Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

DexyMidnight
It did, yes. That's why she acknowledged that it would be painful for me, even though it was her right to make that decision. As i acknowledged.

Are you aware that your posts have a kind of dramatic flair about them?

Cool, yeah, thanks?

No, not cool

Op sorry you’re going through this. A few weeks before my wedding, which was overseas, one of my best friends told me she didn’t think she could make it as she was feeling mentally very fragile. I knew she was struggling with lots of different things. As sad as I was that she wouldn’t be there, the fact that she told me that she was struggling with some MH issues made me understand that she wouldn’t be pulling out if it wasn’t a big deal for her. I couldn’t possibly hold it against her and was sorry I couldn’t do more to help her but I knew the best thing was not to make a big deal and let her know it was totally fine whatever she chose to do. I also didn’t have time to dwell on it as I had so much going on.

The question now seems to be what and when to speak to Jane. I think best to do it now. Most likely if she’s a decent human being which sounds like she is, she will understand if you tell her that you’re dealing with some anxieties which you’re trying to get to the root cause, it’s going to take some time to deal with them and unfortunately it means you won’t be able to attend the wedding and you wanted to let her know so they have the choice of what to do with your place and that you’ve already rsvp’ed to her Mum that you can’t make it. Emphasise that it’s absolutely nothing to worry about and you’d love to take her and her husband out for dinner to celebrate next time you see them and leave it at that.

This might reinforce to Jane what Sally has said about you being overly sensitive but if that’s the case and she’s not understanding then she’s probably not the friend you thought she is and it’s best to cut the ties with her too.

I think you’re making the right choice not to attend. Life’s too short and if something is causing you this level of deep upset then put yourself first and avoid being in harm’s way or causing harm.

Sally sounds harsh and unforgiving. It’s a shame she still has the power to make you feel so upset. In your shoes I’d be pissed off and think she’s self centered, egotistical judgmental, arrogant and petty. But we all have different levels of self esteem. It sounds like you need help raising yours.

I had a friend who was highly sensitive and prone to lots of tears but at same time a tough cookie. Since she’s had children she’s become more resilient and it’s hard to reconcile the two personas.

In your shoes I’d be pissed off and think she’s self centered, egotistical judgmental, arrogant and petty.

Goodness. I wonder what you'd think if you actually knew what it was she'd done.

This 'power' she has over OP is given to her by OP herself. Sally doesn't engage with OP so it's safe to say she doesn't give a shit about it. OP can free herself from this if she wants to and is prepared to work at it. Possibly not in time for the wedding, but it can be done.

Sally is not responsible for this 'power'. It's been thrust upon her.

See, the very fact that you will not say what the hell this is all about tells me that you are:
A. Loving the drama and mystery
B. Fully aware we would not agree with your assessment of the situation

How you've managed to get so many people interested in your thread is amazing given you have offered so few facts. People are literally filling in the gaps themselves, envisaging fictitious scenarios and offering advice that could be way off the mark.

Posters do not have all the information they need to assess this - if I were you, I wouldn't feel too encouraged by the majority supporting your decision. They don't know shit about what's going on here.

Cheese. Thanks. Your strategy sounds really good (but I do need to respect whatever MoB wants me to do now, which might include saying nothing). I will maybe suggest it though, she said to give her a buzz midweek.

Yorick is half right and you're half right. I've allowed her to dominate me in an unhealthy way but she hurt me very badly, even though she didn't set out to do so. Hence why people can see both sides. Bride, MoB etc.

It's another example of Sally's "power" over op, isn't it? A decision which her friend was entirely free to make and which was in her own best interests simply couldn't have affected the op in the manner she describes. A (large) touch of the drama llamas, I think.

The trouble with this thread is that without knowing what actually happened on that weekend, none of us can get an accurate sense of what’s going on.

We don’t know if you are just a drama llama, or your ex friend is cruel, or what the combination of factors are.

Withholding it seems counter productive.

