot the MH and therapy support

Are you actually capable of objectively looking at any situation instead of just how it affects you, op? You do rather seem to cast yourself in the starring role in other people's dramas...
Even your explanation of the weekend with Sally reads very oddly. She made a decision that was best for her and that she was fully entitled to make (some posters suggested an abortion?), but you claim it was so hurtful to you personally that you sobbed for the entire time you were there?? And the couple had to leave their own flat to get away from you?
And now this wedding is being viewed entirely from your own perspective as if it's happening to you and nobody else . You are not the central figure here, and you run the risk of alienating Jane in exactly the same way if you don't dial down the drama quite considerably.

But Sally doesn’t have MH issues and does not really care . There is no angst for Sally she probably will smile a rictus grin and get pissed .

I didn't realise you knew her.

I had no idea MN knew about Sally's abortion either!

Newsflash: sally didn't have an abortion.

But did the decision she made have anything to do with you?

I don’t know Sally ! But surely that’s what most people do - weddings can be awkward as fuck

It did, yes. That's why she acknowledged that it would be painful for me, even though it was her right to make that decision. As i acknowledged.

Sorry for being facetious