I think real and informed help will come if you outline it. But of course that’s up to you. I just think without all the information it’s all very unformed.

but she hurt me very badly,

As you're potentially about to do to Jane.

You realise the MOB has told Jane you're not coming already. Her loyalty and love is to her daughter, and ever since Sally said she was coming, they've probably been counting down to your decision not to come. And that's why MOB doesn't want you to say anything to Jane.

I think real and informed help will come if you outline it.

That very much depends - I suspect many people might suddenly see Sally's side in it, and that's why Dexy is withholding.

There are a few posters here who won't be satisfied until I reveal that Sally scheduled her chemotherapy for the same time as my ingrown toenail operation and stole all my llamas and all my thunder.

I didn't want to derail the thread focussing on why we fell out. I wanted advice on whether I should go to a wedding in my circumstances. Our argument was a two way street and I honestly can't think of someone who knows and who doesn't see both sides of it. No one has fallen out with either of us because of it.

This thread has served its purpose for me. I feel so much better, at peace with my decision and have had lots of good advice on how to apologise to Jane and when. I've also had lots of practical, proactive advice for new strategies, and much reassurance in PMs, with posters with whom I've shared the whole story.

Thanks and goodnight. Appreciate all of the constructive points, including the tough love.

I’m prepared to give OP the benefit of the doubt that what she did wasn’t heinous and unforgivable. She apologised and wanted to put things behind them. They must have been good enough friends that OP was staying with her in the first place. They have mutual friends in common. Sally’s reaction in ignoring all attempts to put the issue behind them seems pretty self centered. Even if she wanted to keep OP at arms length but keep the peace for the wider circle, she could have responded to clear the air and then avoid contact but she’s chosen to be pretty extreme in her reaction and just cut OP off.

Seems OP was child like in her behavior when the issue first blew up, Sally was the critic in her reaction, OP tried to be adult and clear the air but Sally remains the critic and hasn’t tried to resolve things as an adult. Or maybe she’s now the child too. Either way it’s resulted in OP feeling child like again. It’s a vicious cycle unfortunately.

And we don’t need to know what happened to be able to support OP in her decision not to go. OP’s profound reaction to knowing Sally will be at the wedding is all we need to know re whether she should attend or not. There’s too high a risk that OP won’t be able to hold herself together at the wedding so she’s doing the right thing pulling out.

I've allowed her to dominate me in an unhealthy way

She hasn't spoken to you in three years. How much dominance can she be exerting?

You're doing a lot of this to yourself but you speak about it as though Sally's the active party. She's not. She's disengaged completely. Yet there's this constant tone in your posts of passivity and helplessness, as if everything has just happened to you and you can't do anything to help yourself or anyone else.

Op, I really feel for you as it sounds like you're struggling mentally, however I totally agree with Yorick. I wish you all the best & hope you can find a better way forward with some decent counselling.

You’ve made the right decision Dexy.

You can now focus on you.

Hopefully you can find a great therapy which works well for you.

she says she understands and not to speak to bride, she'll sort it out.

OP You seem to have interpreted this that MoB won't tell Jane you're not coming. I interpreted it as that she will tell Jane herself so that you don't. I think you should assume that her mother will tell her the reasons for your non-attendance. She just doesn't want you to contact J directly. On that basis, I think this needs to become one of those things that just doesn't get mentioned ever again.

Exactly Johnny.

MOB has told Jane. Jane knows.

Dexy's post on the subject confirms that MOB knows that Dexy's non-attendance is purely down to Sally being there. There is now no option to throw a fake sickie...

I have however (this morning) spoken to the bride's mother and told her that i won't be able to make it and offered my profuse apologies. (The bride's mother knows why Sally and I fell out). She is confused / upset because obviously she thinks i shouldn't let Sally get to me anymore but she says she understands and not to speak to bride, she'll sort it out.

I feel a lot better. Thank you for your message @Lalliella i just couldn't face another month like the past one. I had to make a decision without bringing the bride into it and this seemed like the best way to achieve finality on this issue without doing so.

Your decision still totally 'brings the bride into it'. I don't see how you can think MOB won't tell Jane exactly what is going on. Why wouldn't she?

As I said earlier, they will no doubt have already been talking about when your 'no' RSVP would come in, now that Sally is going.

Why would MOB keep a secret from her own daughter? Her 'don't tell the bride' instruction to you is so that she can tell her.

So if you now come to Jane with a cock and bull story they'll all be totally rolling their eyes at you.

I know you're doing what you're doing to protect yourself, but the upshot is that you're appearing much worse in many people's eyes.

I know this doesn't matter to you, as your solution is just to avoid, withdraw, and lose another friendship, if necessary.

This is tough talking, I know - and I appreciate it won't make any difference. But this is one of those things that you will likely look back on in 20 or 30 years with real regret.

Your drama with Sally means you need throw Jane under the bus as well. And everyone can see it. Sally, Jane, MOB, everyone.

Sally is not a bigger person here who is putting Jane first. What a nonsense! Sally doesn't care about all this . Her weekend didn't go according to plan because of OP crying so she didn't want to be in this situation again and cut OP out. Going to this wedding suits Sally's plans so she will go. I don't think she's putting Jane first. She was unsure will she be able to go or not but it was nothing to do with OP. It's how it looks for me
Some will say OP is more dramatic than average , but others will say that she is just more sensitive.
Not going to the wedding because you are unwell with anxiety is the same as not going when you are unwell with flu. It's medical reason, it's not a tantrum.
OP, your husband sounds supportive, it's really nice, and it's what you need now support and understanding. Focus on your health and your family.

OP when you talk to MOB midweek I think you should discuss with her telling Jane. You need to talk to Jane and tell her you’re not coming because of your MH issues, and be honest that Sally plays a part. Sally does have a role in making this situation happen, she has cut you off without allowing you to get closure.

OP you really need to get a proper therapist. I’m an amateur and I think there’s a cycle of anxiety going on here. You “spoilt” the weekend with Sally, and now you’re worried you’re going to “spoil”the wedding. You need to get your MH sorted or you’ll never get out of the cycle. Good luck.

YANBU. Don't go.

You need to talk to Jane and tell her you’re not coming because of your MH issues, and be honest that Sally plays a part.

NO!! For the love of God, do not do this!!!

I appreciate you don't wish to go into details OP but I at least find it hard to offer advice without understanding the reason for the falling out between you and Sally.

By which, not so much about your current dilemma, but still having such a strong reaction so very many years later.

I'm assuming Jane knows the reasons why your and Sally are no long friends and in part this will probably colour her reaction. If she feels the matter was relatively trivial, it's understandable for her to feel you both should be able to put the matter aside the celebrate a key day in her life.

That said, no I wouldn't risk your mental heath or the possibility of an emotional episode by attending the wedding.

You've done damage limitation on the Finance front by telling the MOB - which short of involving Jane before her wedding is the best you could do.

I think you do need to think about different therapy options and there's some good advice upthread.

Perhaps this is the Segway into a post wedding conversation with Jane saying it's highlighted that you need to find better MH support, which you are looking at, but your over riding concern was to minimise any potential issues on such an important day and realistically- given where you are - the best possible outcome was to demonstrate your love and friendship by not attending, but giving a thoughtful and personal gift.

You sound utterly obsessed with this person. Were you in love with them? What does your DH think?

Oh dear.

Explaining what happened on this mysterious weekend would be the absolute opposite of a derail.
I do think the danger of getting 'reassurance via PMs' is that you have created an echo chamber, as you are likely to only share the full story with PMers you judge sympathetic. (And it's a bit 'MSN now' - more mystery and drama).

For all you present yourself as a helpless victim of your emotions, you can be pretty sharp and sarcastic when it suits you.

Sorry, a bit exasperated now.